interested.

something tells me it's not okay to be interested in this or that. but i am interested. whatever is telling me it's not okay is taking over and making me act this way.

who's with me?

tristan. ben. this friday the 3rd. the roxy.
buchanan on february 14th. happy freaking valentine's day. the troubadour.

realization!

when i admire someone or am in the presence of someone who i have a deep longing to learn from, i shut up. i can't talk. and it's not that i just want to listen because they have so much to say, it is more of me not knowing how to make conversation. i am not exactly "comfortable." this happens a lot to me. i'm not sure if i am intimidated or just nervous because i am going to say the wrong thing and they will think i am stupid, or clearly not as wise as they are. [ahh, fear of man.] i was just faced with this realization as i am writing a friend an email, explaining the somewhat awkward silence that sometimes occurs in our interactions. and then i thought, "wow, this happens a lot with me. a pattern. interesting."

so when i am with you and i lack words, it is because you are admired. maybe.

i keep trying to post, but.

.but i kept writing and deleting. writing and deleting. so then i heard this song. and i liked it.

that I would be good:

that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

-a.m.

and here is my addition:

that i would be loved even if i wasn't a "success"

bad.

feeling really bad. not settled. no bed to sleep in. jumping around to friend's. never knowing what to do next. not having a home. need another job. what am i doing here?

crap cubed.

i'm having a hard time right now. i come to westmont to hang out but i get bored. i have to remember that all these people are still in school. they still have homework to do and classes to go to. i kind of feel needy when i get here. i've never thought of myself as needy. today i am needy. crap.

i made a mistake. i went and applied for a hostess position at bj's and she said i could have the job but i needed to call on thursday between 7am and 5pm. at 230pm on thursday i thought i should call and then i proceeded to forget. i never forget things like that. i even wrote it down. crap.

i've been pretty apathetic lately. not just as a christian, but in life as a whole. i think it's cause i don't have a schedule or a planned out day, packed with things to do. when i just hang out with myself all day, with nothing to do for anyone else, i do nothing productive. crap.

do you think i sound like drew barrymore?

job, birthday, and a home.

i got a job. i'm not sure how i feel about it, but we'll see. i start a week from today for training. i am basically helping out at a tax firm and getting paid pretty well. there is a bit of a catch... the job is in santa barbara and my home is in camarillo and i can't go on potter's clay. super big bummer. but the job is only part time so i can actually get another job and save up money and pay my bills. yuck. bills.

today i almost drove to fresno for my friend jacob's birthday party. i thought i would surprise him but then i remembered that i hate surprises so i called him to ask him what he thought. he thought no. rejected. okay, not really rejected, more just saved from eight hours of driving. oh well. right? but i wanted to be there to hang out. my job doesn't start until next week and i am getting quite bored. quit being a stupid girl, emily.

i still need a place to live. i'm not sure if driving all the way to sb from camarillo is the most brilliant idea. it looks like i will be in sb for the summer, i definitely have a job, i just don't have a place to live. that seems like a common denominator in emily's world of problems. i need a remedy...

sick. love. lovesick.

sick. i'm not, but a few people in my family are. it's not just the commmon cold either, this is serious sick. i've never been close to people who are really sick besides my grandma when i was about ten. i wasn't old enough to understand death and i wasn't close to her, so i wasn't incredibly sad when she passed. i don't think these sick people are close to dying, but... really they are. we are all dying. once we came out of the womb, our journey toward death began. this (clearly) is no original idea. but it's hard to think about. one of the sick people declared that he was scared. my heart dropped. he's scared. he can't be scared. but he is.

love. i keep learning more and more about love, and right now i keep thinking about how i love these people. and how i haven't ever known life with out these people. ever.

he is scared. now i am scared.

the wedding was good. i was an emotional wreck. ugh, i hate when people say emotional when they really just mean crying, and i just did that. oh well. i was crying a lot. that's what i'm trying to say... two people who are so committed to jesus were joined together on the 8th of january and i got to be apart of it. it was a true picture of what God intended the Church to be; pure, white, spotless, before the bridegroom. daniel and autumn are something different. watch what will be done through them.

i want to learn what it means to be lovesick.

i have never posted so much in one day.

