change.

we don't like it; we fear it. but we can't stop it from coming. we either adapt to change or we get left behind. it hurts to grow. anyone who tells you it doesn't is lying. but here's the truth: sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. and sometimes, oh sometimes, change is good. sometimes change is everything.

(thanks meredith)

emma elizabeth = darling.

spent the morning with emma. so cute.

have you seen the old navy commercial? it's pretty lame but the music is good. if you want to know who is singing the song, her name is ingrid michaelson and she's pretty great; i'm enjoying the whole cd.

secret sender?

the concert last night was good and okay. i love love loved elvis perkins- so talented. however, i'm not much of a fan of clap your hands say yeah. i'm just not. plus i was exhausted and couldn't see that well. the life of a shorter person.

who are you, person that secretly sent me an article and site on capital punishment? thanks for doing that, but it's kind of weird that you sent those with out saying who you are. should i take my email address off this thing? regarding the article- the map at the bottom caused me to get pretty teary eyed. firing squad? hanging? damnit. the good news is that this case might not change anything, but it will postpone things.

lighter subject: grey's anatomy at 9pm. tonight. i'm thrilled.

oh sam, oh sam.

sam beam (of iron and wine) released another album today. hallelujah. harp did a great write-up on sam, iron and wine, and the new cd- the shepherd's dog. buy it today, you won't regret it.

monday monday monday.

it was long run monday. jordan and i started running at 6:30am and did three miles. my body is sore and our time was slow- all my fault. i think i ate something weird the day before, or maybe it was too much soy? all that to say, running was not something my body wanted. but we finished.

i took the students to the giants game- so fun, as usual. after, a few of the (over 21) students wanted to buy me a birthday drink. between the drink and coming home, somehow i left with the bartender's number and i'm supposed to call him on wednesday. seriously?

modified vegetarian.

san francisco really is getting the best of me. oh shit. i think i just became a modified* vegetarian. i just learned, or started listening to, the following facts:

fact 1: more than half of all the water consumed in the us is used to raise animals for food. a vegetarian diet requires 300 gallons of water per day, while a meat-eating diet requires more than 4,000 gallons.

fact 2: raising animals for food requires more than one-third of all raw materials and fossil fuels in the us.

fact 3: 1.1 billion people on earth do not have safe drinking water. unicef would love to tell you all about it.

there is tension inside me. how can i act and live with compassion in regard to those who are hungry, THIRSTY, lonely, naked, or in prison? i never thought i would do this. and i still wonder, does little old me not eating meat really make a difference in the amount of water/energy used? or the pollution created? do i really believe that i am helping someone else? or making this earth a better place? i'll have to find out.

*i write modified because 1. this isn't about the animals or the treatment of them (i think of myself as compassionate, but here's my honesty: i don't care that much about cows.) 2. this is more about the shit (sometimes literally: a USDA study found that 98 percent of broiler chicken carcasses had detectable levels of e.coli, indicating fecal contamination) that i put in my body and 3. it's about asking myself what i can do to be a better steward of the environment to help with water, energy and pollution. i believe there is a direct correlation with these things to what goes into my body.

wow, this will be a new journey.

finally.

i went to a work shop titled, entering the kingdom. it was pretty incredible as we explored mark 1:15. reImagine did a great job of helping me re-think what it is i say i believe and what it is that i actually believe. more to come on this topic later.

after the workshop we headed over to holly sharp's art show- loved it, "without the space within". thanks holly for sharing this deeply moving art with me. holly and her husband, ryan, are about to go on tour with their band, the cobalt season, and their 1 year old son, paxton. [i write this like i know holly and ryan, but really, i just met them a few hours ago and i have a huge friendship crush on them.]

today's new friends include: lisette (first year med student at ucsf, who, for the record, says that grey's anatomy is not that far off, AND! she said i can take a tour of the anatomy lab where she is currently working with more than 30 cadavers! [wow! ewww?]), and elaine & tom (they just moved to the us from oxford-- tom works for lucas arts doing sound effects for video games and elaine is looking for pr/com work. both so cool [love the accents]). we are all new at seven (the community of people that i have been spending more and more time with lately) and look forward to enjoying this community/journey together.

finally, i'm .t.w.e.n.t.y.t.h.r.e.e. [thank God.] thanks for the phone calls people, but know that i don't answer my phone on my birthday (unless you're sarah taylor, apparently) but i loved the messages. it's funny when you don't say who you are and i'm trying to guess. i am a little bummed because the one person i wanted to remember my birthday isn't going to remember. damn you.

this is what i wrote in my journal today: i am so thrilled to be twentythree. it is a nice round number that makes you feel more in the "twenties." twentythree things i love include, but aren't limited to: emma, oragami cranes, photobooth photos of my parents from when they were married, conversations pertaining to race and culture, tap water, heart monitors while running, billy collins poetry, fresh basil, composting, my je t'aime & shoe necklace, being bad at photography but not giving up, the way tears are brought to my eyes so easily, being an enfj, 301 lyon street, crocheting blankets for my family, my fireplace, english breakfast tea, funfetti cake with the funfetti frosting, wearing my wellies in the rain, a family who accepts me and doesn't want to change me, studying mft, burmese mountain dogs, and a God who continues to show me God's kingdom in this place called san francisco.

by the way, my hair is dark again and i love it.

test day.

