it is 4:17 am

i have been up since 3:05. more than an hour. can't sleep. how come we can divorce spouses but we can't divorce our families? ok, i don't really want that. i love my family- i just don't like some of them right now.

daniel and i got to fighting yesterday and then i droped him off. after two.5 hours of driving to the airport to get adam and then picking up daniel's friend... i finally got back. and mark (autumn's brother...autumn is daniel's fiancé) said hi to me and he said it like the nice 17 year old boy that i have to walk down the aisle with would, hoping i would acknowledge his presence cause we are new friends, but here i am with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with all of my family, tired and just want to take a shower, give him the cold shoulder hi, the i don't really know you that well and you are seeing me when i'm at my worst and i'm in no mood to be nice but i can't be mean, you didn't do anything to me, i have to walk down the aisle with you in 34 hours. hi. mark. then daniel hugs me and apologizes to me and now things are better? after my three.5 years of studying communication at westmont, i know that's not how things work. we have to talk about this and build golden bridges and go to the balcony (thanks dr. dunn). oh but wait, you say he's getting married? when is that? oh on sunday. you mean, this sunday? yes, this sunday, in 34 hours. oh 34 hours? yes. well that puts a damper on things. what's a damper? i don't know, i've just heard it before. great, what are you going to do?

Head. Shut Up. You are the reason I can't sleep right now. You are keeping me awake. You are asking these questions that you already know the answers to. I can't do anything. I should put on a pretty smile today at the rehearsal (in five.5 hours). My family will be there and her family will be there. This is Daniel's big day and I do not need to ruin it by being sour.

But Voice, when are you going to talk about things with Daniel?

ugh. i don't know. this is the next series of events for daniel: rehearsal, wedding ceremony, reception, honeymoon, move to visalia. time to have this conversation? no, not really. looks like i have to bring it up with him when he gets back on the 17th. or sometime after that when i am in visalia (no trip planned anytime soon). oh but he will be married now. that means it's practically her conversation too. am i ready for that? everything is theirs and not his anymore. am i ready to lose my brother in this way? to gain autumn in this way? i don't think i will ever be ready, it just happens. just like when adam will get married to jenn in june. and carter will get married to courtney sometime soon. but courtney's been around for 6 years, i've already lost him and gained her. the answer is time? time. but maybe i shouldn't think of my brothers and their wives as losses and gains...that reminds me of debits and credits from accounting class. i can't believe i got b+ in accounting. someone once told me that you are never ready for marriage and you are never ready for babies, they both just happen. if we waited until we were ready for things like babies, we would be 52 or something.

oh. well. get over yourself emily. really, just get over it. die to your pride. die to your pride. die to your pride.

my eyes are heavy. i need to sleep. i want. to sleep.