i'll be alone with you.

i've been trying to reflect on my experience of sufjan's tuesday night show in oakland; the reality that i witnessed a true musical genius is repeating in my head. what this man can do with instruments and sound and movement is awe inspiring. i literally had my mouth open for long moments, shocked by the beautiful and surprising noise.

prior to the show, i talked a lot with suf's biggest crusher about lowering our expectations in order to not be bummed-- bummed that there would be few songs from seven swans and tons from age of adz. we secretly hoped that after the costume and dance performance was over he would tip toe back on stage during our roaring encore and sing those lyrics, the ones that have brought us closer to our Creator and provided understanding for our deep feelings of love and insecurity, shame and joy. during the twothousand and five show he did it, he played all of them for me. but this was five years later, things are different! i am different, sufjan is different.

and then... it happened: to be alone with you was the second song of the encore. up to this point he hadn't played it during his whole tour. i was mesmerized during the short two minutes and forty four seconds; my tears formed and dropped and the theme of feeling alive, present and well returned to not just my thoughts but the sensation overcame my body. this was my peace.

he ended the encore with the eerie song that is john wayne gacy, jr. the story so disturbing, the ending so real: "and in my best behavior, i am just like him. look beneath the floorboards for the secrets i have hid."

the night's playlist for those who want re-create:

uniquely san francisco.

coming home from the sufjan concert last night we witnessed this, three gorillas in jail jump suits on muni:





















delighted by our city hall, lit up orange:

lions and tigers and...

some eleven hours north of me, baby bear was born almost three months ago. lucky me, i got to relax and babysit with the mellow family; it was a wonderful three days, even in our attempts to make dinner and decisions together.

miss you and your encouraging love already.

there's always going to be something better out there.

and there's always going to be something worse. it just depends on your lens, right?

there are these moments when i really feel alive.

i'm thinking of two specific instances, both from this weekend.

the first is when i ran fifteen miles on saturday*; every foot to pavement interaction combined with reminding myself that i can do this helped me to feel present, alive. i took my time, didn't push too hard, and focused on my hips and knees, keeping them moving in the same direction. the way i count my breaths reminded me that i am, indeed, living. going. moving.

and the second is when i rested my left hand on my chest, just below my clavicle, skin to skin. my heartbeat could be felt through my forearm and even though my fingertips felt foreign resting on this place, it was natural at the same time. i nestled into this position when the weepies played "nobody knows me" as their encore song last night. i took a deep breath and firmly believed that i could die happy because this was my favorite song and the weepies' lyrics have gotten me through most of my twenties. my soul was alive.

so now i'm here, working on who i'm supposed to be, trying to worry about my process instead of my content.


*props to c&c for running and biking with me. all stars.

important parts of this week.

started the run portion off with a little caitlin in my step.
finished my fundraising! ! !
found an apartment. to move into. kyle won't be living on the couch.
dynamo love and a whole lotta heart from julie.
love is in the air. and brain tumors and taxi drivers.
sk-80s at work. mid week sleepover with the girls.
four-way call with the sibs.
my cousin left the hospital.
c&c are in town!
said goodbye to my kid with the most potential.
started behind-the-mirror training.
preppin' for fifteen miles.

totally present and in this. in it to win it.

waiting for who?!

the other day as i was driving, gubernatorial candidate meg whitman's voice came on the radio telling me i should go see the movie waiting for superman. i was waiting for a "that's why i'm running for governor" statement but it never came. she really wants me to go see the movie! and so do most of my teacher friends. add in my love for documentaries and this film jumped to the top of my to-see-soon list.

and then i read my dear friend sarah's blog this morning. sarah is in a masters/credential program focusing on urban education and she has an interesting perspective and i'm really looking forward to her posts dissecting the movie. food for thought, if you're interested.

personally, i don't have an opinion, nor do i believe i'm informed enough to offer unsolicited advice on this matter (though we all know i could make something up). what i do have an opinion on, however, is the upcoming election. my voting guide arrived in the mail last week and i about wet my pants with excitement. time to start studying! time to excercise my rights! get with it, people, you've got twentytwo days!

who needs homecoming...

...when you can have a westmont wedding?!

sean and court wed this saturday and it was all around wonderful. fresh pie, perfect carmel weather, an incredible venue, tattoos, a non-stop dance party and a completely relaxed bride and groom. that combination seems to make my job ten times easier.

my favorite part of their story is that their grandparents have been friends for over fifty years and set them up. stop it!

there's something in the air.

the giants are in the playoffs and san francisco is walking around happier. there's more orange and black being worn and people are just a bit more chipper. i know people who are wearing baseball hats with the infamous sf on their head and others who are in the standing zone at the game just to witness the madness.

now, i am not a giants fan, but i'm certainly not a hater. this is fun and the energy around here makes me want to bandwagon just a little bit.

spoken like a true deflector.

my dear friend abbey and i were on the phone today. she kept asking me hard questions and i kept changing the subject. at first i was doing it because i didn't know the answers to her questions and then i was doing it because i knew the answers and i was utterly embarrassed to actually say them out loud. the topic of the questions and answers is neither here nor there, but i stopped us in the middle of the conversation.

me: i am the ultimate deflector. i don't ever want to talk about me and go into details and i constantly want to change the subject. and you know what? you do the exact same thing. it's because we're like meredith and christina. we are crazy. and out of control.

abbey: ya, so, what's your point?

me: let's try something new. what if everytime we wanted to change the subject we had to say, "i'm changing the subject now." just so we can be consciously aware of how much we do this.

abbey: done. this is going to be hilarious as one third of our words to each other will now be the exact same sentence.

and so we tried it for the rest of the conversation. bringing light to the fact that we get uncomfortable and we try to run and avoid and run some more. this is true cognitive behavioral therapy at work, people. it's all about the baby steps.

sometimes it's okay to feel like this.

by kate pugsley.