2 miles yesterday was a bit harder than the day before. the muscles right above my hip bones are sore... what are those muscles called, carissa? lori?

today's quote: that which matters the least should never give way to that which matters the most.

about to have coffee with rusty. do you know rusty? if you don't-- you wish you did. if i had to point to one person in the world who knows how to do life and just gets it, it would be rusty. i would say, hands down, the wisest person i know.

first test in grad school today. uhh... erikson and freud weren't so much my cup of tea-- they taste like something bitter. i prefer english breakfast with a bit of milk and sugar, or the cognitive behavioral theory.

anti-white? what?

yesterday someone told me i was anti-white. i thought that was funny. then i kept thinking: i guess that's better than being anti-any other race. for the record, i don't think i really am anti-white; however, if you want to get me fired up, ask me how i feel about white privilege.

if you didn't know, i read other people's blogs. my friend anna says i probably have a pseudo relationship with blogs, like hers and his and hers and his. this is probably true, anna. i do have a pseudo relationship with blogs (thanks michele and dana for introducing me to pseudo relationships!) all this to say, today this was posted on seth godin's blog:

"When I was in college, a local human rights group posted up signs around campus one Monday. They read:

On Wednesday
Wear Blue Jeans
If You Are Gay

This is brilliant marketing. On Wednesday morning, you needed to have a discussion with yourself. "Should I wear jeans?... if I'm in the closet... or if I'm supportive of the quest for rights... or if I don't want to stand out... what will it mean if I don't wear jeans? Or if I wear jeans and didn't know about the sign..."

This, of course, was precisely the point. It started internal debate which led, all day, to spoken discussion. Which raised the issue.

A huge amount of marketing is about "in" or ignore. This is about "in" or "out." By forcing people to make a choice, they created a conversation.

Check out what happened in Nova Scotia last week."

interesting how so many different points of my life are intersecting in regard to race and ethnicity. cool.

elvis in my ears.

clap your hands say yeah and ELVIS PERKINS are coming to the independent next tuesday AND wednesday!!! hello! elvis the cat was named after this man. i'm so excited.

by the way, if you live in san diego you will want to buy your tickets to go see iron and wine on nov 27-- they go on sale this saturday. wish i could go.

a knight and a princess?

here is emma, showing me what she's going to be for halloween. love it. love her. seriously, today she colored while i read for lifespan. what a trooper. "emma, what are you coloring?" "bunny" clearly, with out thinking, i responded: "what noise do bunnies make?" using her two year old mind, she replied: "hop."

i might have found a new community to be a part of... it's really interesting because it's not something where you show up on sunday and that's it... which is okay for some people, though it's been hard for me in the last five years. this is a place where you are forced to know and be known, to love and be loved. intense. but, really, just the way it was meant to be?

today's quote: coke, pepsi and all other pops* will be known as the cigarettes of the future. colas are NOT a substitute for water. they are just another cheap drug made to look great by advertising. [*clearly the author of the quote is not from california: pop?!]

two miles tonight.

trying some new things.

like a new "church" today. i don't know that they would call themselves a church, more of a community.

like training for a half marathon starting tomorrow. have you ever been to lululemon? a little pricey, but great product.

like studying for a test five days in advance.


quote for today: your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.

it was too good to be true.

i'm so sorry that this day had to come. it turns out they aren't as cool as i thought they were. i don't mean all of them when i refer to them as they, just a few of them. anyway. we have a simple rule for how to have guests at the urban house: email me 48 hours in advance asking for permission. based on certain criteria, i write you back granting you permission and explaining specific rules that we have. i've never denied someone. ever. so just write me the damn email and let me write you back. but no. you had to have them with out the email. everyone else follows the rules. but you don't. and now you're letting them eat the house food (breaking rule #2). and by the way, i have a number of other things to talk to you about. where in this process did you start to believe that the rules in the house didn't apply to you? or for that matter, federal rules? (you did know that drinking under the age of 21 is a crime, right? and using someone else's id is also not okay. losing the id is mean, too.) also, asking me these types of questions is really lame: "why do you get to bring someone and i can't? why can your friends eat house food and mine can't? why? why? why?"

