fast weekend.

so. i graduated this weekend. from college. wow. during the actual ceremony i kept asking myself, "is anyone going to clap for me?" i had this fear that as spencer announced my name no one would clap or say anything. i don't know why i do this to myself. it happens often. randomly i get the thought, if i died right now, would people attend my funeral? where does this weird fear come from? it is probably not healthy.

since thursday, at senior celebration, leaving westmont became a reality. though, i never felt like a senior this whole year; being in florence and then not being a student and now being staff kind of swallowed ever letting me be a senior. someone i work with said, "i didn't realize you were a senior- congratulations on graduating"

anyway, anna, janelle and i are all moved in- it's a lot of fun. janelle and anna love doing dishes and i think that is fantastic. they also are planning meals for the week. mom's in progress or what.

i think i want a dog. but now is not the right time.

what is going to happen in september? help.

best & worst... ?

i can't figure out what the best day of my life has been. i also can't figure out what the worst day of my life has been. maybe they haven't happened yet? but, it seems like they should have happened. i mean, i have to have had one of each because i have lived 21 years of life. is the best day supposed to be the day that i get married..if i get married? or if i ever have kids? what if none of those things ever happen, will i have not had a best day of my life? i have a lot of good days, and great days, and unforgettable days.... but i'm not sure that i can name one particular day as the best... or worst. was the worst when i confessed my love for a boy and got rejected? or when my mom was so disappointed in me that i had terrible cramps and a lump in my throat for more than 36 hours? actually, that never happened, so it can't be a non existent day. was the worst day a day that i was depressed? will the worst day be when someone dies?

do i have to have a best and worst day?

jason, the cat, is out of control. fyi.

carissa and i are exercising together in place of the driving that i used to do. for some reason, perhaps my nutrition class, i am starting to care about what i put in my body. it's probably a good change: i feel better and i'm not as tired all the time.

i took the cbest on saturday- piece of cake. well, hopefully. sometimes when i feel like i know the answers, the scores mysteriously read something different. odd how that happens.

on saturday night it hit me how grateful i was for making the choice to come to westmont. i put in a little letter with my graduation announcement that was a snapshot of the past four years (urban, ra, florence). one of my friends said to me, "i want to put in a letter like yours, but i didn't do anything in college besides my major." i know that isn't everyone's experience, but i'm not sure that if i went to another school that i would have gone off campus twice or been an ra, plus everything in between.

opportunities for september:
san francisco
santa barbara
san diego
costa mesa

grad school? event coordinating? personal assistant? urban house? yss?

layne wilson's birthday is on the 29th. party!

the family comes up in two weeks for graduation. i am real excited.

good song: "flying high" by jem

good quotes:
"vengeance is a lazy form of grief."
"words and compassion are the only way, even if it’s slower than a gun."
–nicole kidman in the interpreter

visalia etc.

it was practically a high school reunion; i saw people i hadn't seen in 4 years. real weird.

daniel and autumn are so adorable. late sunday night they were playing the piano together and singing scales...they have written about 20 songs together in the past 2 months....lovely!

they asked me if money wasn't a factor and i could do whatever i wanted, what would i do? then they asked what life would look like if everyone followed their hearts? i would start a magazine. and i'm not quite sure what life would look like.

two long awaited moments collided in my life on saturday night- something i wanted 6 years ago and something i haven't done in 5. fun.

i live in santa barbara now, yah! i am shane and anna's test for a week and a half. they have two cats, jason and karen. who names their cats people names? anyway, jason woke me up this morning because he wanted attention. damn you.

highlights.

-i can eat an apple in 2 bites. (small apple, big bites)
-the colour concert on thursday night.
-the tax job ends on thursday. (hell yeah)
-i'm going to visalia for easter weekend.
-i'm going to see an old friend, erin, while in visalia.
-erin has a baby named aiden... he's 1 month old.
-i move in with anna chase the last weekend of april. (so happy)
-i bought an orchid plant, its name is dragon.
-i watched broke back mountain. crash is better. by far.
-i missed my mom's call from israel cause i had npr turned up too loud.
-i'm turning in my grad school application at the end of the month. woohoo!
-i miss marcy, kara, and steph. (roommates in florence)
-the song "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin is worth your time.

mission: failed.

i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. i didn't know how to ask him his name. for now, i'm just going to call him the chai guy.

the graduation invites are hitting the homes of the invited. they are calling me to tell me how proud they are. is this really a big deal? i guess. it doesn't feel like it, at all.

