excuse my vagueness.

feeling: fear.

can you be scared about something that's all in your head? [i am.] i continue to build up these ideas in my head and i'm afraid. what if it becomes reality? what if it just lets me down? what if i ruin something that's good? will it be my fault? how do i prevent this?

i promote primary emotions: joy, sad, hurt, fear, and anger. here's to not responding "i'm good!" and all the crap in between.

fair, clear and moving.

i love going to movies by myself. it reminds me that i don't always have to go to the bathroom with the girls. more than going to movies by myself, i love love love documentaries. tonight's movie: for the bible tells me so. this isn't a michael moore film where he is clearly biased and bashing the republicans. it's fair. it's clear. it's moving.

new thought: the fear of the Other, the fear of sex, and the fear of femininity collaborate to make homophobia. i have touched on the fear of the Other in conflict resolution and reconciliation, the fear of sex is often mentioned among christian circles, but the fear of femininity became a reality for me tonight. all i had to do was think about how i've contributed to this fear and what i have never done to stop it; "hurry up- you're running like a girl!" or "quit being a pussy!" "stop crying- you're such a girl!" etc. etc. wow, we have a long journey ahead of us.

ultimately, this is a film showcasing six families' struggle to be in faith with a child/sibling who is gay/lesbian.

santa barbara friends: nov 3
seattle friends: oct 26-nov 1
portland friends: right now! and nov 2-8
all else: look here.

don't miss it. it's worth your time. if you can't afford it, email me and i'll use my loan money to pay for you (but it might only get us so far).

it's two forty nine.

and my face has been glued to this screen so that i can finish this take home test. the current question: how will the study of lifespan development impact your practice as a counselor. i am so taking a break.

i have someone who wants to buy my matt nathanson tickets. woohooo! gotta love craigslist.

it's beginning to turn fall in san francisco. that means it's the start of fireplace season. i love love love fireplace season. so do the students.

she loves sunglasses.

one man band.

because everyone needs a little sufjan in their life.

*if you can't get into "come on feel the illinoise!" try "seven swans".

my nephew: the gangster.

riley @ almost 5 months. precious.

think of me?

i'm torturing myself on purpose. for me, this is the way i grow best. "students, we are doing mid-term evaluations. and, uh.. we're doing them face-to-face rather than written and anonymous." translation: please tear me a part to my face slash show me where i can grow and become better at this thing called student life. i continue to remind myself: with the possibility of growth, will come inevitable pain.

oh the sacrifice.

i have tickets to matt nathanson and ingrid michaelson at the fillmore on november 2. matt is on my to-do list of concerts. however, this particular weekend is the only one that works to go to boston this fall. so the tickets are up for grabs and i'm off to visit nick and renee.

speaking of the to-do list... here's what's been completed lately (and what will be completed soon):

1. Visit Boston (soon to be completed on 11/1/07)
6. Study counseling/MFT (Started 8/23/07)
31. Find a new fiction book that I enjoy reading (Completed 10/8/07- The Maytrees; Thanks Anna!)
53. Read more poetry (Completed 9/19/07- Thanks KP!)
56. Make it a point to eat healthy (Started 9/23/07)
59. Go to a dive bar (Completed 9/25/07)
89. Become a vegetarian for one month (soon to be completed on 10/23/07)

the mantra.

the community that i have been spending more and more time with has a mantra. at first i thought the idea of a mantra was strange, but the more that i speak these words, the more i understand.

"to Creator, obedience
to creation, service
to each other, community

in all things, love
in all things, love

for life, prayer
with possessions, simplicity
in our world, creativity

in all things, love
in all things, love"

1 serious note and 3 not so.

i love it when 17 civilians are killed, just for kicks. that would never happen here, but we let it happen there.

this weekend has been relaxing. friday i saw an AWFUL movie: eastern promises. okay, it wasn't awful, but that scene... in the steam roomy place. it's not even a sex or rape scene that makes it awful, it's just bad. you have to see it to understand. oh, the violence. the overall movie was somewhere between good and okay; i just didn't know what i was getting my self into...

on saturday night i got to spend time with allison and her sister, leslie, and their mom, ann. when i was an RA, allison was in my section-- there was something about all that we had in common that made us so close. it's kind of weird. always good to spend time with her, she makes me happy.

sunday: storage, church, dinner party at the guys' house. so fun.