goodbye, 2009.

my year in review:

i went to the sugar shack. and to israel, in the middle of a war. i hit a person in a crosswalk. well, her suitcase. i saw wicked. i was completely overwhelmed in life. i went to tahoe with my family and brought the roommates. i worked with late age adults and at a pace program. i interviewed and got a job with kids. i started sharing what i'd learned about dementia. i traveled to chicago with my mom and we saw oprah. i saw some good movies like paper heart and away we go. i thought a lot about feeling exactly what i'm feeling. and giving "strong" people a break. i made bread. and i baked and baked and baked. but only until july. i met a grouch. i spent easter in yosemite, again. i got to be in julie and nathan's wedding. i worked at usf. i heard sam beam live, again. i said goodbye to dan. i said no more to my easy availability and you who freely takes. i threw the best three day birthday party. i voted in may. and november. lisa and chase came home. lisa came to visit. we swung on swings. i went sharking and the fish left the sea. we tried again in september and had success. i graduated with a masters degree and impaled myself. i made my own big girl car purchase. i had a very bad night on may twentyeighth. and redemption occurred on june eighteenth. i drank a lot of wine with five sixths of the informed ladies. kristy and alex came to visit, twice. i went to a few weddings: micah and cg, zack and laura, julie and nathan, brett and janelle, chris and tim. i rode in a hot air balloon. dwight talked to me. i realized that i love the contemplative tasks at martin's. i became not-the-youngest at martin's. i went camping in santa barbara with my family. i said goodbye to al; oh what a terrible day that was. aiden and maddy were born. miles arrived. i got officially licensed as an intern. barb died. i went to san diego for italian food. i became pretty good at the neutral face. i traveled to kansas city. i experienced true fear in november. we visited keith and leslie in napa. i joined yutes. i rode a trolley with the yutes. sean came to town. i went to the sugar shack, again. and i realized i have some intense allergies.

and that's normally where i end with these recaps. but this year has been different in all the years i've been writing on this thing so it calls for an addendum: two thousand nine can be separated into distinct halves... school / graduated. working for free / getting paid. joy / loss. but if there's one thing that was constant through the entire year, it was the wisdom and loyalty of three friends who prayed for me when i had no energy to pray for myself. these were friends who allowed me to question; what does it mean to be good enough? they reminded me to sit in my pain and not know the answers, caring for me as i consistently lost control and adjusted my expectations. and they held me when i realized it was about me and they reminded me when it wasn't. and if there's one life lesson that i am continuously reminding myself, it's that i can't change you; i can only change myself.

goodbye two thousand and nine; i'm indifferent toward leaving you.

i tried to make one of those lists.

but didn't get very far.

the best birthday gift: lesley's emailed video.
the best political quote: “Let’s cut to the chase. Let’s just do one amendment that deals with gay illegal immigrants who want abortions at Gitmo.” — Rep. Mike Quigley (D-Ill.), responding to the Republicans proposals during an Oversight Committee markup.
the best dinner: foreign cinema.

then i quit. because i haven't packed for tomorrow's ski trip.

almost time to say goodbye.

to two thousand and nine. year in review video by jibjab.

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christmas traditions.

it may not be the longest set of traditions, but whatever.

i always spend christmas eve night on the couch at my aunt and uncle's.

i always get woken up between six and seven to watch the opening of the presents.

i always go back to sleep after the commotion.

i always see a movie. and sit in the front row because we arrived late.

i always fill up on the most wonderful meal made by my uncle.

and i'm always grateful to be with my family.

my twentysixth christmas warmed my heart and fostered an even bigger sense of gratitude. making space for advent this season created a bigger purpose and more meaningful christmas, too.

made me laugh.

"i think you're going to get promoted one day. you're more organized than the container store!" said to me by abbey. on the day after our six month anniversary at our agency.

dinner seems more fun than shopping.

we postponed the third annual gingerbread house making party and spent the money on dinner at nopa. i suppose you could call the choice selfish or lazy, but i prefer delectable. i mean really, forty people with crappy candy treats or three bellies full of fresh and local cuisine paired perfectly with a pinot bianco? the latter. most definitely.

i have not completed my christmas shopping. in fact, i've purchased two of seven gifts. i'm currently a hot mess.

i learned to screen print.

if you ever come to san francisco and choose to stay awhile, workshop is worth your time.

don't wear an underwire bra.

that's what an attorney told me today. odd? not really. i was telling her that i'll be visiting a PRISON soon. and that was her advice for me. apparently the last time she visited a client in prison they made her remove her underwire bra and put on a janky ol' thing from THE BOX of gross non-underwire bras. made her.

i think i'll take her advice since i'm going to PRISON. for a visit. because occasionally when you can't find kids' family in the community, you find them in the prison. and BAM. you have a wealth of information about the paternal side of things. (or maternal, depending.) and now we've got a family tree and then we conduct a us-search and then, what do you know, there are people related to these kids who CARE ABOUT THEM. and the good news? not everyone who's in prison is related to prisoners.