i am taking the cbest on april 22. assuming i pass, i can substitute teach but the better news is that i can finish my application for apu- a master's in education for high school counseling. it feels right. i only want to work with college students when i'm working for michele, other than that, hanging out with the high school drama sounds fun. jokes.

three of the girls from my section last year are all studying in florence next fall. i am going to start saving so i can visit them. anyone want to come?

three more weeks of tax hell. wooo hoooo! i think this summer's work will be at westmont, filling in at the spa, babysitting, and helping out at a sweet event coordinating place. it will be weird to not have homework. does tv replace homework when you are done with college? i hope not.

so far 2 weddings this summer. i am quite excited.

well, i'm hungry. see ya.

the 22nd of march is:

WORLD WATER DAY!
www.worldwaterday.org
let's celebrate!

everyone order a chai tea latte with NO h2o
it tastes so much better

okay, there are other ways to preserve & protect.

2 kidneys & a boyfriend!

i got a boyfriend. okay, i didn't. but i have a friend crush on a cute guy who works at a certain popular coffee place at a shopping center near you. this week's mission: learn his name.

this woman, dr. robin smith, well, she's great. she just said to me: 1. shame never creates change 2. doubt = don't 3. insecure = i don't feel good enough 4. silence is as bad, if not worse, than the pain or abuse 5. it isn't necessarily always safe to tell the truth.
i'm not quite sure why i like her so much? she also has this sweet analogy about the holes that we have in our hearts and having the choice to fill them with things like death and trash (drugs, lies, shopping, money) or life (plants and flowers = truths).

um, i almost decided to give away one of my kidneys on wednesday. apparently, we have two. then, my mother informed me of the health risks. man, npr is so cool, it made me want to give away one of my kidneys.

usa today had an article on being an egg donor; they want young women with no health problems and high sat scores. i'm pretty average in both of those categories. then my mother informed me of the surgery procedure. it wasn't too bad until she said "do you really want little emilys running around this world already?" yeah, that changed my mind.



everyone! everyone! listen to a sweet group from champaign, il, named 'headlights headlights' their new ep is titled 'the enemies' but headlights' sound is not as intense as the title. a gentle feel. genre: electronic/rock

true confessions of a freak. me.

i have a bit of a problem. and let me tell you, it's not a small problem. it's kind of a pricey problem. expensive. time consuming. and it includes being a brat sometimes. and being mad at people under my breath. but i love it and i'm not sure why. i want you to love it too, even though you might not love it, you might just appreciate it. my friend says that i appreciate pride and prejudice, but i don't like it. she is so right. so if you appreciate it but don't love it, or even like it, that's okay too. (i guess)

i'm talking about my love for music. i'm talking about my obsession with smooth sounds that don't hurt my ears, but almost feel as good as a q-tip, even though i've heard that q-tips shouldn't go in ears. they go in mine, oops. my friend calls them eargasms. is that a bit much? not if you know the feeling. i love q-tips! so i'm going to explore music in my blog. i don't even think very many people read this, but if you do, brace yourself. i've got some opinions that are pretty intense, and i'd say there is going to be a bit of vulnerability in this thing. i'm a dork!

i'm not sure where my love for music came? i sang for 6 years in junior high and high school. no instruments besides the trombone in sixth grade. my brother plays guitar and my sister in law is a concert pianist...both instruments i would like to play one day. in high school, i just listened to the radio and to my favorite worship band, 100 portraits & water deep. i burned my friend's cds and the most embarrassing part is this: the music i chose to burn from people's collections was based on whether or not if you (or someone else) went through my collection, would you think i was cool. i think you can tell a lot about someone from their music collection, so i decided that i would add frank sinatra and u2 to my own collection. you know, cause that would say that i have variety, taste, old school vibes, you know, all of the above. then one day, i was done. done. done. done. (that's like how my friend jesse described jesus as dead, dead, dead! okay, he's 4.) so i threw all of my cds away that i didn't buy. well, almost all of them. i definitely did it in stages. to this day, there are still 2 cds in my music collection that i haven't paid for: jump little children and rocky votalato's 'suicide medicine'. however, i did just purchase rocky's january release, 'makers', and it is brilliant. simply brilliant. not quite sure what's holding me back from the purchases?

