appreciating the simple moments.

like when i travel to santa barbara to celebrate becky's singleness coming to a close. not a dry in the house; she's a beautiful example of one who loves well. or getting less than thirty minutes with the jordans; speed updates and an uneven trade for boots the dog. and hugging someone in the midst of her grief, celebrating a life gone for six months; reminding her that she's not alone. exchanging stories with laura over cheap sushi and peel-less oranges. figuring out if the salty dog chocolate treat is for dogs or humans. and listening to lana eloquently love me, reminding me of who i am and who i get to become.

this week is absolutely out of control; i'm grateful for these moments in the midst of being paralyzed by my overwhelm.

i wonder where your prego jar is.

every thursday morning john would walk in with his prego jar- he'd drop it off to get washed and it'd get passed to me; i'd fill it up and pass it back to him. he'd hold the lid and no matter what the consistency or temperature or age of the oatmeal, john never complained.

my dear friend peter was a bit off during our morning shift yesterday. he said something like, "we come here week after week and serve and laugh and tease each other and drink tea after cleaning the bathrooms. we do it so often that it's become routine. we've become numb to the reality that it's really cold outside today. and it's raining. and there's a lot of Crazy around here. and deep, deep brokenness. and things aren't right because john is gone."

i found out john died of cancer right before the new year. john had snow colored hair and tan leathery skin from his many cigarettes. and he had a soothing voice, so quiet. always pleasant, even in the last days that i saw him, limping from one end of the room to the other.

it's hard to shake this sense of sadness.

when in doubt.

love well.

i've been holding this concept close to my heart more recently. fighting hard and not quitting, demanding respect and care from all, giving a little bit more to each of my relationships.

i think loving well includes, but is not limited to:
talking, even if it means saying, "i'm not in the mood to share."
staying up to hear the details because they're excited to share.
writing that email, the one that says you can do it, i believe in you.
remembering to ask about the details.
helping those who don't ask for help.
everything from romans twelve, nine through twentyone.
listening to the compliment and owning it.
trusting the words, the process and your gut.
showing up three years in a row: consistency.
learning what you need.

patty says:
"if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it don't come easy"

this morning i woke up with "eye of the tiger" in my head.

that was a fun/ny experience.

busy with rain and supervising and writing and surfwatching and running and not gushing and taking really deep breaths.

chuck quoted this four days ago.

from mumford and sons:

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

and i liked it.


[photo from wine night. reminded me of love.]

today it was seventyfive degrees. in february.

sometimes you have these life moments where everything feels right on the inside but off to those on the outside; it usually means you get an "are you alright?" text.

yes, i am okay. even though i'm in the middle of asking hard questions to the ones who know me and support me and want what's good for me, everything feels right. my best friend in the entire world, the one who has never judged and always loved, fell in love with someone and now she has a ring on her finger. and then faith hill came on the radio and every high school memory of loving country music with that best friend came fading back and the tears welled up as i wrapped asher's present and my nails were freshly painted (you-don't-know-jaques-suede!) and a martin's potluck was had and an accidental conversation with starchild occurred.

i'm alright. not sure what i did that made you ask, but yes, everything is okay.

i was going to end here. but i have more to write, more to remember.

the voice inside my head said, "emily. everything is more than okay." and i responded: "that's true; i have a lot of joy." abbey reminds me to "just let it happen and be in the moment." i scream to kyle and he laughs at me, every time. and kimberly and i witnessed some of the best singing and video-ing dan and diane have to offer. i'm loving my job transition and i have a new nephew and i have money to pay for the dry cleaning i need to get done. i have a bit of knee pain but i know how to manage and strengthen. i'm almost done wearing braces and the little people in my life call me aunty em. i'm actively investing into friendships that are life giving. i'm more than loving my family, i'm liking them. i'm exercising my better self, and that sometimes means i get the above text, and that's okay, too.

the sun was shining in san francisco and this kid is alright.

things said to me recently.

"i've got a cat that can sneeze louder than you."
"emily, you look like you've lost fifty pounds." [wasn't sure how to respond to that one.]
"are you sure they're giving you the promotion?"
"is it really your nephew if he's not related to you?" [courtney, deep breath. i know, i know.]

couldn't help but tilt my head and smile. grace, grace for all.

"i prayed over every pair of your underwear!"

while hiking this weekend i was let in on a little bit of a secret-- my mother, the super spiritual woman that she is, loves to fold laundry. loves loves loves it. i think it's the repetitive nature? anyway, she revealed that when she'd fold our family's laundry, she'd pray over every pair of our underwear. [WHAT? get out. every pair.]

i don't know what she was praying for and i don't know if the prayers were answered, but this information melted my heart just a little bit. not sure if it's the endearing prayers of my mother or thinking of my now nephews/niece and my brothers' marriages. regardless, it made me happy and i want to remember it.

i've been having these moments of joy recently.

they've included:
-re-watching some of the videos didi and i made during the marathon weekend.
-drinking wine, by myself, in part celebrating what's to come and in part finishing the day's work.
-burning my forearm while baking bread; scar number four. hurt so bad but a good reminder of how bread tastes so delicious.
-goldfish kisses and deep breaths.
-facetiming with c&c and asher, teary eyed and laughing because being part of a family defines itself, regardless of whose womb we exit.
-dinner parties with spinach and zucchini soup, swedish green peppercorn chicken, roasted asparagus and twice baked sweet potatoes.
-law and order svu on instant netflix in an empty house.
-my secret labor of love that is no where near to being finished. (a special package coming to one of you!)