ryan, one of the guys in the wedding, is brilliant- let me tell you why: he knows how to communicate with me. or maybe he's just sympathetic and wants to listen. or maybe i shared my heart out of frustration. whatever it is, i realized tonight how much i appreciate him. he knows the gentle way to speak into my heart and allow me to hear what it is that i need to hear, whether i need confrontation or just advice.

we talked about forgiveness in a way that hasn't been so clear in my life before tonight. so what did ryan say? it was so simple: forgiveness isn't talking about it afterward. forgiveness isn't saying "but..." forgiveness isn't being hurt. forgiveness isn't expecting. forgiveness isn't being owed something. forgiveness isn't easy.

ok, i have heard all of that stuff before but i haven't understood it. i take that back, i still don't understand it. if i did, i would be forgiving left and right. whatever the step between hearing and understanding, that's where i am.


thanks ryan.
thanks God for speaking through ryan.
thanks.

rehearsal etc.

the rehearsal went well. i sucked it up. this life is not about me. God is going to bring so much glory to His name through this marriage. here are some pictures.

bridesmaids: emily, heather, and robyn.
my grandparents.
thinking about tomorrow.
autumn's nephew.
dan's best friends/groomsmen.
the cutest 3 year old cousin i know.
bridesmaids.
in love.

it is 4:17 am

i have been up since 3:05. more than an hour. can't sleep. how come we can divorce spouses but we can't divorce our families? ok, i don't really want that. i love my family- i just don't like some of them right now.

daniel and i got to fighting yesterday and then i droped him off. after two.5 hours of driving to the airport to get adam and then picking up daniel's friend... i finally got back. and mark (autumn's brother...autumn is daniel's fiancé) said hi to me and he said it like the nice 17 year old boy that i have to walk down the aisle with would, hoping i would acknowledge his presence cause we are new friends, but here i am with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with all of my family, tired and just want to take a shower, give him the cold shoulder hi, the i don't really know you that well and you are seeing me when i'm at my worst and i'm in no mood to be nice but i can't be mean, you didn't do anything to me, i have to walk down the aisle with you in 34 hours. hi. mark. then daniel hugs me and apologizes to me and now things are better? after my three.5 years of studying communication at westmont, i know that's not how things work. we have to talk about this and build golden bridges and go to the balcony (thanks dr. dunn). oh but wait, you say he's getting married? when is that? oh on sunday. you mean, this sunday? yes, this sunday, in 34 hours. oh 34 hours? yes. well that puts a damper on things. what's a damper? i don't know, i've just heard it before. great, what are you going to do?

Head. Shut Up. You are the reason I can't sleep right now. You are keeping me awake. You are asking these questions that you already know the answers to. I can't do anything. I should put on a pretty smile today at the rehearsal (in five.5 hours). My family will be there and her family will be there. This is Daniel's big day and I do not need to ruin it by being sour.

But Voice, when are you going to talk about things with Daniel?

ugh. i don't know. this is the next series of events for daniel: rehearsal, wedding ceremony, reception, honeymoon, move to visalia. time to have this conversation? no, not really. looks like i have to bring it up with him when he gets back on the 17th. or sometime after that when i am in visalia (no trip planned anytime soon). oh but he will be married now. that means it's practically her conversation too. am i ready for that? everything is theirs and not his anymore. am i ready to lose my brother in this way? to gain autumn in this way? i don't think i will ever be ready, it just happens. just like when adam will get married to jenn in june. and carter will get married to courtney sometime soon. but courtney's been around for 6 years, i've already lost him and gained her. the answer is time? time. but maybe i shouldn't think of my brothers and their wives as losses and gains...that reminds me of debits and credits from accounting class. i can't believe i got b+ in accounting. someone once told me that you are never ready for marriage and you are never ready for babies, they both just happen. if we waited until we were ready for things like babies, we would be 52 or something.

oh. well. get over yourself emily. really, just get over it. die to your pride. die to your pride. die to your pride.

my eyes are heavy. i need to sleep. i want. to sleep.

bonnie raitt and a stupidspacebar

To be honest, I have no idea if anyone is readingthis. I just downloaded Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" and I think I will spend that $20 Barnes & Noble card onher greatest hits cd. Jonny Rea tells me buying Greatest Hits albums is lame, I agree with him, but I can't afford all of her cds. Myspace bar sucks, by the way. I took itinto the applestore toget it fixed and it actuallyturned out worse. Brilliant.

