just a disclaimer.

i have fantastic roommates; the privilege of not just sharing a roof but sharing friendship is incredible; laughter and tears and moments that make my face so hot that i only know to utter expletives and i forget to breathe.

like that time tonight when you two left my number for the waiter. or when we misunderstood each other to the point that we revealed secrets and tips and tricks. or when you taught me the pain from love is worth it, if only because of the lessons learned. or when you pressured me to call that waiter, only to embarrass myself and say, "just a disclaimer."

i constantly appreciate the two of you. living in the mid twenties without you would just be awful.

friendship milestones.

you know you've come to a point in a friendship when someone comes to visit and just hanging out and being together is more important than entertaining each other with places and things. it happened the last time i visited anna in santa barbara and it happened with nick this weekend. of course we did fun things here and there. like drink mini beers with laura and zack. and go to wimberly's birthday party where i made this face. awesome.

news recaps.

the death penalty is a moral and practical failure.

talking on your cell phone will prevent alzheimer's! (i don't buy it.)

harry reid isn't resigning. note: if this were a republican who said this awful comment, s/he would have been fed to the wolves. let's be honest... the same rules don't apply and it's pretty embarrassing.

oh how i miss you, new years weekend.

me, deb, katie, maggie, meg, sarah and half of rachael. at the top of the mountain with champagne.. about to ski down with torches.

skiing down with torches.

dan, meg, maggie. clove smoke.

the entire crew:

part of the crew who enjoy double black diamonds. you will not find me in this photo.shout out to the alemans for making new years INCREDIBLE. yay julie! yay nathan!

the weight is lifting.

it's a strange feeling; sort of like the grief has taken a back seat. it's not completely gone but it's definitely not driving anymore.

i had an incredible experience last night where i heard something that encouraged a number of choices: crawl into bed and drain my tear ducts. utilize my defensive curiosity skills. fake it. or realize that i'm not surprised, it's totally expected and choose to walk away.

i'm making my clean getaway. grace and forgiveness are so close, i can taste it.

searching for motivation.

on monday talk of the nation hosted daniel pink, author of drive, a book about what motivates us. once hearing the interview, here's what i didn't do: i didn't think about what i teach my clients (the difference between needs and wants) and i didn't listen for my uncle's voice telling me that every bit counts when you're paying down school loans. so what did i do? totally bought the book. maybe it has something to do with my job and receiving a five dollar gift card to borders as a gift of appreciation for my "hard" work. (appreciation or insult, i thought?) or maybe i bought the book because i'm trying to figure out what motivates me. a typical christian says they are motivated by God and his kingdom. i can believe that. but GASP, a moment of truth: that's not me a hundred percent of the time. in fact, i'm not sure i could say it's me more than thirty three percent of the time. rather, i think my motivation comes from approval and God and fear and food and love and the privilege i have. but pink reports the three things that motivate us are autonomy, mastery and purpose. so on i go: the quest for the surprising truth about what motivates me.

unrelated side note: my goal is to be a bridesmaid once a year for at least the next ten years because i had SO much fun last year. thank you kristy for helping to fulfill my goal in two thousand ten. holllllllllllllllller! alex and kp are getting hitched! CAN'T WAIT

stuck stuck stuck.

in my head.

clean getaway by maria taylor:

I made my place by the door.
I didn't know what I was waiting for.
Felt just like home.
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures.
I could see across to the park.
And there were friends, they were laughing hard.
They looked just like my home.
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart.
He felt just like love.
Except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

the most fun christmas gift.

dress up barack and michelle magnets. who knew playing dress up with the first family would be so entertaining?

new years at the sugar shack.

skiing with a torch down the mountain. champagne toasts. dance parties. tears with meg. contemplative tasks (puzzles). skiing. delicious food. fire places. settlers. a text from lisa that made my world stop. the fish room. pearls of wisdom: yes yes yes yes yes yes. whispering discussions. dark four story houses with people running around with point finger knives. it all made for a perfect beginning to the new year.

hello, 2010.

no resolutions this year, just a continued commitment to self-care. because let's be honest, this work will deafen me so bad that i can't hear what that itty bitty voice inside me is yelling.

self care assisters:
better investigate my insecurities.
continue giving.
decrease my defensive curiosity.
take more photos.
protect my teeth.
love freely.