am i an internet whore?

okay so there happens to be this guy that works at the same place that i do and i happen to think he's pretty (damn) cute. we flirt, but he totally initiates it. so then i went all out and emailed him and now we are having a conversation through email. yikes. lori says, "let's think about this...it is like being in a chat room right now or instant messaging. gross, you're an internet whore"

sean said something so funny...

"did you fall asleep during the movie, katz?"
"yeah, i don't know why i'm so tired...i'm such a dork, i have to go to bed (10:05pm)"
"you're not a dork- i'm tired too"
"why are you tired?"
"you don't understand, katz, i'm old. (he's 20) twenty is like the new forty"
haha. i guess you had to be there. cause then i found a twenty dollar bill on the ground.


no news on the family. waiting for a call from someone.

i go home this weekend. it will be good to sit with my mom.

i want to bring kiki back. just look at her. damn cute.

What is a Psychotic Break?

There are several states of mind..."normal", meaning consistent over time and situations; "disorganized", meaning a little scattered, unfocused, fragmented; "disturbed", meaning a state of mind leading to behavior that is socially unacceptable and potentially harmful to self and others; "disordered", meaning a display of clinically definable and diagnosable symptoms that are clustered under one primary heading (Depression, Borderline, Kleptomania, etc.); and "dissociated", meaning a collapse of the "ego integrity", a state of mind where the person is unsure of who they are, where they are, what they are doing and how they should be behaving - a pervasive and overall loss of "identity" and "sense-of-self".

The last, "dissociation" is generally considered a "psychotic break". In other words, a person is so overwhelmed by either internal or external turmoil that what we generally think of their "ego" just plain collapses.

Apparently psychotic breaks are common in young men 20-23 within high achieving families. He fits the profile. He isn't responding to the medication and he is throwing his food across the room.

This isn't him. He is incredible; straight-A's at Cal Poly, Electrical Engineering major, never done drugs, doesn't drink, has his black belt, runs marathons, cares about the environment, etc. etc. Will he ever be the same?

He is hearing voices.

I don't know how to feel. Pray for my family. Especially my step-dad who can't sleep or stop crying. Also that the judge (tomorrow) shows mercy and we can move him to Northern CA and that we get the letter from the doctor in Northern CA saying they can handle him. Pray for a diagnosis. Pray. . . .

some "universal" rules on borrowing.

okay, so they aren't universal, but they damn well should be!

1. if you borrow someone's car, fill it up with more than what you found it with. don't leave money for them to go get gas, you are just being an inconvenience.
2. if you borrow something from someone, always return it with the exact same product, don't get something different (like cardboard instead of plastic-ouch!)
3. if you borrow someone's clothes, wash them before you return them. and make sure that you know how they would wash it- they might not use a dryer!
4. if you borrow someone's hair brush, remove your hair from the brush after you use it!

some might call me ocd/neurotic. i just like to think of myself as considerate?

my best friend.

my friend brett and i had an intense talk which led me to realize how incredible my best friend really is. sometimes when we are living in sin, things become so comfortable, and this can blind us. this might be bold, but i think it is a sin to live in community and not call each other out in our shit. just the other night brett called me out in my controlling behavior. the knot in my stomach rose to my throat, and once again it felt like a lump the size of a clementine. hearing the truth hurt so bad, but there was so much freedom in facing this truth and asking for help. redemption. grace.

what does any of this have to do with my best friend, carissa? you see, carissa isn't a "christian" according to the church's standards; she does lots of things that i would consider "tangible" sin. she might fill out the christian bubble under the religion section on the sats or go to church on easter, but according to what the bible refers to as the world, well, that's carissa. but here's the kicker (what's a kicker, and why do i say/type that?) carissa is the one who says to me, "emily quit judging her. quit being jealous. quit being selfish." she calls me out. she wants to see me grow. she wants to make me a better person. she loves me, with out conditions. how is it that the one who would be considered the orphan, the prostitute, the homeless (carissa) really has it so right where as me, well, i just have it wrong. doesn't this seem so odd? the self-proclaimed christian, me, doesn't know how to love and she does. wow, i really have a lot to learn from her. thank you God, for carissa.

fast weekend.

