messy.

even though this is my year, i must remember that i am not immune from really crappy days. yes, even six days into the new year.

it was nothing anyone said or did; there wasn't anything specific. it was just a reminder of one of my core beliefs and some of the reasons i make certain decisions. and the thought of this idea, the one that dictates so many of my relational decisions, makes me want to crawl into a black hole.

so i did! i went into my black hole and while i was there, i walked to my car and found a nice flat tire. and later i bumped my head pretty hard on the corner of my nightstand. and after that i made a delicious tortilla chicken soup, chocolate chip cookies, and a regrettable decision, which reminded me that i'm a mess. and that i'm a self-deprecator and that i have a whole host of issues that i have to face. because you can't just ignore things or push them to the side when this is your year: you have to face the truth about who you are and who you want to become and who you're not and who you'll never be.

good thing this life isn't a dichotomy of black or white, but rather a rainbow with more shades of hazel colored eyes than i can count.