realization!

when i admire someone or am in the presence of someone who i have a deep longing to learn from, i shut up. i can't talk. and it's not that i just want to listen because they have so much to say, it is more of me not knowing how to make conversation. i am not exactly "comfortable." this happens a lot to me. i'm not sure if i am intimidated or just nervous because i am going to say the wrong thing and they will think i am stupid, or clearly not as wise as they are. [ahh, fear of man.] i was just faced with this realization as i am writing a friend an email, explaining the somewhat awkward silence that sometimes occurs in our interactions. and then i thought, "wow, this happens a lot with me. a pattern. interesting."

so when i am with you and i lack words, it is because you are admired. maybe.