i'll be alone with you.

i've been trying to reflect on my experience of sufjan's tuesday night show in oakland; the reality that i witnessed a true musical genius is repeating in my head. what this man can do with instruments and sound and movement is awe inspiring. i literally had my mouth open for long moments, shocked by the beautiful and surprising noise.

prior to the show, i talked a lot with suf's biggest crusher about lowering our expectations in order to not be bummed-- bummed that there would be few songs from seven swans and tons from age of adz. we secretly hoped that after the costume and dance performance was over he would tip toe back on stage during our roaring encore and sing those lyrics, the ones that have brought us closer to our Creator and provided understanding for our deep feelings of love and insecurity, shame and joy. during the twothousand and five show he did it, he played all of them for me. but this was five years later, things are different! i am different, sufjan is different.

and then... it happened: to be alone with you was the second song of the encore. up to this point he hadn't played it during his whole tour. i was mesmerized during the short two minutes and forty four seconds; my tears formed and dropped and the theme of feeling alive, present and well returned to not just my thoughts but the sensation overcame my body. this was my peace.

he ended the encore with the eerie song that is john wayne gacy, jr. the story so disturbing, the ending so real: "and in my best behavior, i am just like him. look beneath the floorboards for the secrets i have hid."

the night's playlist for those who want re-create: