have you ever tried to enter the long black branches?

by mary oliver:

listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?
while the soul, after all, is only a window,
and the opening of the window no more difficult
than the wakening from a little sleep

i climb, i backtrack.
i float.
i ramble my way home.

entire poem here.

my window has no offices.

i wrote that in an email today. awesome.

currently:

i'm about to learn a lot about wine and run my ass off, again.

i'm focusing on the small moments and the victories.

[these next three months will be life changing.]

this is my year, this is my most courageous year.

i'm not hiding, avoiding or evading.

i'm telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

i'm asking for what i need and what i want.

and most importantly, i am loving well.

there's no more time to waste.

things no one likes to hear you whine about in a nonchalant way.

your weight and your money. let's be real, people: it only makes the listener feel awkward. what are we really supposed to respond in those moments? "it will get better!" or "this too shall pass." WHAT? no.

so cut. it. out. just like stephanie tanner would say. (side note: i googled stephanie tanner to include a photo. umm, the full house brat got herself a boob job and a meth addiction. yikes! a lot has changed since the days of t.g.i.f.)

four years in a row: easter in yosemite.

and this year stuck out for a number of reasons, but at the top of them is my ten and a half mile run with mary ramsey on the valley floor. it made everything worth it and reminded me of my courage, strength and God's goodness.

she turned my favorite number.

yesterday was cait's birthday. we sat and ate delicious pizza and a strawberry rhubarb jam with almond butter cake. it was marvelous.

there's something about this petite woman who owns big brown eyes; her kindness and intelligence make me a better person. she reminds me about wisdom and graciousness and amazes me when she dedicates her birthday to being a win-win year.

why not? why not live life more fearlessly, we ask each other often. why not.

two odd moments made my day yesterday.

one. the dellusional man at martin's who said, "i can't eat this oatmeal because there's aids scabs and blood in there." sometimes you just have to cock your head and smile. it was a bad image but a tender moment as i continued to finish my bowl. it was a jarring reminder that mental health is some serious business.

two. the nurse walking by my house, "um... excuse me? ma'am! did you just parallel park in that spot?" (it was between a scooter and a car with six inches on each side. in the least humble way, i responded, "yes! it's my spiritual gift. have a good day!"

i get to this blog.

and my mind is blank. my fingers don't know which key to hit next and i remember that the exhaustion of this weekend will soon catch up with me.

one day at a time: writing and listening and studying and loving and living in the most fearless way i know how.

can't waste.

what i want to worry about, i can't: there's not enough time in the day to waste. instead i am listening to "fix you" on repeat as i sleep tonight because it reminds me of the simplicity of life and the importance of perspective. being present and saying something is more important than saying nothing. i am here.

coldplay's fix you:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you