from fear to confidence.

kristy and i met in the first semester of freshman year in doctrine class; m.schloss introduced us and we hit it off. she in turn introduced me to everyone and anyone who was from santa barbara and we spent a lot of time [not studying] together and making memories (running all over firenze looking for cake mix; the frontier room; sharing mutual boy crushes; etc). over the last eight years of knowing her, kp has taught me about love, grace, and confidence. on saturday we thought it would be a good idea to celebrate her marrying the [frat] boy with a big heart and a love for the mets. who would have guessed?







in all my time knowing kristy, i have never known her more confident and full of love than when she's with alex. it was a joy to be in santa barbara to celebrate.

gratitude challenged.

my bold claim: we, you-me-us-americans-europeans-rich people, us. we are gratitude challenged.

i mean, when was the last time you sat in your car and thought about how you can breathe air. and vote. and walk. and pick your religion. and drive. in your car, the one you're sitting in. and don't give me any of that "i don't have a car because i ride muni" b.s. because we all know that you, too, can afford a car. if you really had to, you could... so, back to my point. when was the last time you took a deep breath, deep down in your belly, and thought about what you had?

confession: it's been a while for me. in fact, i don't know if i can name one time in the last month that i felt gratitude. deep, gut wrenching gratitude. is that sad? sure. embarrassing? a little. honest? brutally.

this is just a thought; a question i'm asking myself: what if complaining and gratitude are supposed to balance each other out? what if?

i'm chewing on this for a minute. not committing to change today, but only to thinking about it. because let's be real: my scale has been lopsided for quite some time and the least i can do is give it some thought.

ima be, ima be, ima be a dpt.

it's not often that i get to celebrate my best friend; the one who has devoted the last three years of her life to a doctorate in physical therapy (dpt). what an accomplishment.


to know someone since age twelve is one thing... but to continue to share memories and stand by each other for monumental milestones is another thing. it's been fourteen years and i can safely say that she is the most loyal friend i've ever known.

i've never known another eden.

and seriously, there is no one on this earth like her. i don't know anyone who gets as excited over a doughnut as her. she is crazy-generous, random and hilarious. we met in israel and it's one of those friendships where you don't need to call or email all the time... it just is.

in a short twentyfour hours i was introduced to her boyfriend and his house and all the orthodox-jews that live on his street (did you know these places exist? it's incredibly fascinating. one time drew had to turn on the fan for a pregger lady; must've been a friday night). she pointed out celebrities and quickly reminded me that that one had a big butt, too.

i am so lucky to know her and to have been able to experience a day in the life of eden.

missing the valley.

modesto reminds me of my life growing up in the valley. maybe it's the beauty of the land; the crop, the dirt. maybe it's the people who don't mind being apple pie. maybe it's may's seventyfive degree breeze on the deck in good, good company. the kind of good company that cultivates another friendship crush and reminds me of what caitlin says about a woman who is smart and kind: they are rare.

i drove home that night fighting my heavy eyes, (literally slapping my cheeks- i am a horrible night driver) while thinking about how grateful i am to know women like lisa and lesley. to know that it's worth it to pursue the friendship and to invest. to be authentic and vulnerable. to spend time learning from those who are experts at being smart and kind. and to surround myself with past and present valley inhabitants; there's something special about us.

the more i work with foster youth...

...the more i wonder where the Church is. and the couples who have love to give. and the people who care out of the goodness of their heart. and the families who want to adopt the un-adoptable... and God; i wonder where he is, too.

i sit here fighting the urge to not be a bitter young woman. instead, i'm campaigning for permanency: every kid needs a permanent plan. every kid deserves a family.

and that's the difference between a man and a boy.

the boy said, i will kiss her at midnight. the man said, if he does that i will punch him in the face.

of course there's more to the story and who knows if the man would've really punched the boy. and let's be real: i am not promoting violence. but it's true: the man works to respect and not disrespect. the boy thinks of himself and what he can gain.

thankful for the c's and the a's and the n's.

the next eighteen days will be incredible.

i'm looking forward to: lisa's belly. meeting wendell. kqed in person. seeing some movies (babies. waiting for superman. sex and the city, two.) watching the bff accept her doctorate. seeing kristy as a bride. a consult with one of the leading trauma therapists in the world. finding a curtain wire. meeting drew. the life changing tuesday evening workshop. riley's third. balayage.

why yes, yes mr. cute rose man, i will take your roses.

it has taken me threehundredandtwentysix days to put on my asics. and as i walked to the park i stopped in awe of a fourteen foot high garden-rose tree. bush? tree. i'd never noticed it before so i inhaled and remembered to breathe. and in that moment, he came from behind, grocery sacks in hand, and said, "you should take some." really? i asked. "yes, definitely. if you don't, they'll just fall to the ground and die." thanks. thanks, i will. so i went on my walk. i walked and i walked, making sure to end at the roses. and though i'm not tall enough to reach the good ones, i tip toed to the best that i could reach and took. listening to mr. cute rose man, following his instructions by enjoying the smells of a blooming garden-rose.

and as i walked through the park, memories flooded my senses: the sound of moving cars, the sight of the hipster without his helmet, the smell of my sweat, the touch of the heel-toe to the pavement, the taste of the crisp air. and i remembered; i remembered the beauty that is taking care of oneself. with garden-roses and walks in the park.

dark chocolate pretzel bark has changed my life.

i got some closure on a situation close to my heart; it is what it is... and i'm learning a little bit about the freedom i have. (sorry for the cryptic-ness, lm) i'm mostly choosing to believe that what God has for me is good.

and today? today, i feel a little bit of myself coming back: the me who cared about self-care and serving and authenticity and modesty. the sensitive me. there have been many points in the last twelve months that i wanted to run away-- far away from my problems and bury myself in the sand where only my head was sticking out. hoping that maybe someone put a baseball hat on me so i didn't wither in the sun.

but i am here to say this one thing: facing the shit head on, asking for help and admitting failures and heart ache are healing. and redeeming. and totally worth it.

so tomorrow i will celebrate. me and my dark chocolate pretzel bark.

i laughed pretty good.

why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?

hawaiian excursion numero dos.

i earned a sore belly from laughing as we told stories and divulged secrets. and then continued to laugh and share in all that is r.c. and judy. the la la la la la la is unforgettable and everything being commy could never get old. and aquasize: one for the hair cut, one for the governator, one for the iron cross, climb the ladder one more time. and he makes the participants bark at the moon! they told us about the secret to a successful marriage. and the candy, oh did we eat the candy. shopped at the most expensive grocery store in the country and met a lot of FPs (famous people). memories made and sunburns created.