some things never change.

disappointed.

hearing dr. michael riera speak at the challenge success conference earlier this month has me thinking about integrity more. he discussed the rise of cheating within schools, sports, etc., which he attributed to a general lack of integrity being emphasized in communities, schools and more importantly, homes.

integrity, as defined by education.com, is treating others fairly, controlling oneself amid promises of pleasure and threats of pain or loss, and the habit of gathering evidence conscientiously and not using deception to manipulate for ulterior purposes. you can read riera's book if you're interested in teaching and increasing integrity in kids. but what about adults?

the thought of adult integrity led me to think about my disappointment with the recent presidential/vp debates. i've watched all three uncomfortably and i've questioned, "is that true?" and thoughts of "that needs to be fact checked" occur throughout the entire hour and a half.

isn't that terrible? that the two men running for president of the united states have to exaggerate, bend the truth and straight up lie in order to convince people to vote for them? on a national stage no less.

one could argue that integrity is an oxymoron for politician. sure, nixon (watergate) and clinton (monica and lying about monica) are perfect examples. but does this mean it should be tolerated? absolutely not. in the aforementioned examples impeachment and resignation were part of the consequences, not to mention they will embarrassingly take up space in our history books forever. i get it- politicians aren't known for being honest. but if we're going to continue to accept this as reality, then we shouldn't for one second be surprised when a hundred and twentyfive students from harvard are caught cheating or lance (and his teammates and the majority of the tour) cheated all along. and hell, let's expand to infidelity and include tiger, kobe, and john edwards, just for kicks.

if i'm willing to vote and elect a president who lies to win, i've got to lower my expectations for kids and their ability to learn and practice the tenets of integrity. read that last sentence again. it's an absolutely terrible and distressing idea. but i guess naming it here helps me not to be surprised when the next cheating scandal hits.

i've never gone this long without writing in this space.

my life is filled with things like new bangs and jobs and cars and boys and travels and and and totally unexpected fun. i am in the biggest change season of my life (to date) and it is awesome.

my birthday came and went and i have to tell you- i've never had a better birthday. i felt cared for and known and loved and supported in the most beautiful ways; from vitamixes and heirloom dinners to camping and camino and bi-rite ice cream pie. but those are all just things… it was the sunset saying goodbye to twentyseven and the trail run the following morning where i reflected on the people i'm surround by: my good good family and friends. i was overwhelmed with gratitude for incredible human relationships.

but i guess that's all i'm able to write tonight. the truth is i'm here, alive, pressing into my new job, studying, politicking, running, being in the most redemptive relationship and continuing in my personal growth as i get to create who i want to be, in God's image. i feel the most strength and support i've ever known. this is good, this is real good.

learning and respecting.

first, the good news: last week was filled with quite a bit of tears and great moments of overwhelming loss, but thank God: i've stopped eating those damn rice krispy treats.

penelope trunk recently wrote an article about her best advice to twenty somethings... at the end, she says: “What should I be doing now?” is a question I get a lot from people in their 20s. The answer is that you should be respecting yourself as you learn about yourself. You should give yourself the space to do anything and then look closely to see what you enjoy. You do not need to get paid for what you enjoy, but you need to find a way to commit to what you enjoy, and then use that as a foundation to grow your adult life.

i'd like to think that i'm doing most of that... and i am, for the most part. these days i'm focusing on respecting myself as i learn about myself.

and what i'm learning about myself? seems like it's been the same things every day:

• i have the ability to walk away from something that's not what i want, even if it's healthy and amazing. i respect myself for being courageous. 
• i need to experience both romance and intimacy in the context of a relationship. i respect myself for this new understanding.
• i'm pretty good at communicating in the context of a romantic relationship. i respect myself for working so hard and making this a priority.
• i've put some serious work into learning about forgiveness and it's proven to change my perspective over time. i respect myself for giving and receiving second chances.
• i am emotionally and mentally stronger than i've ever been before. i respect myself for committing to strengthening myself.
• i am capable of functioning with honesty and integrity in an adult, romantic relationship. i respect myself for being vulnerable.

and through all of this i'll continue to take really big, deep breaths.

my prayers lately.

i've learned recently that i have a bit of a sweet tooth when i'm sad. i've heard some people call this emotional eating. regardless of what it is, fresh made rice krispy treats are my weakness. hot cookie, molly stones- whoever is selling them- i am there. giving them my money like they're the newest charles schwab branch.

