waiting to leave.

we're at the chicago airport. i am so not jewish.

here's to riding a camel. and not dying.

cheers.

eulogy shmoology.

i'm exhausted. and the idea of really writing a eulogy seemed quite odd. so i didn't.

instead i thought about what i would name the camel i'm going to ride. humphrey seems so obvious. marvin or leroy or betsy seem like better fits. wimbo would be good, too.

my pearl earrings.

this is my will in case i die in israel. it is only valid from january tenth through the twentysecond.

my pearl earrings go to which ever of my brothers first has a baby girl. may she receive them when she graduates from college like i did.

my computer can go to carter because clearly you need a new one.

lisa can have my red fancy "i used to work at nordstrom" bag, beware: you might need physical therapy for your shoulder after using it.

my kitchenaid mixer and cuisinart blender can go to lis, consider it your wedding gift. (no, she's not engaged. but one day she will be.)

courtney can have my new running shoes. i think we might be the same size? 

my favorite tweezers can go to allison. i hope you always remember me when you use them.

carissa gets my lululemon and lucy clothing. you'll take good care of it. do a marathon or something in the sexy work out clothes.

my car can go to dillon, only if you turn the light on when backing into the garage.

my cookbooks can go to kristy, cause i'm pretty sure you're the only one who'd use them.

anna j gets to go through my book collection and gets first dibs on anything she hasn't read, which would be like two books.

mom, you get the earrings grandma just gave me. they're the only valuable piece of jewelry i own. they're sitting on my desk under the clock.

my old school vintage camera needs to stay in the family. pops, hold it until one of your grandbabies shows an interest in the art of film. then tell them stories about grandpa jerry. but let julie borrow it in the mean time.

dan can have my scooter, as long as it's okay with marv and eileen. and you get my comforter, too, but only because you asked nicely.

julie, you can have my minimal jewelry collection. yours is better but whatever. i hope you enjoy the gold mj pear clock necklace. and you also get the san francisco city print back because all of my roommates tried to claim it last night and i put my foot down.

adam b gets permission to say "i'm so funny" whenever he wants. but try to do it when reminiscing about working with me and lori.

lori gets a tape recording of me screaming when she told me she had a boyfriend.

michele can have all my therapy books because even though she's not becoming a therapist, she should be.

my journal can go to all of you. feel free to read it. i wrote everyday in the year of two thousand and seven so if you read that, you'll know how boring i really am. i've got nothing to hide. [i'm a sinner and have my fair share of issues.]

ps. all of my passwords are easy to find if you know me well enough. and if there's anything that's not listed here that you want, let me know. 

january twentieth.

will be a good day indeed. yes, barack obama will be sworn into office. but did you know that bon iver will be releasing a single ep titled blood bank? 

considered yourself informed.

todo todo todo.

it's been altered a bit, too. i only have fortyseven items to go. 