"Processing" mysemester in Florence isn't going to be some sit down-thinkabout it-journal 30 pages type thing. Stop laughing at me because I thought this. I already feel dumb for thinking this. It will just happen, let it go Emily. Let's write about December22: probablymy worst day of 2005. I survived my first anxiety attack, heard some awful news, and crashed my mom's car. Yes, all in one day. My mom has been suffering from horrible back pain and Kaiser called saying the spine clinic could get her in, so I drove her. Sitting in the doctor's office and hearing what he had to say caused my anxiety attack...I was dizzy, sweating profusely, extremely thirsty and it was beginning to be hard to breath. What the doctor said: my mom has a cyst on her spine along with 2 crushed discs. On our way home, it was raining and I managed to rear end the BMW in front of me, damaging only my mom's car. Yeah, it was a fantastic day. But it ended well, as I traveled to Modesto to visit Chase and Lisa Armour. A long awaited visit was well worth it. Hey I think I fixed my space bar!!!

Music worth listening to:
1. Ben Taylor's new CD "Another Run Around the Sun"
2. Nick Drake's CD "Pink Moon"

The most commonly asked question: What do you miss most about Florence?
My common, overly stated, time to come up with a new answer, answer (but it's true!): The history. No, I didn't study the history while I was there but being able to walk around a city that has been around for hundreds of years was a privilege. And, I miss the extremely fresh food. Don't you wonder why the bread lasts more than a week here? That's not normal. Preservatives.

I rewatched the Interpreter on Christmas. (Who does that?) Because I wasn't in the movie theater, I had a chance to pause, grab a pen and write down some key lines that I think should be repeated and repeated through out history: "Vengeance is a lazy form of grief." and "Words and compassion are the only way, even if it’s slower than a gun." Thanks Nicole Kidman for those wise words of truth.

Cole Ambler got married on New Year's Eve, which brought me out to Colorado. It wasn't cold in Colorado. Weird. I wanted it to be cold. The wedding was fun. Wow, what an adjective. Umm, good food, good friends, and a reunion of the Urban House from 2 years ago. I'm glad I went.

TV worth watching:
1. The food network
2. Game show Network

Second most commonly asked question: What are you going to do next?
My answer: Leave me alone. Okay, I don't really say that. But that's what comes to my mind. In my family (like most others, I'm sure) after college, you go find a career or go back for some more school. "What if I don't want that (right now)?" I ask... then my mom reminds me of my choice in colleges 4 years ago and also of my 50,000 dollars in loans that I have managed to accrue. Is that the right word? Ahhh, young grasshopper, yes, a career would help get rid of those loans or more education will stop you from paying those loans and increase the amount. Oh which do I choose? My favorite part was getting an article from my mom, "How to slash your debt from $50,000 to zero." Lalalallala. I can't hear you! Let's pretend I don't have loans. Now which do I choose? Moment of truth: Neither. Moment of Truth: Jesus. I have this brother, who some would call crazy, but I like to think of him as radical and awesome. My brother is getting married on Sunday, 4 days and a wake up away, and he works at the Olive Garden and his soon to be wife will teach piano and voice. They are moving to Visalia from San Diego. All worldly odds are against them. They want to have babies (not just 3 or 4). They have no money. They have no insurance. They have no education. What do they have? Faith. Not just any faith, but faith in a God that has provided every need for them. They weren't made for education. They are worshippers with faith that hasn't failed them. Daniel's heart is Revival. I believe him, let's watch his visions unfold before the world. He is so different- he is the follower of Jesus that I want to be like. More to come on my crazy brother... And about my loans, I'm going to worry more about my faith.

After Daniel's wedding I will head to Camarillo to live with my dad for a bit. I will travel to Santa Barbara often and graduate on May 6. Mark your calendars, May 6. In the mean time, I will take a Nutrition course online and TA for 061 at Westmont. I'll find some job and save my money spending some along the way on music. I'll probably finish the third season of the West Wing, start the fourth and realize that I am one of the people on my brother's heart for revival. One day at a time, huh?