ONWARD! TO PRISON! IN A SPORTS BRA!

following through.

i think i've realized that something i deeply value is follow through. there's real power and trust built when someone does what they say they're going to do. must be the reason the words what i believe is not what i say i believe; what i believe is what i do sit by my bed.

yesterday we celebrated trent's twentyseventh. funniest guy i know? quite possibly.

seven days.

you have worked way too hard for way too long to let seven days come between you and your freedom. literally, your freedom. i'm hoping, just hoping, that the color of your skin and the way you look are the reason behind this.

[i really have to stop crying at work.]

dumb, dum dum dum, dumb.

another email that can be categorized in the best of two thousand and nine.

the subject line read: "thanks for not dumbing it down..." and it arrived from my all time favorite professor at westmont. it was sent to twenty two women who sat in her class at some point in time and did their best to not dumb it down. the email contained a link:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

here's to renewing my commitment to not playing dumb.

one of the best emails of two thousand nine.

i received this email tonight...

a conversation I overheard:

"Yeah, so the class was kind of a waste of time."
"I know, that teacher's weird."
"Yeah, she's like an ex-Jew and teaches marriage counseling, but she's not even married."
"What can she know?"
"Yeah, why would they let some single, Jewish lady teach marriage counseling?"
"Waste of time."
"And she made us talk about porn!"
"What does that have to do with marriage counseling?"
"No idea."

Perhaps I should have spoken up, but this did make me think of you though (on the spot, I promise). And how relieved I am to know that single, Female, Jewish, marriage and family therapists are upsetting young Christian girls all up and down the coast.

holler. i'm so glad i could have been the person these girls were talking about. didn't you know that because i haven't experienced a traumatic event, i can't help with ptsd? or because i haven't been addicted to drugs, i can't help addicts? shit, guess i'll stick to working with middle class white girls in their twenties.

when i listen to beirut's newest cd.

i feel like i am at the electrical parade at disneyland.

side note: today i met one of the creators of invisalign. and he'll be overseeing my teeth straightening up process. i guess i'm in good hands.

work update: i'm gaining hours and understanding the work more. fourteen days until my six month anniversary, which is pretty much like a six year anniversary at my agency. go me, go.

weird weather: it hailed in san francisco yesterday. and later a snowflake light came on in my car. not sure if the car is confused or if san francisco is confused.

last random tidbit: i was getting my tire fixed the other day and the guys at the tire shop thought it would be fun to fix the tire while i was still in the car. normal, right? sort of. cause then they started to raise the car up, WHILE I WAS STILL IN IT. so there i sat for a good ten minutes, suspended in the air, while they laughed at the confusion and terror on my face.

bring this into your vocabulary, part two.

merriam webster just emailed me and asked me to define intellectual sex, one of my all time favorite terms. of course i obliged.

main entry: intellectual sex
pronunciation: \ˌin-tə-ˈlek-chə-wəl, -chəl, -shwəl, -chü(-ə)l\ \ˈseks\
function: noun
date: 2008

: the sum of stimulation between two minds in conversation.

i don't often say there are many things better than voting. but intellectual sex? it's better.

continuing the search.

two people on completely different life paths have dinner together. and learn they're searching for the same thing, and probably always will be.

sean is one of the most authentic people i know from my time at westmont. the opportunity to spend time with him doesn't ever get passed up and i'm always grateful; he teaches me about food and silence and thoughtfulness and giving. he is probably the least judgmental person i have ever known.

i think he thought i was texting someone when i took this photo.

trolleying with the yutes.

"merry christmas, sir!" we yelled. and we danced. and we caroled. but for some strange reason, the most memorable moment was singing journey's don't stop believin' with the kids. and they knew every word, even though they weren't even born when it was released. hell, i wasn't even born in eightyone.

and there's something about being with these kids. they're the ones who aren't my clients and who i don't work with. it feels different. i can't quite explain it but i feel calm and natural around them. and so. i think i'll stay awhile.

all this in continuing the mission to surround myself with givers and people who appreciate me for me, and not something i can't ever be.

answers to the [rhetorical] questions would be much appreciated.

the other day i thought of dan when i heard joe purdy on the internet radio. i emailed him and said, "hope you're well?" the question mark was an invitation to respond. he'll know that's what i meant. but it was a day of questions.

why are my hands so dry?

why is faking it 'til i make it so hard?

have i really done my best?

what would it be like for women to not use their bodies to feel desired?

what does it feel like to be from the middle east living in america?

when did language choice become so important to me?

why do i have trouble trusting you?

it brought me way back.

one of the girls in the high school youth group had a choir performance tonight. oh man, did it bring me back to the days of black velvet topped dresses with a crunchy gold poofy skirt. kimberly laughed hysterically when i told her i was in the blazer choir. i'm not sure why she thought it was so funny-- she must not have known that choir was cool at my high school.

that's all.

giving thanks for kids who will grow up with [relatively] healthy lives.

riley brushing miles' teeth.

me, ella and cousin brandon.

clara, ella and riley are intrigued with baby maddy.