1. Visit Boston (Completed 11/07)
2. Go to the deYoung Museum (Completed 08/08)
3. Take a cooking class
4. Buy a watch (Completed 2/13/07)
5. Go wine tasting (Completed 05/08)
6. Study counseling/MFT (Started 08/07, Complete on 07/09)
7. Visit KP & ST in Seattle (Completed 12/08)
8. Go to Las Vegas (Completed 08/07)
9. Fill the space over my bed at the Urban house (Completed 05/07)
10. Take more photos, intentionally
11. Hear Sam Beam live, hopefully with Sean (Completed 10/08)
12. Go to the Japanese Tea Gardens in GG Park
13. Read The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
14. Organize my art supplies (Completed 08/08)
15. Kiss in the rain
16. Journal for 365 consecutive days (Completed 12/26/07)
17. Drink a cup of black coffee
18. Make exercise a part of my daily life (Completed 08/08)
19. Make “home-made” lasagna (Completed 04/07)
20. Go back to Florence
21. See Coldplay live (07/08)
22. Take a silk screening class
23. Ask a boy out on a date (Anna: does 09/08 count?)
24. See Rosie Thomas live (12/12/08)
25. Volunteer consistently (02/08)
26. Cut out the Real Simple articles that I want to keep
27. Finish Adam and Jenn’s blanket (12/06)
28. Start and finish Carter and Courtney’s blanket
29. Ride a scooter (Completed 02/26/08)
a. Buy a scooter? (Completed 02/26/08)
30. Go to the San Francisco Symphony (Completed 07/08)
31. Find a new fiction book that I enjoy reading
32. Visit the Armours in 2009
33. Read The Four Loves by CS Lewis
34. Visit my grandparents in Kauai, by myself
35. Rent space in a dark room and print
36. Use my water bottle consistently (Completed 11/08)
37. Run a half marathon (Completed 08/03/08)
38. Go fishing with Carter
39. Get a dog… Lulu?
40. Run across Golden Gate Bridge (07/08 and 08/08)
41. Go to a fondue restaurant
42. See Kate Earl live (Completed 8/5/05)
43. Pay off my school loans
44. Go to a spelling bee
45. Taste more beer (Completed 04/08)
a. Decide if I really don’t like it (Completed 04/08)
46. Purchase a new point and shoot digital (Completed 11/07)
47. Drive on Highway 1
48. Take a trip with Lori… somewhere
49. Go to the ballet (Completed 04/07)
50. Go to counseling (Completed 03/08)
51. See my first client (Completed 08/27/08)
52. Forgive myself for recent hurt (occurred 03/07, forgiven 01/08)
53. Read poetry (Completed 09/07)
54. Spend more time with Rusty (Completed 05/08)
55. Celebrate community with Page 3C in April 2008 (Completed 04/08)
56. Learn how to eat healthy (Completed 07/08)
57. Camp with friends (Completed 03/08)
58. Consistently go to City Church (Completed 03/08)
59. Go to a dive bar (Completed 12/07)
60. Live with boys (Completed 08/01/08)
61. Eat sushi in Japantown (Completed 02/07)
62. Hold my nephews at the same time (Completed 07/07 and 12/08)
63. Apply to be on Survivor
64. Go to a professional football game
65. Turn off my cell phone for 1 week
66. Sell my car
67. Explore to New York City
68. Listen to one of Andrew Bird’s cds
69. Read the whole Bible
70. Take Diana to the zoo
71. Finish No Man Is An Island by Thomas Merton
72. Plan at least 3 more friends’ weddings (1 down 2 to go as of 09/08)
73. Listen to Justin Timberlake’s cd (Completed 05/08)
74. Re-read one of Lederach’s books
75. Read the The New Yorker cover to cover
76. Research the importance of Flax Seeds
a. Eat them?
77. Go to the grand re-opening of the Academy of Sciences
78. Create a garden
79. Visit Shonna (Completed 10/08)
80. Eat local fruits and veggies intentionally (Completed 09/08)
81. Vote for Barack Obama (Completed 02/05/08 and 11/04/08)
82. Write my own “The Way I See It” Starbucks quote
83. Learn more about the Kennedy family
84. Get involved in getting youth to vote (Completed 02/08)
85. Whiten my teeth
86. Finish critiquing Captivating by the Eldridges
87. Learn to play piano
88. Go to Coit Tower (Completed 04/07)
89. Go vegetarian for one month (Completed 01/08)
90. Finish Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott
91. See Damien Rice live (Completed 04/07)
92. Adopt 
93. Try a new [to me] type of food (Beets, Completed 01/05/09)
94. Go to Twin Peaks (Completed 11/08)
95. Visit Carissa in Orange
96. Learn to knit
97. Floss for 21 days straight
98. Go to Paris
99. March in a protest (Completed 11/07)

let's go to a country that's at war.

that's what i'll be doing come january tenth. i'm uncertain. i'm scared. and i am literally thinking about what it would mean to have my life end in january two thousand and nine.

okay maybe i'm being dramatic. i probably have more of a chance of dying on my scooter than i do in israel. but really, i am scared. and there's this part of me that wants to have courage and be adventurous.

and then there's this other part. the part of me that is thinking about what i'd [wish i could] say to people before i leave if i were really going to die.

for one of you, i'd say: don't marry him. not until you take your relationship out of the dark.
for another one of you, i'd say: you have taught me more about jesus than anyone i have ever encountered.
for someone else, i'd say: you are so selfish and you are so hopeless. it's a good thing i didn't give up on you.
and another, i'd say: you were never needy. fight the urge and be the strong, independent human you are.
and you: why didn't we ever make out?
and you: i have never been so grateful for the wisdom you have provided me.
and you: quit being so black and white. you are hurting people more than you're helping.
and you: thanks for slowing me down. and listening. even when you didn't get it.
and you: i love you i love you i love you. i always have.

be prepared, i might just write my eulogy on friday.

proof.

my life made a little bit more sense tonight as i listened to coldplay's song proof.

the lyrics:

So I waited for you
What wouldn't I do
And I'm covered it's true
I'm covered in you

And if I ever want proof
I find it in you
Yeah I honestly do
In you I find proof

Light and dark
Bright spark
Light and dark
And then light

So I waited all day
What wouldn't I say
And are there things in your way
Things happen that way

Oh and if I ever want proof
Then I find it in you
Oh, yeah I honestly do
In you I find proof

Light and dark
Bright spark
Light and dark
And then light

Light, light, light, light

snowflakes and heated tile.

i hope you have a place [in life] that you get to retreat to. a place where answering the phone and checking email feels lame. where running outside in the snow for a seventytwo second snowball fight with no shoes and socks feels fun. and where playing murder in the dark is your entertainment.

i love the sugarshack. but more, i love the people inside the sugarshack. until we meet again [in just twentyeight days].

one day soon i will regret these sunglasses.

we hiked and ate and laughed.
san francisco visitors: dillon, chris, andrew, trent, dan, emily, ashley, diana.
great tree.

hello, 2009.

this is what i wrote last year. unfortunately, i didn't learn to budget my money better (except i now have mint.com) or do something new on the twenty second of each month. however, i have been volunteering consistently and i would argue that it has been one of the best decisions i've ever made.

so. instead of making a resolution that i know i'll break, i'm going to go with what's working for me and try to keep it going. i will: continue not drinking caffeine, run consistently and keep hanging out at martin's.

i would like to do another race of some sort this year but i won't beat myself up if i don't. join me?