it's time to own a few things.

when i started this blog it was because i was studying abroad in florence and i didn't want to send people a mass email; i'd hoped they'd come to the blog on their own instead of getting another lengthy item in their inbox that they'd likely never read. after coming back from florence i kept writing... since that time, all three of my brothers got married, i moved to san francisco, all of my niece and nephews were born, i worked at the urban house, went through grad school, moved five times, started my current job, lost myself-found myself again, ran two marathons and two halfs, attended and coordinated some weddings, learned a thing or two about growing up, giving, friendship, pain, love and humility. it's been seventyeight months of documenting my life.

it's hard for me to recall the exact moment when this space shifted from the things i was learning and thinking to cryptic and mysterious posts that could only be interpreted if you were in my inner-circle. the time period, however, is very clear: somewhere between starting my work at my current agency and my self-inflicted heart break. many factors contributed to this shift; becoming more serious about my career- especially as it relates to confidentiality, working to make this space anything but passive-aggressive, and wanting a sense of privacy while having an outlet to write. ultimately, this shift was one part intentional, two parts accidental.

i'm at a point where i'm trying to make some decisions about where this thing is going. over the years it's become less of a priority but it still holds a place in my heart where i'm able to document, write, and not forget. it's my piece of history on the internet. (dangerous, i'm sure, though my teenage dreams of running for public office don't so much line up with my late-twenties dreams.) i've thought about shutting it down but that seems silly since i once told myself i'd like to document my twenties and i'm more than two thirds done. but i'm pretty tired of hiding behind posts which often don't make sense to people and are really just about the latest drama that's dictating my feelings. this is mostly because i don't have a strong dimmer switch; i want to tell you everything or i want to tell you nothing. you could say boundaries are sometimes hard for me. but here's the truth: i want to go back to stories from the day and learning from those around me and experiences and dreams and dialogue and thoughts and ideas that aren't fully formed, but where i feel safe enough to show you... you, the world of my biggest fans, my biggest critics (mostly me), stalkers and old friends and people i don't even know. but none of this is for you... this is for me. this is because twothousand and twelve is a year of renewal and honesty and taking care of myself. it's a year of showing up for me- the organized, reliable, judgmental, thoughtful, sometimes tactless, smart woman that i am.

i'm not sure what all this means... i had the thought that i should write it down here, sharing with you in order to have some accountability. so i guess that's what i'm doing. owning that there's been some change over time, i'm not super satisfied with it, but it was what it was, and now i'm hoping for something different. and if every time i sit down to write and the same types of posts come out as the last couple years, there will probably be longer gaps between each published post. i'm okay with that for now.

i'm looking forward to what's next.