quitting is never as easy as you hope it to be.

often times people quit jobs because there's a new adventure or something more exciting waiting for them. sometimes they quit because it's a terrible environment. my friend erin quit her job because she was going on a seven month travel escapade and another friend lauren quit because her dream job working with obese kids was knocking on her door. i'm sure there's other reasons people quit, too.

i recently gave notice at the restaurant, a place that i've grown to have a fond attachment to... in the year that i've been there i've learned a lot about food and wine and hospitality. and serving and hosting and cleaning up dropped floral arrangements and the service industry in general. and apologies and management styles and eating habits and table manners and couples who turn the table to sit side-by-side and human-resources-stuff and invoices and statements and entertaining and life... i sure have learned a lot about life.

you see, i went to the restaurant in order to escape; to turn my grief into a money-maker. i had a feeling twothousand eleven would suck so i thought it would be a good idea to grieve by keeping busy. this is not something i recommend. in fact, this is a terrible way to prolong the grieving process. but it's what i did.

who knew i'd grow to love coming to this place three nights a week, smiling and buffing wine glasses while exhausted. or tasting new kitchen creations and learning about new and old world wine. or learning how to make an espresso and problem solving when people tell me they (God forbid) won't sit at the communal table. who knew i'd get to exercise a different part of my heart muscle as i worked with middle and upper class privileged people- quite the change from what my day job offers. who knew i'd stop judging servers who are serving because they want to make a career out of food and this isn't just a stop on the train getting them through school or supplementing their income. who knew i'd train for a marathon while working sixtyfive hours a week. who knew? i didn't.

so now i'm realizing that quitting this restaurant thing is not so easy. there's no better job or adventure waiting for me on the other side of this quit, just a need to put a little more effort into studying for my licensing exams. matt keeps telling me i can change my mind and stay. i'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about it... but i can't. as much as i want to, i can't. it's time to be a bit more serious about my career, my relationships and me. i hoped this would be easy to quit... it's not; my heart aches as i think about not being part of staff meals and discussions about acid and tannins and blind tastes. and the people. i will miss the people... they've become a second family.

this type of quitting is not enjoyable or easy. especially because i'm not a good quitter. help.

it's time to own a few things.

when i started this blog it was because i was studying abroad in florence and i didn't want to send people a mass email; i'd hoped they'd come to the blog on their own instead of getting another lengthy item in their inbox that they'd likely never read. after coming back from florence i kept writing... since that time, all three of my brothers got married, i moved to san francisco, all of my niece and nephews were born, i worked at the urban house, went through grad school, moved five times, started my current job, lost myself-found myself again, ran two marathons and two halfs, attended and coordinated some weddings, learned a thing or two about growing up, giving, friendship, pain, love and humility. it's been seventyeight months of documenting my life.

it's hard for me to recall the exact moment when this space shifted from the things i was learning and thinking to cryptic and mysterious posts that could only be interpreted if you were in my inner-circle. the time period, however, is very clear: somewhere between starting my work at my current agency and my self-inflicted heart break. many factors contributed to this shift; becoming more serious about my career- especially as it relates to confidentiality, working to make this space anything but passive-aggressive, and wanting a sense of privacy while having an outlet to write. ultimately, this shift was one part intentional, two parts accidental.

i'm at a point where i'm trying to make some decisions about where this thing is going. over the years it's become less of a priority but it still holds a place in my heart where i'm able to document, write, and not forget. it's my piece of history on the internet. (dangerous, i'm sure, though my teenage dreams of running for public office don't so much line up with my late-twenties dreams.) i've thought about shutting it down but that seems silly since i once told myself i'd like to document my twenties and i'm more than two thirds done. but i'm pretty tired of hiding behind posts which often don't make sense to people and are really just about the latest drama that's dictating my feelings. this is mostly because i don't have a strong dimmer switch; i want to tell you everything or i want to tell you nothing. you could say boundaries are sometimes hard for me. but here's the truth: i want to go back to stories from the day and learning from those around me and experiences and dreams and dialogue and thoughts and ideas that aren't fully formed, but where i feel safe enough to show you... you, the world of my biggest fans, my biggest critics (mostly me), stalkers and old friends and people i don't even know. but none of this is for you... this is for me. this is because twothousand and twelve is a year of renewal and honesty and taking care of myself. it's a year of showing up for me- the organized, reliable, judgmental, thoughtful, sometimes tactless, smart woman that i am.