so. i graduated this weekend. from college. wow. during the actual ceremony i kept asking myself, "is anyone going to clap for me?" i had this fear that as spencer announced my name no one would clap or say anything. i don't know why i do this to myself. it happens often. randomly i get the thought, if i died right now, would people attend my funeral? where does this weird fear come from? it is probably not healthy.

since thursday, at senior celebration, leaving westmont became a reality. though, i never felt like a senior this whole year; being in florence and then not being a student and now being staff kind of swallowed ever letting me be a senior. someone i work with said, "i didn't realize you were a senior- congratulations on graduating"

anyway, anna, janelle and i are all moved in- it's a lot of fun. janelle and anna love doing dishes and i think that is fantastic. they also are planning meals for the week. mom's in progress or what.

i think i want a dog. but now is not the right time.

what is going to happen in september? help.

best & worst... ?

i can't figure out what the best day of my life has been. i also can't figure out what the worst day of my life has been. maybe they haven't happened yet? but, it seems like they should have happened. i mean, i have to have had one of each because i have lived 21 years of life. is the best day supposed to be the day that i get married..if i get married? or if i ever have kids? what if none of those things ever happen, will i have not had a best day of my life? i have a lot of good days, and great days, and unforgettable days.... but i'm not sure that i can name one particular day as the best... or worst. was the worst when i confessed my love for a boy and got rejected? or when my mom was so disappointed in me that i had terrible cramps and a lump in my throat for more than 36 hours? actually, that never happened, so it can't be a non existent day. was the worst day a day that i was depressed? will the worst day be when someone dies?

do i have to have a best and worst day?

jason, the cat, is out of control. fyi.

carissa and i are exercising together in place of the driving that i used to do. for some reason, perhaps my nutrition class, i am starting to care about what i put in my body. it's probably a good change: i feel better and i'm not as tired all the time.

i took the cbest on saturday- piece of cake. well, hopefully. sometimes when i feel like i know the answers, the scores mysteriously read something different. odd how that happens.

on saturday night it hit me how grateful i was for making the choice to come to westmont. i put in a little letter with my graduation announcement that was a snapshot of the past four years (urban, ra, florence). one of my friends said to me, "i want to put in a letter like yours, but i didn't do anything in college besides my major." i know that isn't everyone's experience, but i'm not sure that if i went to another school that i would have gone off campus twice or been an ra, plus everything in between.

opportunities for september:
san francisco
santa barbara
san diego
costa mesa

grad school? event coordinating? personal assistant? urban house? yss?

layne wilson's birthday is on the 29th. party!

the family comes up in two weeks for graduation. i am real excited.

good song: "flying high" by jem

good quotes:
"vengeance is a lazy form of grief."
"words and compassion are the only way, even if it’s slower than a gun."
–nicole kidman in the interpreter

visalia etc.

it was practically a high school reunion; i saw people i hadn't seen in 4 years. real weird.

daniel and autumn are so adorable. late sunday night they were playing the piano together and singing scales...they have written about 20 songs together in the past 2 months....lovely!

they asked me if money wasn't a factor and i could do whatever i wanted, what would i do? then they asked what life would look like if everyone followed their hearts? i would start a magazine. and i'm not quite sure what life would look like.

two long awaited moments collided in my life on saturday night- something i wanted 6 years ago and something i haven't done in 5. fun.

i live in santa barbara now, yah! i am shane and anna's test for a week and a half. they have two cats, jason and karen. who names their cats people names? anyway, jason woke me up this morning because he wanted attention. damn you.

highlights.

-i can eat an apple in 2 bites. (small apple, big bites)
-the colour concert on thursday night.
-the tax job ends on thursday. (hell yeah)
-i'm going to visalia for easter weekend.
-i'm going to see an old friend, erin, while in visalia.
-erin has a baby named aiden... he's 1 month old.
-i move in with anna chase the last weekend of april. (so happy)
-i bought an orchid plant, its name is dragon.
-i watched broke back mountain. crash is better. by far.
-i missed my mom's call from israel cause i had npr turned up too loud.
-i'm turning in my grad school application at the end of the month. woohoo!
-i miss marcy, kara, and steph. (roommates in florence)
-the song "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin is worth your time.