help me grow.

step it up. quit shooting the shit. if you don't already, i'm begging you to tell me the ways i hurt you. i need to know. i can't continue to live this way. [prideful]

jane higa says that with the possibility of growth will come inevitable pain. she is so right. i am asking you to hurt me so i can grow. please?

t.h.o.u.g.h.t.s

"the mighty one, the lord
calls to all the earth
for a heart that would bow down
for a head that he could lift
with eyes of mercy
a burning passion
he will not keep silent
til we feel the fire again"

what if my heart isn't bowing down?

---

i used to have a voice mail message where i was laughing, but the only funny thing about it was that i fake laughed just so i could have a laugh on my voice mail cause i thought that was cool or something. or something.

--

i've given up on a house search. it will work out?

work at the accounting office is going well. the boys i work with are just that, boys.

--

"stay free
stay the same
play it straight and own your name,
plain jane"

j.m.

--


too many things on the "future" list and i keep wanting to add more...

ministry school
london with m & m
grad school- spu? fpu? apu?
santa barbara
start the magazine
apply for the peace corps
pay off my loans

--

i need my memory back.

you sit there with your tongue sticking out at me. you scream "i win- i win and you lose" and i think to myself- you are so right. you have won. you've done things to make me sad and i've lost another friend. but it's mostly my fault; i didn't bring things into the light. i wasn't nice. i pretended like you weren't lonely. you were. i didn't encourage you. i didn't pray for you. only me. i'm so selfish. but really, i never wanted you as my friend, until you didn't return my calls and you were too busy for me. but you bothered me. why? i'm not so sure. but what i am sure of is how i am jealous of you. but when i am jealous, it is because i forget about what i have and who i am. . . i am the beloved. . . i am His favorite. but you still win, because in the end, i have forgotten.


psalm 69.

interested.

something tells me it's not okay to be interested in this or that. but i am interested. whatever is telling me it's not okay is taking over and making me act this way.

who's with me?

tristan. ben. this friday the 3rd. the roxy.
buchanan on february 14th. happy freaking valentine's day. the troubadour.

realization!

when i admire someone or am in the presence of someone who i have a deep longing to learn from, i shut up. i can't talk. and it's not that i just want to listen because they have so much to say, it is more of me not knowing how to make conversation. i am not exactly "comfortable." this happens a lot to me. i'm not sure if i am intimidated or just nervous because i am going to say the wrong thing and they will think i am stupid, or clearly not as wise as they are. [ahh, fear of man.] i was just faced with this realization as i am writing a friend an email, explaining the somewhat awkward silence that sometimes occurs in our interactions. and then i thought, "wow, this happens a lot with me. a pattern. interesting."

so when i am with you and i lack words, it is because you are admired. maybe.

i keep trying to post, but.

.but i kept writing and deleting. writing and deleting. so then i heard this song. and i liked it.

that I would be good:

that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

-a.m.

and here is my addition:

that i would be loved even if i wasn't a "success"

bad.

feeling really bad. not settled. no bed to sleep in. jumping around to friend's. never knowing what to do next. not having a home. need another job. what am i doing here?

crap cubed.

i'm having a hard time right now. i come to westmont to hang out but i get bored. i have to remember that all these people are still in school. they still have homework to do and classes to go to. i kind of feel needy when i get here. i've never thought of myself as needy. today i am needy. crap.

i made a mistake. i went and applied for a hostess position at bj's and she said i could have the job but i needed to call on thursday between 7am and 5pm. at 230pm on thursday i thought i should call and then i proceeded to forget. i never forget things like that. i even wrote it down. crap.

i've been pretty apathetic lately. not just as a christian, but in life as a whole. i think it's cause i don't have a schedule or a planned out day, packed with things to do. when i just hang out with myself all day, with nothing to do for anyone else, i do nothing productive. crap.

do you think i sound like drew barrymore?

job, birthday, and a home.

i got a job. i'm not sure how i feel about it, but we'll see. i start a week from today for training. i am basically helping out at a tax firm and getting paid pretty well. there is a bit of a catch... the job is in santa barbara and my home is in camarillo and i can't go on potter's clay. super big bummer. but the job is only part time so i can actually get another job and save up money and pay my bills. yuck. bills.

today i almost drove to fresno for my friend jacob's birthday party. i thought i would surprise him but then i remembered that i hate surprises so i called him to ask him what he thought. he thought no. rejected. okay, not really rejected, more just saved from eight hours of driving. oh well. right? but i wanted to be there to hang out. my job doesn't start until next week and i am getting quite bored. quit being a stupid girl, emily.

i still need a place to live. i'm not sure if driving all the way to sb from camarillo is the most brilliant idea. it looks like i will be in sb for the summer, i definitely have a job, i just don't have a place to live. that seems like a common denominator in emily's world of problems. i need a remedy...