Wednesday, September 21, 2011

this is my year, it really is.

it's been one hell of a year, or at least three hundred and sixtyfour days.

i went to greece and turkey. i dated someone who was absolutely perfect for me on paper but that's where things ended. i ran a marathon in eightyone degree heat/sixtynine percent humidity. i got a promotion at work. i dated someone who broke my heart; we both didn't tell the whole truth but i ended it because i didn't demand love or respect. one of my dear friends got misdiagnosed with a terminal illness. i ran another marathon and pr'd by an hour. my dad got sick- the kind of sick where you spend time reflecting on the time you might have left together. i said no to keeping connections with people who increased my anxiety. i went to alaska and fell in love with my niece and nephews all over again. i started working a lot. my mft hours got approved. i thought a lot about forgiveness and how it looks. i started therapy again.

i don't know if it's this year in particular or if it's every year as i get older, but wow, this last birthday cycle has been full of extreme feelings.

thankfully, though, i learned some stuff.

the most helpful decision i made in the last four seasons was to ask for help... to admit that i can't do it all, to admit that i am wrong, to admit that i wasn't honest, to admit that my heart is a little bit black. and in my practically pleading for help- what i perceived to be weakness in asking for it was actually brave and courageous and completely humiliating in the most beautiful way. you see, asking for help does not come easy for me... in fact, i don't often do it. somewhere along the way i became a yesperson who believed they could do it all while holding it all together. this year has been about taking risks and looking beyond my own selfishness and asking for what i needed-- knowing full well that the person on the receiving end of my question had their own freedom to not give me what i was asking for.

and though it's been rough around here, it's been the most beautiful and transformative process i've ever lived through. daily i'm saying yes to making peace with not getting what i want(ed), not denying my grief and taking responsibility all over again for my actions. my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. this life i live is pretty amazing; i am honored- this is my year.

happy birthday, self.

i didn't think i would cry.

last night i gathered thirteen people in the same room to fill their bellies with some of my favorite foods and taste wines that are beyond my sophistication. they believed they were there to celebrate my upcoming birthday, but they were actually there because i wanted to celebrate them- some of them my best friends, some of them people i see often and share life with in the same community- they all have something in common: they live in san francisco and have shown up in extraordinary ways in the last threehundred and sixtythree days.

i have moments i want to hold onto, moments i want to remember, and one occurred last night: the part where i started to cry as i became overwhelmed with gratitude- right there in the middle of the restaurant full of forty other people. i didn't expect the clementine-in-my-throat/pause-to-collect-myself physical reaction, but as i reflected on this past year, i couldn't help it... the highest highs and lowest lows life-to-date (is that a phrase? i figure you can replace year with life?) flashed in my mind and the people sitting around the table were all in one place. it was absolutely perfect.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

recent things that have made me smile.

josh reported that levi has nine teeth all day (common phrase to describe the total amount of a particular dish needing to be prepared by a chef).

the dpd is expanding! the show will go from short to long coming in at around sixty minutes, an increase from the current eighteen minute average. excellent.

facetiming with m.j. who surprised us all with his arrival.

the k&e joint birthday celebration/house party was off the hook.

the september sixth radio lab shorts about tic tac toe was awesome. and hearing malcolm gladwell talk about the overdog made me laugh out loud on the recent games episode.

spontaneous music sessions in preparation for goal two of three (more to come on this topic).

Saturday, September 17, 2011



Thursday, September 15, 2011

when i grow up and turn sixtyfive.

mim: a woman with short grey hair who drinks assam golden tip tea every thursday morning at eight sixteen, right after she's just cleaned three bathrooms. she tries to coax me, the youngest, into helping... i play it off like it's more important to have me sweep. "i love sweeping, mim. i do it with style."

she's sixtyfive in a few weeks and i'm jealous of the woman she's become; her convictions are strong and her presence is gentle. she draws a self portrait every night before bed and she swears she's been doing yoga since before there were yoga mats. she's an avid birder and loves to car camp. she is rational and passionate and lives out her beliefs. she cares about us, deeply.

i'd be really proud if i could be like mim at sixtyfive.

Monday, September 12, 2011

i've got much to tell you.

breakups and heart aches and friends in love. flings and popcorn and nineteen seventysix hanzell pinot noir. seventy hour work weeks and ninth grade girls. blackberry chocolate cake with mascarpone frosting and spiked slurpees and fresh flowers and grocery shopping on sunday morning. a martin's artist work displayed and sunny september san francisco days. naming twins and late night and early morning texts.

i'm moving into a really fresh place and i can't wait to tell you about it. i didn't lie when i said this was my year... the highest highs and the lowest lows, hands down.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

part two: officially done.

on the last day of my masters program my favorite adjunct professor said, "congratulations, you've officially finished one third of the process to becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist." in my head i thought, "one third? try one half!" i thought the equation was one half masters program + one half everything else.

turns out he was right: one third masters program + one third supervised hours (three thousand) + one third taking and passing the boards = one marriage and family therapist.

after waiting one hundred and sixtynine days for my hours to be approved, i received my "congratulations you can now take your boards" letter in the mail today. it's official. it's time to replace marathon training with studying. or i could just take them blind and cross my fingers that i've learned something since my program ended?

i'll let you know when i pass. in the mean time, i'll be at matching half studying (in all my spare time).

Monday, September 5, 2011

i love southern california adventures.

i spent the weekend in santa barbara and newport beach and it reminded me of how much things and people have changed. well, not so much things as much as people- especially me. the weekend included sunshine and baby room decorating and go-fish and bridesmaid dresses and the best server who wanted to keep my water glass full and long car rides and lots of books and all you can eat sushi and tears and homemade pizza with lots of wine and laughing... a lot of laughing.