the winter retreating comes to a close.

i overused the word community in my college days. probably so much that the meaning became numb to me. and then something happened two years ago; i committed to something bigger than myself. and that something has grown and it's grown. and i continue to learn and be challenged. and to think and seek. and to listen and hear. and be known.

and now that i've worked hard to find my place in this community (group), i try to embrace it and be excited, without running away. [and dang, is that hard.] but when the nineteen of us spend a whole weekend together, skiing and laughing and eating and singing and slapping our thighs, i can't help but draw toward the One who has joined us, with simultaneous thoughts of gem attempting the butterfly.

i am an emotional creature.

i listened to eve ensler on my local npr station last week; incredible woman with a book i can't wait to read.

even though this poem might not fit every single woman in the world, there are pieces that fit me. i appreciate it and thought you might, too:

I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE

I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.
I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what
you want.
I know when a storm is coming.
I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.
I can tell you he won't call back.
It's a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me.
The way I walk in the street.
The way my mother wakes me up.
The way I hear bad news.
The way it's unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.
I am connected to everything and everyone.
I was born like that.
Don't you dare say all negative that it's a
teenage thing
or it's only only because I'm a girl.
These feelings make me better.
They make me ready.
They make me present.
They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.
There is a particular way of knowing.
It's like the older women somehow forgot.
I rejoice that it's still in my body.

I know when the coconut's about to fall.
I know that we've pushed the earth too far.
I know my father isn't coming back.
That no one's prepared for the fire.
I know that lipstick means
more than show.
I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing.
What we would all be
if the big door inside us flew open.
Don't tell me not to cry.
To calm it down
Not to be so extreme
To be reasonable.
I am an emotional creature.
It's how the earth got made.
How the wind continues to pollinate.
You don't tell the Atlantic ocean
to behave.

I am an emotional creature.
Why would you want to shut me down
or turn me off?
I am your remaining memory.
I am connecting you to your source.
Nothing's been diluted.
Nothing's leaked out.
I can take you back.

I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional, creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl.

Eve Ensler, a playwright and activist, is the founder of V-Day, a global movement to end violence against women and girls. In conjunction with I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE, V-Day has developed a targeted pilot program, V-Girls, to engage young women in our "empowerment philanthropy" model, providing them with a platform to amplify their voices.

a beautiful reminder.

catching up with laura was perfect; sharing pizza at flour and water and hearing the reminder that i am not defined by my sin was just what i needed.

as kp would say, "thanks girl!"

gatherings.

my friend anna has writer's block. and i have photographer's block. i'm stuck on the topic of "gatherings" and i want to stay away from people. any ideas, people?

retreat retreat retreat.

this weekend i was away; retreating near santa cruz.
the sounds and smells of the city were surprisingly not missed.
the getaway left me more tired than before.
and eating way too much junk food.
i guess that's what happens when you're part of the best dance party ever.
but what can i say? a stomach ache and a sprained ankle, it was totally worth it.

the lenten journey begins with admitting we're lost.

slow are the steps of repentance, and fortunately it's not only a simple moral reformation.

we are dust and to dust we shall return.

realizations from the past five days.

dancing after a pillow fight in converse requires an extra beverage.
vancouver's opening ceremony does not compare to beijing's.
twentyone is not an option.
brunch with therapist friends must seem crazy to the people next to us.
it is so hard to get work done when the olympics are on.
beatles music is ten times better when singing to snf patients.
bocce ball is more fun when off roading in alamo square.

gung hay fat pillow.

i'm so glad i was able to celebrate five holidays in one by hitting people with pillows: chinese new year, nick's birthday, president's day, the transfiguration, and valentine's day.

when my (friends) do good things.

i get rewarded, too. for example: have ten good days of school (not in a row) then we'll go to the jelly belly factory. who knew making a jelly bean was a four step process?

what a rebel.

(look closely.)

my cocoa nibs were falling off.

but that didn't stop me. i spent the evening making homemade truffles at la cocina with j & d. if only i could mail them to diana for her birthday.



cheers to stomach aches over too much chocolate while supporting natural entrepreneurs who create self-sufficient businesses.

sibs.

riley: three in three months. maddy: one in eight months.

i've never lived in the pacific northwest.

but, there's something about seattle (and portland) that i adore. it's california but not so high strung and exercise conscious. and there might not be as much fresh fruit at the farmer's market in february, but there's enough wandering to do that will occupy my time for hours. there also aren't as many iphones.

and there's something about spending time with someone who knows you, and gets you; kristy is one of those people. we don't have to spend hours catching up or talking about what we've been doing and who we've been creating ourselves to be, because it's obvious; it's normal and natural and calming. and going to places like the frontier room (part two) can prove to be the opposite experience as the last time. and pretending like i know mcdreamy and driving on the ferry and riding over to bainbridge island to know what it means to be part of grey's and wandering in ballard and eating thai food (also part two) can be so comforting. and laughing. and laughing and laughing.

it's weekends like these i'm thankful i went to westmont; to have the community and friendships i do, even if they're eight hundred and fourteen miles apart.

thoughts on being an afterthought.

it sucks. (really deep, i know.)

instead of dwelling on being the above afterthought, i will enjoy the rain in the pacific northwest.

kristy and laura deserve a prize.

they are the only ones who played my game and they both guessed correct. all of the below items have one thing in common: GREECE. and that's where this girl is going with some of the most important women in my life. HOLLLLLLLLLLER! greece and turkey, here we come.

what do these things have in common?

dirty hair
cooking oil
bike chains
kitchen sink drains
gavin coombs, the realtor
cooked bacon
sometimes pizza

burning calves.

it was the first time i've skied north star and i liked it. of course i'm partial to sugar bowl because of the memories, but hanging with the kids and skiing with the beginners was a special treat. the dance off was hilarious, the weather was grand and nobody got hurt. it was a great yutes weekend, minus the calf pain i have from walking.

ps. if i knew how or had the patience to use a "paint" like program, i would have added red flames to those baby cows. moooo.