help me grow.

step it up. quit shooting the shit. if you don't already, i'm begging you to tell me the ways i hurt you. i need to know. i can't continue to live this way. [prideful]

jane higa says that with the possibility of growth will come inevitable pain. she is so right. i am asking you to hurt me so i can grow. please?

t.h.o.u.g.h.t.s

"the mighty one, the lord
calls to all the earth
for a heart that would bow down
for a head that he could lift
with eyes of mercy
a burning passion
he will not keep silent
til we feel the fire again"

what if my heart isn't bowing down?

---

i used to have a voice mail message where i was laughing, but the only funny thing about it was that i fake laughed just so i could have a laugh on my voice mail cause i thought that was cool or something. or something.

--

i've given up on a house search. it will work out?

work at the accounting office is going well. the boys i work with are just that, boys.

--

"stay free
stay the same
play it straight and own your name,
plain jane"

j.m.

--


too many things on the "future" list and i keep wanting to add more...

ministry school
london with m & m
grad school- spu? fpu? apu?
santa barbara
start the magazine
apply for the peace corps
pay off my loans

--

i need my memory back.

you sit there with your tongue sticking out at me. you scream "i win- i win and you lose" and i think to myself- you are so right. you have won. you've done things to make me sad and i've lost another friend. but it's mostly my fault; i didn't bring things into the light. i wasn't nice. i pretended like you weren't lonely. you were. i didn't encourage you. i didn't pray for you. only me. i'm so selfish. but really, i never wanted you as my friend, until you didn't return my calls and you were too busy for me. but you bothered me. why? i'm not so sure. but what i am sure of is how i am jealous of you. but when i am jealous, it is because i forget about what i have and who i am. . . i am the beloved. . . i am His favorite. but you still win, because in the end, i have forgotten.


psalm 69.