one man band.

because everyone needs a little sufjan in their life.

*if you can't get into "come on feel the illinoise!" try "seven swans".

my nephew: the gangster.

riley @ almost 5 months. precious.

think of me?

i'm torturing myself on purpose. for me, this is the way i grow best. "students, we are doing mid-term evaluations. and, uh.. we're doing them face-to-face rather than written and anonymous." translation: please tear me a part to my face slash show me where i can grow and become better at this thing called student life. i continue to remind myself: with the possibility of growth, will come inevitable pain.

oh the sacrifice.

i have tickets to matt nathanson and ingrid michaelson at the fillmore on november 2. matt is on my to-do list of concerts. however, this particular weekend is the only one that works to go to boston this fall. so the tickets are up for grabs and i'm off to visit nick and renee.

speaking of the to-do list... here's what's been completed lately (and what will be completed soon):

1. Visit Boston (soon to be completed on 11/1/07)
6. Study counseling/MFT (Started 8/23/07)
31. Find a new fiction book that I enjoy reading (Completed 10/8/07- The Maytrees; Thanks Anna!)
53. Read more poetry (Completed 9/19/07- Thanks KP!)
56. Make it a point to eat healthy (Started 9/23/07)
59. Go to a dive bar (Completed 9/25/07)
89. Become a vegetarian for one month (soon to be completed on 10/23/07)

the mantra.

the community that i have been spending more and more time with has a mantra. at first i thought the idea of a mantra was strange, but the more that i speak these words, the more i understand.

"to Creator, obedience
to creation, service
to each other, community

in all things, love
in all things, love

for life, prayer
with possessions, simplicity
in our world, creativity

in all things, love
in all things, love"

1 serious note and 3 not so.

i love it when 17 civilians are killed, just for kicks. that would never happen here, but we let it happen there.

this weekend has been relaxing. friday i saw an AWFUL movie: eastern promises. okay, it wasn't awful, but that scene... in the steam roomy place. it's not even a sex or rape scene that makes it awful, it's just bad. you have to see it to understand. oh, the violence. the overall movie was somewhere between good and okay; i just didn't know what i was getting my self into...

on saturday night i got to spend time with allison and her sister, leslie, and their mom, ann. when i was an RA, allison was in my section-- there was something about all that we had in common that made us so close. it's kind of weird. always good to spend time with her, she makes me happy.

sunday: storage, church, dinner party at the guys' house. so fun.

13 daily effects of white privilege.

intellectually i understood white privilege but there was a disconnect in comparison to my everyday experiences. the following points have helped me bridge that gap. it is extremely important, as i believe this is my moral obligation, to recognize and face the racism i was born into and am a part of. issues of race are not just for some people, they are for everyone.

1. i can if i wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. i can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that i will not be followed or harassed.

3. i can turn on the tv or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

4. when i am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," i am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

5. i can be sure that if i have children they will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

6. i can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

7. i can swear or dress in second hand clothes without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty, or the illiteracy of my race.

8. i can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

9. i am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

10. i can criticize our government and talk about how much i fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

11. if i am pulled over by a cop or if the IRS audits my tax return, i can be sure i haven't been singled out because of my race.

12. i can easily buy posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

13. i can choose foundation or bandaids in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

*adapted from an article in the july/august 1989 edition of peace and freedom by peggy mcIntosh.

ignorant test answers.

can you name the countries that border iraq? turkey, syria, jordan, saudi arabia, and iran. see the map below.

how about just the one up north? turkey.

do you know what IDP stands for? internally displaced person. this is different from a refugee because IDPs have not crossed an international border.

can you name the two countries that have accepted the most iraqi refugees? jordan (750,000) and syria (1.4 million).

do you know how much money we spend a minute on the iraq war? $500,000 a minute. one day of the iraq war is equal to 34,904 four-year scholarships for university students. or 12,478 new elementary school teachers. or 423,529 children with healthcare. you get the point.

do you know what a G-series passport is? it is the only valid passport that iraqis could possess. do all iraqis have a valid passport? no because the g-series passports were just recently created and everyone who became a refugee in another country has no access to these passports which are only distributed in baghdad. would you want to go to baghdad right now? no.

bonus question: what country is the US about to do a TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR arms deal with? saudi arabi. bad bad idea.

somehow this all relates.

yesterday was iraqi refugees, today is racism and white privilege (again). and somehow it all relates. i am not always loving my classes or my job at the house, but i am enjoying them. the big picture is this: i am intentionally (and unintentionally) forcing myself to question and rethink, question and rethink, and for this, i am grateful.

today in my counseling the culturally diverse class we did a fishbowl exercise on white identity models. one of my peers shared about studying diversity as a sociology major-- [in her experience] one thing she often notices about white people is the way they try to overcompensate by continuously putting down their own race in order to be accepted by people who aren't white. a light bulb went on for me: this is and has been me. though this is a natural part of the identity model, i felt shame and embarrassment. i know i need to pick myself up, but what a hard place to sit in. however, i know that with the possibility of growth comes inevitable pain. [i have a long way to go]

ignorant, no more.

it's over for me. i can't just sit around and ignore this war. i can't read the newspapers and not let them have an effect on me. i can't become numb to the feeling i had tonight. it's over for me: i've been informed.

jordan, diana and i attended a lecture titled "Nightmare Beyond Borders: The Iraqi Displacement Crisis and What Can Be Done to Stop It." before the lecture my thoughts were: displacement crisis? what the hell does that even mean? me, stop the war? right. refugees? who? what? where? i plead ignorant.

here's the thing... you all know that writing isn't my forté and what you get here is blunt, passionate, and pessimistic opinions. but i'm begging you, give me a chance. don't write me off as a flaming liberal who hates capital punishment, just turned vegetarian and is now anti-war. i've always been against this war, but have never known enough to voice my thoughts. now i understand a little bit more and know enough where i need to write it down. i need to give my money. my time. i can't not care. i'm sick of believing things because that's what the christian-right believes. i am officially not a christian if i am going to be associated with this group of people; these are not the people i know and love who follow jesus.

here's an ignorant test for you*:
can you name the countries that border iraq? how about just the one up north? do you know what IDP stands for? can you name the two countries that accept the most iraqi refugees? do you know how much money we spend a minute on the iraq war? (and i mean "we", because WE do pay taxes and WE do elect our officials) do you know what a G-series passport is? bonus question: what country is the us about to do a TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR arms deal with? *previously, i could not answer ANY of these questions. [that's embarrassing.]

but, emily, this problem is not mine: it's so far away. well, i say to you: if you live in this country and you read the headlines and don't feel anything, then this is your problem. if you don't know the basic facts, then this is your problem. if you pay taxes in this country and you aren't sure what the war is even about, then this is your problem. [and no, it is NOT about weapons of mass destruction.] if you claim to be a follower of jesus, and you give the 'bible says to follow my government and obey the laws of the land' excuse, then this too, is your problem. you have a social and moral obligation to know... i'm not asking you to care. i'm not asking you to give money. i'm not asking you to go. i'm just asking you to learn. inform yourself. research this catastrophe that is bigger than you, your school work, your job, your family, your friends. we are in the fourth year of war, and i'm just now starting to learn. i'm so embarrassed.