gratitude for being back.

there's a lot of newness around me: glasses, apartments, soup skills, immersion blenders, experiences like straightening my hair in a starbucks, curtains, blisters, running shoes, eighth and ninth grade girls, yoga poses, apple peeler corer slicers, pt stretches, etc.

and i had a realization about all of this newness-- i am done talking and whining and writing and crying and watching and controlling and hurting about the last twelve to eighteenish months. i am finally done. because as all of these new things come, the old things seem to diminish, little by little each day.

i've been looking at the process (not so much the content), owning it, making a change and moving forward. and also recognizing the continued poor choices and reminding myself, "it's not about me." (it might have been at one point, but it's not any more.) and taking responsibility for my actions, for what was a bittersweet time and finally, finally having the pleasure of sitting on the other side, literally thanking God that i can breathe again, feel like myself again, and be full of joy. how i've longed to feel joy again; real, true joy.

getting to the other side of this valley has meant things like making a flourless chocolate cake late on a friday night and being okay with it not tasting amazing. or picking the pair that is safe instead of edgy at the seventh glasses shop. and taking risks and putting myself out there, even for not-so-great sushi and funny social experiments. it's meant telling friends when feelings are hurt so i prevent myself from being passive aggressive in the future. and stopping mandy on the street corner, just so i can pause her voices for six seconds and remind her to get oatmeal the next morning. it's meant therapy and therapy and a little more therapy. and frequent calls to family members just to check-in about this and that and laugh about the infamous taxi driver. and it's meant letters and cards and texts and hellos and i love yous and hugs and baked goods and being meticulous about my eyebrows and loving my light blue twin sized bed and saying yes to painting my nails until they are just right and making every effort to not work more than forty four and dreaming about how the community around me can adopt my clients, or just adopt in general, and while running, it's meant repeating over and over and over again, "i will run and not grow weary."

ultimately, back to being myself has meant being a little less selfish. as a friend of a friend would say, "i am happiest when my life isn't about me." this is a life worth contributing to.