this is my year, it really is.

it's been one hell of a year, or at least three hundred and sixtyfour days.

i went to greece and turkey. i dated someone who was absolutely perfect for me on paper but that's where things ended. i ran a marathon in eightyone degree heat/sixtynine percent humidity. i got a promotion at work. i dated someone who broke my heart; we both didn't tell the whole truth but i ended it because i didn't demand love or respect. one of my dear friends got misdiagnosed with a terminal illness. i ran another marathon and pr'd by an hour. my dad got sick- the kind of sick where you spend time reflecting on the time you might have left together. i said no to keeping connections with people who increased my anxiety. i went to alaska and fell in love with my niece and nephews all over again. i started working a lot. my mft hours got approved. i thought a lot about forgiveness and how it looks. i started therapy again.

i don't know if it's this year in particular or if it's every year as i get older, but wow, this last birthday cycle has been full of extreme feelings.

thankfully, though, i learned some stuff.

the most helpful decision i made in the last four seasons was to ask for help... to admit that i can't do it all, to admit that i am wrong, to admit that i wasn't honest, to admit that my heart is a little bit black. and in my practically pleading for help- what i perceived to be weakness in asking for it was actually brave and courageous and completely humiliating in the most beautiful way. you see, asking for help does not come easy for me... in fact, i don't often do it. somewhere along the way i became a yesperson who believed they could do it all while holding it all together. this year has been about taking risks and looking beyond my own selfishness and asking for what i needed-- knowing full well that the person on the receiving end of my question had their own freedom to not give me what i was asking for.

and though it's been rough around here, it's been the most beautiful and transformative process i've ever lived through. daily i'm saying yes to making peace with not getting what i want(ed), not denying my grief and taking responsibility all over again for my actions. my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. this life i live is pretty amazing; i am honored- this is my year.

happy birthday, self.