rejection sucks.

this isn't some sappy post about how i was rejected by some cute boy that i met at some rad coffee shop. nope. none of that. this is about being rejected from jobs. i feel like i've always been prepared for success, but never for rejection. this feeling sucks. you're not good enough. you don't have the skills we need. you suck you suck you suck you suck.

i was rejected by a nanny agency. a nanny agency. i love kids. ask sam, he loves me back. blah blah blah. whatever the case, i didn't have enough experience. janelle and anna will be laughing to find out i applied at a nanny agency.

i was rejected by the taproot foundation for not having the skills they needed. the girl was so awkward on the phone, i felt bad for her. these were the skills they wanted: organized and detail oriented. good communication skills. ability to consistently meet deadlines. professional demeanor. check, check, check and check. ask michele, she knows. i can do all of those things. that was the job i wanted. it was a program and event assistant. oh well.

it's weird how when i heard the "you aren't what we're looking for" words over the phone, they didn't get to me until later in the evening when a group of us faithful "lost" watchers, ditched three of us to watch. it's just a tv show, emily, just a tv show. i know, but damnit i'm all about loyalty and not leaving anyone behind. okay, maybe that's not always true, but that's how i was feeling as a result from my rejection.

this is a really negative post. forgive me. i keep seeing this theme of "let it go" in my life. you'd think i'd listen. from meredith grey to people in the house to my family, i keep hearing "let it go." now, only if i could listen.

good news: i have an interview at nordstroms in the handbag department. the funny part is that i hate handbags and all that those types of handbags stand for. why am i doing this? oh yes, i remember: bills to pay. i love being an adult. maybe this isn't good news.

i am applying to the usf program for sure. excited.

my mood: confused and quiet.

my friend's dad committed suicide yesterday. so many questions. i miss visalia. i talked to chelsea for a long time today; we talked about the appropriate response. she got to hang out with our friend; she says he looks tired but doesn't want to be alone. he wants to talk about it, too. i feel quite disconnected. my brother and chelsea call often, so that helps.

i am thinking more about usf's counseling program. january?

know that i probably won't be answering my phone tomorrow. it's nothing against you, i promise. hey, speaking of phones, i got a phone in my room! i feel really independent. call me 415-447-0959.

jamie is downloading project runway right now; i'm excited! down to the final three. my prediction: michael, jeffrey & uli. also on the tv show front: don't ever watch lost. you will get sucked into a creepy and unrealistic show that is pretty bizarre. you know i'm bored when i write about tv shows.

today i had coffee with rusty springer. rusty used to run the urban program and before that she did jane higa's job. if you think jane is cool, you should meet rusty. it is good to meet with someone who is not a part of the current program but knows the program. i have so much to learn from her.

got a great card in the mail: a dual birthday and thank you note. thanks, b.

i am going to see phoenix on saturday with dillon and trent. then i will see teitur on oct 2. sufjan on oct 10. dbj!

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-played kickball in the park: so fun
-still no job (!) applied at nordstrom's
-thinking about grad school: usf- master's in counseling program (mft)
-maybe i'll go in january?
-urban staff (all but me) at westmont to promote the program
-going to get kiki to come stay at the house for a little while
-was a part of someone's first time being in confrontation: went well
-the house is going to see chicago, the musical: excited!
-going to a "phoenix" concert on sat with dillon, trent, and maybe kim
-i've watched too much "lost" i think i'm getting an ulcer

jim, jobs and john

Tonight a group of us went to Berkeley to hear Jim Wallis speak for free (Jim is the author of God's Politics and also the co-editor of Sojourners magazine). It was "good" (I use good because my vocabulary is too small and I am too lazy to think of another adjective); I wish he spoke longer and knew his audience better... we were in Berkeley, and he could have gotten deeper into his thoughts- it seemed like he just brushed over topics.

I kept having this thought: "Yes, Jim, I agree! I agree!" Then my mind would quiet as I was thinking about what he was saying and these feelings came over me... guilt, embarassment... I started to feel bad about agreeing with Jim. I felt like I was doing something wrong for agreeing that peace and conflict resolution are good while war is bad. Then I started to wonder, why am I feeling these things? Where did this come from? Why did it take me so long to change my political status to independent? Have I been brainwashed? Why? Who did this to me? Was it my parents? My family? My hometown of Visalia? The Church? Who? It's like someone told me that in order to be a Christian you need to be a Republican, though you probably can be a Republican with out being a Christian. Then I started to wonder, how many people out there are "Republican" or believe a few things that Republicans believe because at some point someone told them the Republican = Christian? I am certainly guilty. It has been so engrained in me that I feel bad about peace and conflict resolution! How do I get out of this? Do you have any suggestions, because I certainly need anything I can get....? (Email me)

I am starting to ignore my September 15th rule about finding a job....I'm not ready to give up yet. I have applied to 7 different places and 2 have confirmed that they've received my resume and cover letter, so hopefully I get an interview. I'll keep you posted.

Life in the house is great... tonight we are off to a Giant's game... and this weekend we are going to a Cal football game. Love it.

September 12th marks John Mayer's new CD release and something new is coming out in the Apple world... so I am off to visit Dillon at work and check into Steve Job's new product.

back to the place i love... san francisco!

slowly i am adjusting (back) to life in the city... cold weather, using public transportation, living with students, etc. the best news: i have an amazing room, with a view of eucalyptus trees in golden gate park, a fire place, and french double doors to my bathroom. my patio has twinkle lights and plants that i get to water every day.

i am really liking not being in school for now, but i need a job. i have put my resume out at random places, but if i don't find anything by september 15, i will be knocking on the nordstrom's door. pray that i get a job soon.

side note: the reality of leaving santa barbara and probably never going back (for good) is starting to slowly creep in and attack my heart, causing me to be overwhelmed with sadness at random times.

...i went to a church on sunday. it was alright. but i shouldn't just go once before i decide not to go. a lot of the people at the church were in their late twenties/early thirties and focused on their careers (and porsches). it seems like there aren't very many people my age, unless they are panhandling on haight street.

anyway, happy labor day...