did you watch modern family this week?

i can finally show you this! it will make more sense if you (one) watch the show and (two) know that my cousin's name is brandon, he is the camera man, and it was his birthday.

note: ed o'neill does not actually know what's going on.

holding my breath.

twenty miles, here i come.

sunday starts the oh-so-familiar taper.

the magic of this fog.

summer in san francisco from michael winokur. discovered via sfgirlbybay

there's something about san francisco's fog that makes this place so special. it's not like the central valley's deadly tule fog that i grew up with. instead it captures your mind, your attention, and for me, it makes me wonder about movement. i guess it reminds me of sufjan's thoughts on movement, too. regardless, i think about how i am changing, progressing, continuing in a forward motion instead of an upward motion (the way i often think of growth).

this fog, this city treasure that often makes me roll my eyes and shout to the sun in my teeny tiny voice, "come out, come out, wherever you are!", is perfect. and riveting. and is an almost-daily reminder that this blanket doesn't have to hide me, but i can embrace the beautiful gray mess that it is. exactly where i am, exactly in this place.

all good things must come to an end.

today i said goodbye to the very first case i opened on my own. goodbyes are never easy, especially when they really are permanent.

goodbye to you who taught me about resilience.
goodbye to you who longed for a good enough attention.
goodbye to you who cared enough to keep trying, over and over again.
and goodbye to you who just needed to be loved in a new way.

four weeks from today.

i will be a finisher.
i will remember to breathe.
i will try to convince myself to quit.
i will take it one step at a time.
i will remember my progress. as a runner, a person.
i will reflect.
i will cry.
i will hurt. and ache.
but i will be a finisher.

a word of encouragement for the marathoner, from the marathoner.

maggie says: "all i'm saying, em, is that you are not going to regret this. somedays it will feel glorious, and somedays you will fall apart and want to cuss out one of the sweetest friends you have who is always picking up the pieces for you. because that's the beauty of the beast. but that's what makes it so good. the achy muscles and the beating heart and the smell of 18-miles worth of sweat. you're doing it. and i'm so proud of you. so go ahead and cuss people out in your head when you need to. and (again) eat the good stuff while you can without apologizing. and drink lots of water and get lots of rest and say a prayer of thanks here and there for your own beautiful, incredible body with wonderful glutes and quads and hamstrings and calves and feet and toes and pony tails and all that amazing beautiful stuff."

take a pic of yourself in that dress with some red lipstick.

that was cait's idea. which dress? the one jcrew accidentally sent me. the one i didn't order.

i'm not going to deny the fact that i want to keep the dress. or at least return it for more useful clothing. is it bad to wear it once and then give it back? i mean, really, it's just like renting it, right? or borrowing it? maybe?

i guess if it were mine originally i'd want it back. but let's be real, i wouldn't accidentally send something of mine to the wrong person.

don't frown on me because my first inclination wasn't to send it back, i'm just not that holy. oh, ethical decisions, you make my brain itch.

related and unrelated thoughts on moving and running in the same day.

DON'T DO IT.

and don't move the night before and don't move the day after. and don't run eighteen miles in between. and don't get injured and don't, just don't. don't do it. ignore nike.

tonight frances learned that she wasn't twentythree and that made me laugh. i'm learning that my decision to keep training for this race is a choice i probably wouldn't make at twentythree, but at twentysix i'm making it, and i probably would at thirtynine, too. i didn't think i would turn into one of 'those' people, the ones who keep going and pushing, even though they know they shouldn't. i didn't realize my pride could dictate my actions this much. how could i finish eighteen miles and quit?

on a completely unrelated note, i've already made blueberry muffins and coffee cake and today i walked through the grocery aisle just looking at ingredients in order to dream about the time i will spend in our kitchen. there's something about feeding people that brings a true joy and sense of satisfaction to my person. these were just box recipes and they took seven minutes, but it didn't matter. the steam that escapes from a blueberry muffin in the morning is so worth it; i feel more comfortable in this new home. if this were twitter, i would write #bestupgradeever.

and even more unrelated, one of my wisest friends said something so profound, i pulled over and re-read it multiple times. i'm all for cleaning out my inbox, but this email with these words? it gets to stay. "i don't think pain makes people crazy and sad and angry, i think hope does." her words helped me understand how i'm so crazy.

when telling people you're training for a marathon.

one of the most interesting questions you might receive is, "have you noticed your body changing much?" [this is not a joke, i get this question at least once a week.]

i try my best not to make people feel awkward about asking this, but it's a bit odd. so i start to think of possible responses i could give to enhance the quirkiness of the question:
"yes, my thighs used to be really jiggly but now they're rock hard."
"i've noticed my heart pumps my blood faster."
"help! my boobs are shrinking."

don't worry, i haven't actually said the above (yet). i generally end up saying something about getting better sleep. nice and safe, right? right. reality is this, though: for me, it feels like people want to know if i've lost weight. [what a question that could be.] instead of asking the above question, or the one they're really trying to communicate, we should all just say NO to asking women about their bodies unless you're in the inner circle. and if you're wondering if you're in the inner circle, then you're probably not.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
random side notes:
-auntie em times five today! hello cannon, my new little ball of love.
-eighteen miles on saturday. i never thought i'd say this, but i'm excited.
-last shower with the moldy curtain will be on friday.
-posey, lincecum, wilson, huff, ross, etc: this city can't get enough of you.
-wine + benefit for the worker's children's fund = drunk dependency attorneys.

one of my favorite days of the year!

the first tuesday of november is always such a wonderful day; i like it better than birthdays and labor days and even christmases! IT'S ELECTION DAY!!!

to my california friends, click here to find out where your polling place is and what's on the ballot. everyone else can go to [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com

a stupid myth i've heard over seventeen times in the last week:

myth thinker: i'm not registered because i didn't vote in 2009.

me: but you voted in 2008, right?

myth thinker: right.

me: THEN YOU'RE REGISTERED. just go here: [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com to find out where to vote.

no unsolicited voting advice from me this year. well, besides NO on twentythree.

"voting is free. it's fairly fast. it doesn't make you responsible for the outcome, but it sure has an impact on what we have to live with going forward. the only thing that would make it better is free snacks." -seth godin