recently i've been whispering this prayer to myself: Lord, guide my decisions and bring me peace. and now that some decisions have been made, i'm asking God to help me stop eating rice krispy treats.

last night, while eating a rice krispy treat, i tried to make an angel food cake, except my bundt pan was too small and my batter was too big and now there is burnt marshmallow all over my oven. i guess this is indicative of how i feel: like a hot mess, all spread out, feelings too big for a heart this small.

and this is what i hope to remember in this moment: that as i feel these very real feelings and sit in this heavy sadness, i can continue to give and love and experience joy throughout the pain of transition.

why women still can't have it all

this article in the atlantic has been really fascinating...

"ultimately, it is society that must change, coming to value choices to put family ahead of work just as much as those to put work ahead of family. if we really valued those choices, we would value the people who make them; if we valued the people who make them, we would do everything possible to hire and retain them; if we did everything possible to allow them to combine work and family equally over time, then the choices would get a lot easier."

read it.

lots of things come in threes...

for example:

tennis balls

stoplights
triplets
french hens
an emu’s toes
microsoft word/excel education licenses
blind mice
monkeys (hear no, speak no, see no)
r’s (reading, writing, arithmetic)
musketeers
power puff girls
terrible hollywood trilogies (twilight, for example)

good hollywood trilogies (lord of the rings, for example)

men in a tub

God (father, son, holy spirit)

amigos

stooges

wise men

being green (reduce, reuse, recycle)

donald duck’s nephews (huey, dewey and louie)

years i've devoted to working at my current agency

i cannot believe it's been three years today (though, we say the translation is more like dog years- twentyone years, really). i'm going to simplify my feelings by naming the fact that i sure have learned and grown a lot. a lot.

my bicycle christening.

i'm getting rid of my car in a week and this means i'll be relying on my legs like i never have before. walking, biking, running... whatever it takes. don't give me any credit for the switch; this has nothing to do with the environment or my own health or any of the other fabulous reasons people choose to walk/bike over drive... this is simply a financial decision and my lease is up. it should be... interesting. my goal is to try it out for six months- november twentyninth to be exact.

so last night i was practicing on my roommate's bike (yes, i need practice cycling around the city) and let me tell you about the muni tracks, those little bitches. i was already nervous because i was (one) on my roommate's bike which doesn't fit me and has super wonky and old school gears and (two) i'm usually the car who almost hits the bikers, not the biker who avoids the cars. you could say i had some anxiety during my practice session.

this is where the story gets exciting: literally one block from my house... i fell. over my handle bars and through the woods to grandmother's house we go -or- just over the handle bars and on the ground, with numb palms and bloodied and bruised legs to follow. good thing i was with my super-biking-hipster-friend-stephan, who was a champ and took care of me while trying to hold back his laughter while i tried to disguise my pain. and shame.

the strange thing is when people ask what happened to my hands and i tell them about falling on those little bitch muni tracks, everyone seems to have their own story of falling on those little bitch muni tracks, too. i guess this was just my bicycle christening?

here's to getting back on the saddle, just like my parents made me do when i got bucked off my horse at age nine. and here's to not giving up on cycling around san francisco. i sort of feel like i belong now that i've had my first fall.

wiggle, here i come!

get your text on.

thanks to michele, i watched a fabulous ted talk on texting that saves lives. you can watch it, too.

speaking of ted, my favorite fourteen year old cellist is performing at a stanford ted talk. get out.

mamaw's derby pie.

when walking around the bart station with a homemade pie, it's hard for people not to smile. they stare, too, but they mostly smile. it seems that a young woman carrying a derby pie on a late thursday afternoon invites strangers to sit nearer and ask questions: where are you going? fresh pie, my favorite... who are the lucky recipients? the kids across from me who are eating chips ahoy original chocolate chip cookies are jealous- they haven't had an unprocessed sweet treat in years. in fact, they report they've never had a slice of homemade pie.

and it made me think about how the art of using my hands in the kitchen has been suspended in practice as of late. what a shame. there is so much joy, so much conversation, that comes from the beauty of baking... sweet or savory, it doesn't matter. creaming butter and sugar and adding bourbon and walnuts and chocolate chips to create someone else's mamaw's derby pie... it is so worth it, even if it doesn't turn out just "right." because it meant i received one-more-than-normal smile.

sometimes i crave this stranger's smile as it quickly reminds me of human existence.