i'm not sure what all this means... i had the thought that i should write it down here, sharing with you in order to have some accountability. so i guess that's what i'm doing. owning that there's been some change over time, i'm not super satisfied with it, but it was what it was, and now i'm hoping for something different. and if every time i sit down to write and the same types of posts come out as the last couple years, there will probably be longer gaps between each published post. i'm okay with that for now.

i'm looking forward to what's next.

(L cubed) lessons learned lately.

smart looks really different, all the time. wanting people to believe you're smart is also really foolish.

quitting is never as easy as you hope it to be, especially if it's something you love. or like.

unrequited love is terrible. but it gives whatever's next a deeper meaning, i think.

gifts given to me, when i'm the most undeserving, remind me about the simplicity and beauty of generosity.

peanut butter sandwiches can't get old. i mean, they can, but i refuse to let them.

when a mistake is made, michele is the person to tell. hands down.

gameless relationships are life changing.

tonight at the restaurant.

we'll seat a lot of people, one hundred percent couples. i'll make up a little story for most everyone who walks through the door... it'll include something about their first kiss and how they met: in the rain, at a party, on her bed... friends from college, colleagues at work, at a bar, blind date... it will all be a little bit romantic. which is strange because i'm not very romantic.

this has been a year (all fortytwo days of it) of raising expectations back up to where they belong. recreating memories and believing in outcomes. risk taking and showing up for exactly who i am- all of me- because i've got nothing to lose.

and despite how i felt last week (and the previous twentysevenish years), this is a year of celebrating the small things, including valentine's day.

growing up, i guess.

my friend lisa taught me a bit about poetry tonight.

not so much about poetry itself, but more about why she writes poetry and how it makes her feel. i was able to connect with the misunderstanding of topics that she imagines and clarity she can bring to them.

spending time with lisa is so worth my time; we share stories from our own books, closing old chapters and opening new ones, providing details that you only share with a trusted person who walks the lines of inner circle and long-distance friend.

being with lisa as she gets excited is as good as it gets... she's on the list of least dramatic women i know, so you know her facial expressions are authentic. i'm looking forward to her excitement when i prove to her that poetry- her poetry- is something people should care about.

recipe for singing in public for the first time.

two glasses of wine.
in a room full of people who love you.
with your best friend introducing you.
singing with one of the most encouraging people.
success!

goal two of three complete. unfortunately,
you can't help me with the third.
this one's on me.

the anticipation of a terrible week...

..has turned out to be fantastic. i know we're only on tuesday, but the combination of the following has brightened up my [already bright] life:

pour some sugar on me playlists.
surprise flowers as a just because gesture.
fur coats, big hats and curling-iron-microphone dance parties.
surprise! you don't have to work tonight calls.
more handwritten notes off in the mail: signed, sealed and delivered.
two hour trainings that lead themselves.
visiting the torture room to heal my it-band before this weekend's half.
frozen yogurt conversations with laurel where we own our Crazy.

and i can hear so many of your voices in my head: "you, sweet emily, are exactly where you're supposed to be. " and i agree.

i LOVE twothousand twelve.

brings me back to my first clients.

i cannot wait to see this documentary. i miss late age adults and dementia so so much.



more info: you're looking at me like i live here and i don't.

thanks mag.

for your encouragement amongst the anxiety of tests and life and newness and change.

"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another- that is surely the basic instinct...Crying out: High Tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take life for what it is." -Barbara Kingsolver

i love this quote, especially as my twothousand twelve feels a little bit like a new life. making good on a new shore... definitely.

for what it's worth.

"It's never too late, or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best of it or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you meet people with two different points of view. I hope you live a life you are proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." (quote from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

i wrote this in a card to someone at some point in the last two years and i found it saved in my drafts folder today. it was profound timing as i watch myself take courageous steps to start some things over in my life. new beginnings, even if it means something has ended, are [mostly] always good. i am filled with gratitude today, even while running on a low amount of sleep. [standard]