sometimes i do silly things; this one author named don miller wrote in his book about a band and a singer- wilco and derek webb. i immediately went out and bought their cds. derek webb, excellent choice. wilco, ehh. it didn't catch my attention, though they are excellent musicians. so here i am, just having spent at least 20 dollars on 2 cds that i don't listen to all that much, one i enjoy, and the other i just appreciate. i used to do that with guys that i liked. you know, i liked the music that they liked, that sort of thing. then, i got a grip on reality and decided that was really, really lame. i'm not going to give an example of that music cause what if i liked you at one point and i went out and bought some music that you liked and you heard it in my car or something, now you know i liked you. though, i don't think i've ever liked any of you who read this? the point is, i am silly.

i wasn't too sure about itunes. i was way into it for singles or songs that would go on my "i'm embarrassed to own this and have paid money for it" list (but i do need to talk about that list later) and i think i have very good reasons for not wanting to itunes whole cds...the beautiful art work and expression from the musician. i felt like my ears were being fed, but not my sensation of touch or sight. but my american sense of demand found a cure- instant gratification of having what i want when i wanted it. so i started itunes-ing whole cds. but that has put me into a pickle. sometimes my ipod runs out of batteries. and that leaves me with out that music. "burn the cd" you say? ugh, i would if people didn't look through my cd case, having heard my opinions on burning music, and automatically thought, "hypocrite!" i don't like burned cds, its almost like i am allergic to them. the sharpie pen in my hand just doesn't make good enough writing for me, it really says "you don't appreciate music, you stealer!" even though, i might not have stolen that cd, i just bought it on itunes. i'm so weird slash i care way too much about what you think about me.

let's get to that list, you know, the "i'm embarrassed to own this and have paid money for it" list. what's on my list: gavin degraw (really liked the guy until i paid money to see him in concert and he was more about the act than the music and he was all about the bras that were being thrown to him on stage), kelly clarkson (i bought that song after watching 'love actually,' you know, the song is 'the trouble with love is') and maroon5 (no good explanation). but this is the thing about the list: i shouldn't be embarrassed. all of my music that i have bought is for a certain time in my life. a certain feeling that i'm having. ie: the last week in florence and seeing the last scene in love actually where the people are meeting their friends and family at the airport, yeah i just wanted that, so the song was the closest thing i was going to get. the point is, if you have that list, like i do, i don't think it's good. we shouldn't be ashamed that we enjoy the smooth grooves of christina aguilera or justin timberlake (fantastic dance music, right chelsea?)... we shouldn't think we are lame cause we are some how going with the majority of teenagers who have no established opinions of their own. woah, a total generalization. oops.

things i don't like about music listeners, but i can't control:
1. when you think you're cool because you are listening to "indy" music. you might be cool, but not if you are trying to be cool. what are your intentions?
2. when you go looking for music, find really good stuff, and the second the person or group becomes popular, you aren't in to them anymore. like, they are cool and known now so you can't like them. i just don't understand.
3. when someone gets super popular, like mega popular, and you don't like them for that. i guess this is sort of like #2 but that refers to groups that get known by your friends and #3 refers to people like john mayer or jason mraz or jack johnson. woah, three j's. don't discount them because they are mainstream and 'popular' and because you have spent so much time investing and really appreciating the music and the shmuck next to you at the concert just learned the words to the songs yesterday cause he heard this guy on the radio and took his girlfriend of three weeks to the concert.

things i love about music listeners, that i can't control, but i think you're brilliant:
1. when you share your new find and want to tell people because this group or person deserves to be heard by more than just yourself.
2. when you buy music. and support them by going to shows.
3. when you appreciate because you can identify. you might not be into discovering and learning about new artists, but you love your friends who do that for you and you love hearing what they have to say.
4. when music isn't on your top 15 priorities list in life, but you still appreciate.
5. if you watch american idol, and you aren't ashamed, like me. (there's that vulnerability!)

stay tuned for more weird writing on music. oh geese, i hope you don't stop reading this thing because of the words/ideas/thoughts/vulnerability shared in this post or even just because of reading #5. eeek.

compromise?

I went to Visalia on Saturday night to visit Daniel and Autumn. Always a good and challenging time; thought a lot about compromise. Autumn consciously makes the decision to not watch this or that or listen to certain music because she sees it as a compromise... I think of the compromise as what you do with the information you just took in (watching this or listening to that) and what happens after the fact. Autumn's argument against me was that sometimes doing what I would do can create a calloused heart where I am so used to something that I'm not even convicted anymore. Am I making sense? Is there a middle ground? Is it black and white?