my birthday was last wednesday.

threehundred and sixtyfour days prior to my birthday, all i wanted was to be twentysix. i am so happy to be here now-- it means a lot, but it's mostly just symbolic of not being right in the middle, in the middle of a pile of shit.

there are a few reasons why twentyfive was awful, maybe even the worst year in my life: i was tired last year... growth and grieving and tears were overall good for me, but my exhaustion was high and my strength was low. i wanted so badly for things to go my way, to be in control, to be loved the way i needed. but instead i ended up with many long conversations that concluded with a "it's-gonna-be-alright-one-day-but-not-today" hug, promises made to myself which i consistently broke, and me facing rejection on a daily basis.

and on my twentysixth birthday, when i read the following words from my friend julie l.... "dear emily, i hope for a day of simple pleasures, that make you feel loved and celebrated. i hope for a year full of times to pursue old hobbies and opportunities for new adventures, for relationships that bring joy and a deeper sense of what you know and love."....i felt redeemed. because i received just that-- simple pleasures that helped me feel loved and celebrated: dynamo donuts, fresh flowers, a low tannin wine, pulled pork and hard cider, a cake catastrophe that was delicious, and people i know and care about sitting together on the same grass while breaking bread. it was perfect (minus the part where they sing happy birthday and everyone looks at me). it's like the moments we celebrated my birthday made up for the entire last year.

and so here i am, five days into being twentysix, learning more about letting it go (or l.i.g. as we referred to it in greece), getting closer to the escape, striving to surround myself with those who love me while allowing me to care deeply for them, and turning toward a good God who reminds me of the importance of community. and i'm grateful, more so than i've felt in a long time: fresh starts feel so good.

even years are always better than odd, always.