thursdays are still my favorite day.

unexpected events:

scootering in a dress. [unsafe, i know]
hour and a half long phone conversations.
servers at fundraisers that know who is crashing the party.
comments like "my eyes are drawn to your legs" [i was wearing patterned tights]
chubby hubby ben and jerry's at work.
finishing my progress notes in nine minutes, a new record.
my therapist helping me see a very common pattern: losing myself on purpose.

there is steam exiting from my ears.

one of my immediate family members just said to me, "i'm pretty sure colin powell endorsed barack obama because he's black" and that's when i said "it's time for me to get off the phone with you now. i love you but i need to go to the balcony. i'll call you when i come back down. however, it might be AFTER november fourth."

angry. frustrated. tired of this. most of all: sad. will i ever see change in my lifetime?

i'm obsessed with.

the song "you got growin' up to do" by joshua radin, featuring patty griffin. (brought to my attention by julie!)

the post office and their services.

being caffeine free until january first.

writing michele and anna updates.

using my macbook to talk to lisa in south africa.

running the stairs at kezar.

this mj ad campaign from this past spring:

the culmination of my stressful week.

this is for those of you who have asked about my stressful week, or specifically about my case conference.

this past friday went something like this:

my first case conference experience was so. hard. and i did fine. i presented well. the response was good. and then they started asking me questions. and i started answering them. and within some of my answers was, well, how i apparently felt about the case but didn't know i felt about the case. have you ever done that? not known you felt a certain way until it just spilled out of your mouth? except it was more like projectile vomiting. 

things i vomited include: 

"anything i do this year with this client is nothing." 

"what i say isn't going to be good enough for this client"

"everything i do with this client is worthless"

and my supervisor wrote all my quotes on the board. she said, "i'm not writing this to make you upset. but you need to realize that this is how you feel and it's affecting the case. counter-transference, if you will." and i sank in my chair. sank sank sank. and took a sip of water. because that's what i do when i try to hold back my tears. but one still managed to make its way to the corner of my eye. and i took a deep breath. and swallowed. and forgot to breath. and remembered again. and sat with it. the anger. the frustration. the pain. and the tear dropped from my face.

i didn't know i felt that way. and all of a sudden, in a matter of moments, this case got a lot harder and a lot more complicated. [just what i needed]

and then i got a one hundred dollar ticket. on my SCOOTER. awesome.

family whirlwind weekend.

i said this yesterday, and i'll say it again. my family is overwhelming. and perfect. all at once. i love them.

saturday: my six and eleven year old cousins had soccer games. quite entertaining, i must say. here we are after sofia's game... her team, the boas, won. in fact, one of her teammates got a hat trick.

my favorite quote from the weekend...

me: he thinks i live in heathen-ville?!

aunt molly: well, you sort of do.

us, at the same time: and we love it!

sunday: my sis-in-law courtney ran the nike women's half marathon and i got to run with her for some of it. super fun. LOVE the atmosphere of races-- so inspiring. sort of-maybe thinking about another one. [JULIE, you down?!] tonight we had a bbq dinner and i made dan and dillon come with. i officially decided my mother is one of the most embarrassing and lovely people in the world. and i also decided everyone should go to powell's with my cousins. what a trip.

the color: blue.

the reality is sinking in about the importance of having a network not just as a twentyfour year old, but as a fortysix year old, a sixtyone year old and an eightynine year old. i've heard over and over: to age gracefully means to have a network and outlets. to have hobbies and friends. to have relationships. to be plugged in. to be part of a bigger social structure.

and if you don't have any of that, you have a much higher rate of depression (surprise!). and it's not like aging wasn't hard enough. douse it with a little mood disorder.

i fought back my own tears today in a session. this particular client is so alone, so desperate to be heard. and definitely without the network and outlets. and all i wanted to do was reach out my hand and hold hers. or hug her. and i couldn't. resisting to physically hold her and only therapeutically hold her was extremely difficult.

"not everyone thinks of blue the same way" she told me with anger and frustration. there is so much wisdom in her simple words.

non-negotiables.

anna just sent me this e-card because she thinks it represents me (and her, for that matter).

she knows me so well. a non-voter is SO non-negotiable.

get your REGISTRATION on. california! we have four days.

raise your hand if you're stressed out.

am i the only one with my hand raised? shit.

reading. client. case presentation. money. dying computer. work. reading. client. case conference. class. work. client. paperwork. blah. blah. blah.

now is not the time to:
be mean to me. need me. hug me (unless you've been granted permission).

now is the time to:
be patient with me. give me grace. love me.

another splendid sunday.

baking date with julie... chocolate whoppers (SO GOOD) and turtle cheesecake.

from this:

to this:

i've never made a cheesecake before. a lot of mixing. we'll taste it tomorrow...


saw nick & norah's infinite playlist tonight. cute. good conversation that follows is always a bonus.

meredith says.

"bones break. organs bursts. flesh tears. we can sew the flesh, repair the damage. ease the pain. but when life breaks down. when we break down. there's no science. no hard and fast rules. we just have to feel our way through. and to a surgeon, there's nothing worse and there's nothing better."

that's the bit of advice meredith offered us thursday night around nine fifty eight. somehow this relates to me. in a big way. i just needed to change a few words around...

"hearts break. families burst. friendships tear. we can sew the flesh, repair the damage. ease the pain. but when life breaks down. when we break down. there's no science. no hard and fast rules. we just have to take a risk. and to a human living in the present moment, there's nothing worse and there's nothing better."

on wednesday from two o'clock to two fifty, i was reminded of this. he said, "emily. quit deflecting. you can deflect with your clients, because that's what we do. but quit deflecting in all of your personal relationships. you need to take a risk. anything worth while is worth taking a risk for."

here's to taking risks.