four weeks from today.

i will be a finisher.
i will remember to breathe.
i will try to convince myself to quit.
i will take it one step at a time.
i will remember my progress. as a runner, a person.
i will reflect.
i will cry.
i will hurt. and ache.
but i will be a finisher.

a word of encouragement for the marathoner, from the marathoner.

maggie says: "all i'm saying, em, is that you are not going to regret this. somedays it will feel glorious, and somedays you will fall apart and want to cuss out one of the sweetest friends you have who is always picking up the pieces for you. because that's the beauty of the beast. but that's what makes it so good. the achy muscles and the beating heart and the smell of 18-miles worth of sweat. you're doing it. and i'm so proud of you. so go ahead and cuss people out in your head when you need to. and (again) eat the good stuff while you can without apologizing. and drink lots of water and get lots of rest and say a prayer of thanks here and there for your own beautiful, incredible body with wonderful glutes and quads and hamstrings and calves and feet and toes and pony tails and all that amazing beautiful stuff."

take a pic of yourself in that dress with some red lipstick.

that was cait's idea. which dress? the one jcrew accidentally sent me. the one i didn't order.

i'm not going to deny the fact that i want to keep the dress. or at least return it for more useful clothing. is it bad to wear it once and then give it back? i mean, really, it's just like renting it, right? or borrowing it? maybe?

i guess if it were mine originally i'd want it back. but let's be real, i wouldn't accidentally send something of mine to the wrong person.

don't frown on me because my first inclination wasn't to send it back, i'm just not that holy. oh, ethical decisions, you make my brain itch.

related and unrelated thoughts on moving and running in the same day.

DON'T DO IT.

and don't move the night before and don't move the day after. and don't run eighteen miles in between. and don't get injured and don't, just don't. don't do it. ignore nike.

tonight frances learned that she wasn't twentythree and that made me laugh. i'm learning that my decision to keep training for this race is a choice i probably wouldn't make at twentythree, but at twentysix i'm making it, and i probably would at thirtynine, too. i didn't think i would turn into one of 'those' people, the ones who keep going and pushing, even though they know they shouldn't. i didn't realize my pride could dictate my actions this much. how could i finish eighteen miles and quit?

on a completely unrelated note, i've already made blueberry muffins and coffee cake and today i walked through the grocery aisle just looking at ingredients in order to dream about the time i will spend in our kitchen. there's something about feeding people that brings a true joy and sense of satisfaction to my person. these were just box recipes and they took seven minutes, but it didn't matter. the steam that escapes from a blueberry muffin in the morning is so worth it; i feel more comfortable in this new home. if this were twitter, i would write #bestupgradeever.

and even more unrelated, one of my wisest friends said something so profound, i pulled over and re-read it multiple times. i'm all for cleaning out my inbox, but this email with these words? it gets to stay. "i don't think pain makes people crazy and sad and angry, i think hope does." her words helped me understand how i'm so crazy.

when telling people you're training for a marathon.

one of the most interesting questions you might receive is, "have you noticed your body changing much?" [this is not a joke, i get this question at least once a week.]

i try my best not to make people feel awkward about asking this, but it's a bit odd. so i start to think of possible responses i could give to enhance the quirkiness of the question:
"yes, my thighs used to be really jiggly but now they're rock hard."
"i've noticed my heart pumps my blood faster."
"help! my boobs are shrinking."

don't worry, i haven't actually said the above (yet). i generally end up saying something about getting better sleep. nice and safe, right? right. reality is this, though: for me, it feels like people want to know if i've lost weight. [what a question that could be.] instead of asking the above question, or the one they're really trying to communicate, we should all just say NO to asking women about their bodies unless you're in the inner circle. and if you're wondering if you're in the inner circle, then you're probably not.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
random side notes:
-auntie em times five today! hello cannon, my new little ball of love.
-eighteen miles on saturday. i never thought i'd say this, but i'm excited.
-last shower with the moldy curtain will be on friday.
-posey, lincecum, wilson, huff, ross, etc: this city can't get enough of you.
-wine + benefit for the worker's children's fund = drunk dependency attorneys.

one of my favorite days of the year!

the first tuesday of november is always such a wonderful day; i like it better than birthdays and labor days and even christmases! IT'S ELECTION DAY!!!

to my california friends, click here to find out where your polling place is and what's on the ballot. everyone else can go to [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com

a stupid myth i've heard over seventeen times in the last week:

myth thinker: i'm not registered because i didn't vote in 2009.

me: but you voted in 2008, right?

myth thinker: right.

me: THEN YOU'RE REGISTERED. just go here: [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com to find out where to vote.

no unsolicited voting advice from me this year. well, besides NO on twentythree.

"voting is free. it's fairly fast. it doesn't make you responsible for the outcome, but it sure has an impact on what we have to live with going forward. the only thing that would make it better is free snacks." -seth godin

i'll be alone with you.

i've been trying to reflect on my experience of sufjan's tuesday night show in oakland; the reality that i witnessed a true musical genius is repeating in my head. what this man can do with instruments and sound and movement is awe inspiring. i literally had my mouth open for long moments, shocked by the beautiful and surprising noise.

prior to the show, i talked a lot with suf's biggest crusher about lowering our expectations in order to not be bummed-- bummed that there would be few songs from seven swans and tons from age of adz. we secretly hoped that after the costume and dance performance was over he would tip toe back on stage during our roaring encore and sing those lyrics, the ones that have brought us closer to our Creator and provided understanding for our deep feelings of love and insecurity, shame and joy. during the twothousand and five show he did it, he played all of them for me. but this was five years later, things are different! i am different, sufjan is different.

and then... it happened: to be alone with you was the second song of the encore. up to this point he hadn't played it during his whole tour. i was mesmerized during the short two minutes and forty four seconds; my tears formed and dropped and the theme of feeling alive, present and well returned to not just my thoughts but the sensation overcame my body. this was my peace.

he ended the encore with the eerie song that is john wayne gacy, jr. the story so disturbing, the ending so real: "and in my best behavior, i am just like him. look beneath the floorboards for the secrets i have hid."

the night's playlist for those who want re-create:

uniquely san francisco.

coming home from the sufjan concert last night we witnessed this, three gorillas in jail jump suits on muni:





















delighted by our city hall, lit up orange:

lions and tigers and...

some eleven hours north of me, baby bear was born almost three months ago. lucky me, i got to relax and babysit with the mellow family; it was a wonderful three days, even in our attempts to make dinner and decisions together.

miss you and your encouraging love already.

there's always going to be something better out there.

and there's always going to be something worse. it just depends on your lens, right?