goodbye, 2010.

i started the year at the sugar shack. nick came to visit. i did a gluten-dairy-sugar fast. i went back to the sugar shack for the tyrolean feast. and then i went back to tahoe with the yutes. julie and i turned wednesdays into a dynamo ritual. i visited kristy in seattle before she moved. i learned how to make truffles. i went to the jelly belly factory. i spent valentine's day at the pillow fight. santa cruz church retreat with the yutes. the olympics! community group retreat at the sugar shack. i said goodbye to my favorite eight year old. julie and i went to kauai. i filled out my census form. i got braces. we found roommate number two at a san francisco emergency room. i ate a lot of cheese at dan and kimberly's. i searched and i searched and i searched for his dad, only to find out that he doesn't exist. o-chem-jim left martin's to become a priest. we talked about breathing a lot in the month of april. easter in yosemite, third annual for me. i was reminded that i've failed, i'm selfish, i'm jealous, i'm judgmental, and i consistently forget how to love the people around me. i made a quick trip to arizona for jeremiah's wedding. i named, out loud, my five friendship crushes: kimberly, diane, cait, lana and the boss; i became friends with all five of them. i rescued a turtle in kauai with becky and amy. i wrote a lot of cryptic blog posts about my grief and loss. i faced a lot of shit head on, asked for help and admitted my failures and heart ache. on may twelfth i put my running shoes back on. i went to modesto for lisa's baby shower. i visited eden in la la land. i got to go to kqed in person. i supported my best friend as she accepted her doctorate. i got to be a part of kristy and alex's wedding. i got to meet one of the leading trauma therapists in the world and soak up her knowledge like a sponge. i took a stanford series of classes on forgiveness. my nephews turned three. i voted. i coordinated for james/lis, hahva/kiff, sean/court. i had my one year anniversary at my agency and i was eotm. i learned on three different occasions that tequila gets me good, every time. i helped house sit through a breakup. i saw james taylor and carole king with my mom. my sinking-whale-sibs-set learned to swim. i decided to train for a marathon. baby bear was born. i did a four mile run and cried through out the whole thing because i didn't think i could ever make it to twentysix. i went on the trip-of-a-lifetime to greece and turkey, which included the poker-dealing-smiling-guy and "sister time" galore. i was incredibly grateful to turn twentysix, in which there was a birthday party with pulled pork and hard cider. the taxi driver became a real person. i learned about sticky peaches. carter and courtney helped me run fifteen miles. i restarted therapy. i saw the weepies! and sufjan! i went to portland and met bear. i voted again. nephew number four, cannon, was born. we searched and searched and finally found the perfect apartment. the giants won the world series. i ran eighteen miles and then we moved. i closed a lot of my favorite cases. i ran twenty miles. i got glasses and was told i have bad hips. i named my grief/loss period coming to a close and recognized true joy. i kissed the sunshine, a lot. i went on a blind date and five to follow with someone who was absolutely perfect for me on paper. i went back to hawaii, for the third time, and finished a marathon ! ! ! we threw the best house warming party EVER. i said yes to something really brave and scary.

goodbye two thousand and ten; it was a bittersweet year.

what's an agricole? i asked.

remember that space, emily, where you sat with a dear friend and together you shared the secrets and asked the questions related to growing up and learning about life and what it means to truly give. and remember that feeling when you knew you could hold each others' weight right then and there, the weight of the darkness, the honesty, the freedom; the weight of the questions, which just saying them out loud can make things more complicated... but i've got her, and she's got me. we are safe together, as women who are navigating this precarious thing titled life. it's moments like these which translate to a hearty-amen because moving on provides freedom. or, sometimes it just means a planned trip to walgreens.

i hope to go back to that modern bar with you, the one where part of me feels like i'm in chem lab and the other part feels satisfied by the salt from the prosciutto.

thank you.

should.

my friend leanne has said to me more recently, "quit shoulding yourself."

and so that's what i'm committing to these days: stopping myself from over thinking and wondering and asking myself if i should do something, rather than just doing it.

instead i'm saying no to games and overthinking and questioning. and i'm saying yes to jumping off the diving board into the pool full of scary and brave. oh shit.

running without my watch.

there's something symbolic about taking off down my stairs and out the front door without my garmin on. it's almost like the freedom to just be in my run. there's no constantly looking down, pace checking, and eyeing my distance. i get to be free of training for a marathon. how nice.

best best best.

holiday housewarming party of two thousand and ten was a week ago at my house. lucky for me: i got to be the queen.

we had a photo booth...

useful logs.

this is why i love san francisco... it's perfectly unique.



[found across the street from julie's apartment]

twentysix miles in twentysix years.

done and done. and there was something symbolic about miles twentyone through twentyfour. the hardest ones, by far. it's interesting that those miles measure up with my post-college-try-to-figure-out-what-i-want-in-life years. though, it's not like miles twentyfive and twentysix got any easier... and if that isn't a life message, i don't know what is: this race, this thing we call life, it's not getting any easier as we keep running. sure, it becomes more familiar and we learn more about how to run and become an expert at running. but easier? never.

anyway. the marathon is over. i'm pain free and excited to set the next goal. thanks for putting up with my running stories and journeying with me to december twelfth.

twelve hours to go.

the following items made it from san francisco to honlulu: lulu pants. special socks. well worn new balances. lucky underwear. purple tank. body glide. nike hat. most comfortable sports bra ever. garmin watch. hair tie. lots and lots of gu.

the following items did not make it from san francisco to honolulu: tooth brush. more than one pair of shoes. appropriate hawaiian attire.

clearly i did not have a successful packing experience; i guess you could say i've been a bit preoccupied?

REGARDLESS! it's go-time, people. no looking back now. i've trained and there's nothing more i can do to prepare. see you on the other side of twentysix point two miles!

the problem with [over] sharing [your own] secrets.

is that people want updates. sometimes this is good, if you have good news, for example. and sometimes it's just annoying.

but who is to blame? only me. lesson learned.

in the single digits.

less than ten days to go. holy smokes.

in my last days, i've said no to alcohol in hopes of not hitting the wall. my metabolism is out of control (as evidenced by my food intake yesterday). my taper includes the lovely lollipop run. my water consumption causes me to step out of meetings two to three times, at least. i'm diligently following my physical therapist's instructions and i have every intention of eating more carbs than i can count in those final seventy two hours.

and while in honolulu? i'll be in the shade with my feet resting on a chair, laughing my ass off with didiwifi: "are we really doing this? whose idea was this?"