have you ever had an apriocot?

Sitting on airplanes next to people can mean a few different things, or at least this has been my experience. I can be in the (A) I don't want to talk to you mood, let me do my own thing, please. (B) I can be in the friendly, a few words can be shared mood. Or (C) I can be in the let's get to know each other, I want a new friend mood, you're cool. Very rarely am I in the option C mood. Its possible that I am in that mood right now though, and I am unsure why. Is it because the adorable baby diagonal from my airplane partner can't stop staring at him? She is so cute, you know the kind of baby that has the high pony tail on top of her head so that it sticks straight up, kind of like the spout on a whale. .... Elapsed time of an hour.... he works and lives in SB, he's flying to Portland and then down to Eureka where he is getting a million dollars for his company in order to help save the fish. No joke. Fish. I love environmental people. And then he said the dreaded G word at some point in the conversation. Actually he said it TWICE. Thanks, James. That's his name. (The G word is Girlfriend). That's unfortunate. Ten minutes to landing. I can't wait to hang out with Lisa. And Chase. Portland, HERE I COME!!!

(in reference to my question above, my answer is no. lisa gave me my first one. mmmmmmm.)

weekend in s.f.

This past Thursday I flew home. I love Southwest; I got on a flight 2 hours early and paid nothing. Brilliant.

The first event of the weekend was a family BBQ; so fun to swim, eat, and laugh with family. Everybody had questions about Gavin; he was choosing to go to the wedding- I was so grateful for that; he loves to be around his (step) family. After the BBQ, I drove into the city to see Matt Warren and Dillon Moffatt, and with the duo I found Andrew McGregor, Chris Osborne, and Dan Quon. Dillon, Matt, and I went out to dinner and we quickly went through the small talk straight into good conversation. I was blessed by Matt and Dillon's thoughts and opinions, especially as they unknowingly gave advice to me as a recent alum and for my interview that was the next day. Over dinner we discussed our own experiences on the Urban program. Also, Matt brought up facebook and how it is cool to be a Westmont student and to be "liberal" or "moderate." He thinks that Westmont breeds a type of socialism but then once you leave, you are forced to live out your opinions and beliefs on your own, leaving you with out a community to guide you and no one to impress. So really, his question came down to this: "If I really believe in these things (something as small as recycling), then how do I become the type of person who recycles or ____ (fill in the blank) in 30 years? How do we become people of service and not let that die out after 1 year of leaving Westmont? All of this, of course, made me think to the things that I so strongly believe in (or at least the things I talked about in my 4 years at Westmont) and the bummer part is that I have been out for 7 months and well, I haven't done anything proactive regarding the things that I "care" about. Interesting. Time for change. I need to be in a place that forces me to think, be proactive, and really live out what I believe. Because, after all, what I say I believe isn't what I believe, what I do is what I believe.

I interviewed on Friday morning; two hours late, I felt pretty successful. There weren't any questions that I stumbled across and didn't know the answer to; I was satisfied and felt like the real "me" came across to them clearly. It was a wonderful feeling to hear Brad, a Professor on the program, say at the end of the interview that he is so impressed with how far I've come and where I'm going, and that he could be a part of my story. And that's just it.... Urban is a huge part of my Westmont story. Urban led to 061 which led to being an RA, and of course meeting a ton of effective people along the way. I am so grateful for that semester. In the end, if I don't get the job, I am so glad I remember the way that program changed, molded and helped me discover more about myself.

The wedding. Maybe not the fanciest wedding, definitely a low-budget, but man, did I have a good time. No friends to catch up with and update about my life, just me and my family. So good to see cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, brothers' wives/girlfriends, parents, grandparents, step-siblings (especially!), etc. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the wedding and was fully present with my surroundings. The food was amazing, the music was great, the dancing was phenomenal... a totally memorable event. Also, I caught the bouquet. Hoooo freaking ray. Actually I think my new sister threw it to me on purpose. I enjoyed receiving it. The thought totally crossed my mind: maybe I won't be single forever. Okay, that's honesty/vulnerability at its best coming from the girl who preaches from the land of being single where not everyone gets married.

Pictures to come at a later date.

am i an internet whore?

okay so there happens to be this guy that works at the same place that i do and i happen to think he's pretty (damn) cute. we flirt, but he totally initiates it. so then i went all out and emailed him and now we are having a conversation through email. yikes. lori says, "let's think about this...it is like being in a chat room right now or instant messaging. gross, you're an internet whore"

sean said something so funny...

"did you fall asleep during the movie, katz?"
"yeah, i don't know why i'm so tired...i'm such a dork, i have to go to bed (10:05pm)"
"you're not a dork- i'm tired too"
"why are you tired?"
"you don't understand, katz, i'm old. (he's 20) twenty is like the new forty"
haha. i guess you had to be there. cause then i found a twenty dollar bill on the ground.


no news on the family. waiting for a call from someone.

i go home this weekend. it will be good to sit with my mom.

i want to bring kiki back. just look at her. damn cute.

What is a Psychotic Break?

There are several states of mind..."normal", meaning consistent over time and situations; "disorganized", meaning a little scattered, unfocused, fragmented; "disturbed", meaning a state of mind leading to behavior that is socially unacceptable and potentially harmful to self and others; "disordered", meaning a display of clinically definable and diagnosable symptoms that are clustered under one primary heading (Depression, Borderline, Kleptomania, etc.); and "dissociated", meaning a collapse of the "ego integrity", a state of mind where the person is unsure of who they are, where they are, what they are doing and how they should be behaving - a pervasive and overall loss of "identity" and "sense-of-self".

The last, "dissociation" is generally considered a "psychotic break". In other words, a person is so overwhelmed by either internal or external turmoil that what we generally think of their "ego" just plain collapses.

Apparently psychotic breaks are common in young men 20-23 within high achieving families. He fits the profile. He isn't responding to the medication and he is throwing his food across the room.

This isn't him. He is incredible; straight-A's at Cal Poly, Electrical Engineering major, never done drugs, doesn't drink, has his black belt, runs marathons, cares about the environment, etc. etc. Will he ever be the same?

He is hearing voices.

I don't know how to feel. Pray for my family. Especially my step-dad who can't sleep or stop crying. Also that the judge (tomorrow) shows mercy and we can move him to Northern CA and that we get the letter from the doctor in Northern CA saying they can handle him. Pray for a diagnosis. Pray. . . .