if this is what it's like to have children then count me out.

should i really have to explain myself to this person? should i really have to spell out the fact that i'm on staff and this person is a student? or maybe i'm totally wrong? maybe i should follow the same rules the students have to follow? in the mean time, how can i gracefully and patiently show this person that their sense of entitlement is not okay? this might have something to do with paying for an expensive Westmont education. oh God, help.

by the way, my favorite conversation of the night, said in all seriousness: "hey ____, do you want to come to church with me tomorrow?" ____ says: "i don't do organized religion or church on sundays. i've been to the middle east." thanks, dr. fisk for changing the thought process of students. however, thank you God for helping me to think carefully and choose my words wisely as i revealed my own cynisism to this person. it was fun to hear ____ change their answer to: "i'm being stretched and challenged in a new direction because of my time in the middle east. i'm still trying to process western/american churches and what it means for me in my own life so i would rather not go tomorrow." much better.

std's.

my dear friend lori lester is visiting. if you know her, you are so jealous that we are together. [so sorry!] anyway, we had the task of finding flea powder to put on my carpet last night. elvis moved out a long time ago, but he might have left some friends behind that just hatched. [yuck.] all that to say, lori said: this has got to be what it's like breaking up with a guy who leaves you with an std. yeah, thanks elvis, for the std's.

this is why...

...I love San Francisco: this city brings true meaning to the words "equal opportunity*." I was watching the news last night and Theresa Sparks was being interviewed and I was curious to find out more information about her...so using my Wiki skills, I was successful. Fabulous! I am proud to be a resident where gender and sexual orientation don't get in the way of ability and leadership. (*unlike some institutions that I know of and care deeply about.)

counseling the culturally diverse.

"Unintentional behavior is perhaps the most insidious form of racism. Unintentional racists are unaware of the harmful consequences of their behavior. They may be well-intentioned, and on the surface, their behavior may appear to be responsible. Because individuals, groups, or institutions that engage in unintentional racism do not wish to do harm, it is difficult to get them to see themselves as racists. They are more likely to deny their racism... The major challenge facing counselors is to overcome unintentional racism and provide more equitable service delivery." (Ridley, 1995, p. 38)

and that's a big challenge.

"follow through with the racket over your shoulder!"

had my first tennis lesson yesterday. loved it. my teacher says i have hope for the sport. that's right.

took tues, weds and thurs off at work- love paid time off. fri will be my last day and then i will work 10 hours a week doing random stuff.

still have a head cold. took a nap today, woke up and thought it was tomorrow. ha.

almost all the students have internships- they are happier when they have internships, so that's good.

i get to see theresa the personal trainer tomorrow. she is going to kick my butt. half marathon training starts on monday.

my myers briggs letters say enfj's make good personal counselors. yes! thanks for the affirmation mr. myers and mr. briggs!

eleven and a half hours of sleep.

i have a terrible headache. i went to bed at 8:30 last night and i just woke up at 8. nice. i think it's from the walk yesterday-- a group from reimagine took the students on a tour of the city... not the cheesey kind, though. it was actually really helpful and beautiful. they asked the students to be consistently praying five prayers on their walk from potrero hill, through the mission district, down to the castro, over to the tenderloin and to our final destination on van ness. anyway, i think my headache is from walking for 6 hours with out that much water. the students loved the walk and were really receptive and open to what mark scandrette had to offer.

i have so much to do today: 5 chapters of reading, tennis lesson, photos in storage with adam, change the white board, etc etc. better go start on something.

okkervil river is worth your time.

today in lifespan development, dr. goodell said: the average high school graduate spends more time in front of the tv than in the classroom; who really is the teacher? my response: we better do something about what's on or turn it off.

just got back from the okkervil river show; damien jurado opened- both were real good. definitely impressed. love love love "westfall" by okkervil and also "kansas city".

more kid and baby photos to come as we cleaned out our storage unit and are scanning old photos so we can trash the prints. fun!

i miss riley and samuel. lovebugs.

elvis has a new home! once i got him out of the pound he went to a temporary home and now finally he can relax with a nice teenage girl who took him from there-- she lives in mill valley so the kitten is living the high life. brilliant.

apparently i liked to be naked on trains.

one more movie...

diana, heather and i went to see "once" this afternoon. holy cow, it was a music lover's dream. not only were all the songs written by the two main characters, but the story was perfect. i loved the realistic component of the whole thing: it doesn't end the way you want it to end, it ends the way it should end. thank you, pop culture, for creating this beautiful piece.

boys don't cry.

well, actually they do, but i'm referring to the movie that hilary swank won an oscar for back in 1999. i will never watch it again, once was enough. however, as disturbing as it was, it is a film based on a true story that needed to be made. hats off to hilary.