it's weird to me how a gadget can change things.

martin's + stellar supervision + knowing iphone people in high places + recognition + work sort of paying for my iphone + my one year review + advocating for myself + shotwell's = one hell of a day.

today goes down in history.

holy crap, i can't believe i've made it a year at my agency. they say it's sort of like dog years... an actual year equals seven years. this might be my longest relationship, yet.

anyway. important to note on this day: it has gotten so much easier with time. it's more manageable and i'm much better at delegating to the team. and i surprisingly like my job! working with kids and families has been quite taxing but totally worth it.

and important to remember: the night in october when i spent seventeen hours in the hospital. connecting my client with new door and watching him (mostly) succeed. sitting in on the many trials and hearings. seeing my client yearn for his mother's love and helping her to figure out how to show it. saying goodbye to my favorite. the family finding and permanency process that has changed my kids' life. and learning how to be more hopeful and optimistic, as it makes me a more effective clinician and person.

i hate the questions, in this very moment.

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke

last night was one of those nights where i needed to embrace the whispering, the deception, the lies by omission.. and then just sleep on it in order to be silent. (note: i am not very good at silence.) but i am learning that in my few years, twentyfive has definitely been my hardest yet; a fine line of protecting myself and dancing with vulnerability. and can i just say: i hate this fine line, i hate the questions, and i hate that this is about me.

these are growing pains, for sure.

dance recitals, hospitals and weddings.

wish i had photos to show you. insert sad face here.

mad cooking skills.

life is good. especially with rad friends and a cooking lesson from emily.

our menu: rosemary flatbread, spring vegetable galette, herb and pinenut crusted baked slab salmon and a lemon sponge.

i love this city and all of the opportunities here.

utilizing this treat.

by surrounding myself with wise people and getting a breath of fresh air.

today's lesson, as found being repeated in my head: "sometimes information is a burden and silence is what God needs for us to apply as an actual tool so we can win options for ourselves in the future."

amen to that, sister. it's all about honest and earnest at the right times.

one point is better than no points.

i'm okay with a tie if the u.s. was expected to lose. anyway...

my friend, dr, recently told me this is my fight song:

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, i....

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

"comes and goes" by greg laswell.

i felt safe.

i'm a young woman living in the heart of a city, specifically a five by six block area that is lovingly referred to as nopa. last night, for the first time in all my years in this neighborhood (three), i felt overwhelmingly safe. around ten thirty at night there was a loud boom and some screaming... it was a car accident. and out we came, over sixty neighbors put on their shoes and bras ready to help. "i'm a doctor!" "i called nine one one already!" people shouted. in numbers we gathered, some to make sure it was safe, but the rest because we were all curious and wanted to be looky loos. of course the woman from the accident who was screaming strange things was quite interesting. especially when she got down on her knees and kissed the sewer. i could have shouted "i'm a mental health professional!" but i restrained myself.

after my fix of watching was fulfilled, i wandered back into the house, relaxed in my cave, and felt gratitude. i felt safe in this little neighborhood as the people gathered. i felt safe knowing that if i were to blow the whistle on my key chain, screaming for help, they would come. we might not say hello every time we pass on our walks, but it's okay. it's worth it knowing that this community is available if i'm in need.

back to my routine.

in the last four weeks, i've been to work like this: three days one week. two and a half the next. and then four. and now two. one graduation, one wedding, one memorial, and a conference equal total discombobulation in the la-la-land of me.

and there's something about routine; something about putting on make up in the same order, driving home the same way, eating the same breakfast, writing mental health notes the same, whatever it is: i feel safe in my routine. and more than that, i feel control. lots of people talk about God being in control, but i don't always understand that. it's quite confusing to me, too. but it's neither here nor there for this topic; important to note is my need for control and how that relates to my updated view of forgiveness (a subject for a later post).

monday, june fourteenth will mark summer's begin for me. and august thirtyfirst will mark the end. between now and then, i plan to enjoy: iced tea. not traveling. more instax photos. visitors. pool bbqs. planning the first [annual?] work talent show. longer sunshine. seeing clients before the three to six pm time frame. and reading more than my news and blog feed.

i don't usually feel this way, but i'm looking forward to monday. to my summer.

rock the.

VOTE.

today. at your local polling place.

public service announcement.

trader joe's dark chocolate pretzel bark is on sale for ninety nine cents. get it before it's gone. mostly because it will likely be gone for an undetermined amount of time. possibly forever.