school could be closer than i think.

"what? you mean the mft program at usf doesn't just start in january? it starts in august, as well? are you kidding me? [pause] i need to decide by july 15? ohh. okay. well i'll get back to you. thanks." this was my conversation with someone in the psychology counseling program at usf. okay this changes things a bit.

my loneliness + your loneliness = dinner, movies and sasha the cat.

listening: elvis perkins. [in love with your lyrics]
reading: the whole world over, julia glass. [it's for book club]
thinking: should i start the program at usf? [excited]
missing: emma. [more than i know]
wanting: to hang out with dan & dillon. [move close to me, please]
excited: for carter and courtney's wedding. [dancing with my family!]
watching: ratatouille. [cute!]
drinking: jamba juice [new cups and lids... going green, are we?]

thoughts all over the place...

what i learned today: wash but don't dry linen. what were meant for heels are now meant for flats. damn.

my mom always sends me eye make up remover in the mail. sounds weird, but we found the ultimate eye make up remover and we've used it for the past 9 years. since i've been in college, that's always been something i could find in the mail from my mom. she's having a hard time right now. i can tell because i had to go buy my own eye make up remover. maybe i will send her some.

sara and i had dinner at pluto's. so good to see her and catch up. she wants us to move to the marina next year. i can't afford it, girl!

still listening to clem snide.

shonna comes in a few days- yeah!

i wish i had a post office closer to me. i'm sure i would send a lot more mail if it lived near by.

today my co-worker (you know, the one who thinks she's my boss) called me puppy and darling. i guess they are terms of endearment, but seriously, that is not okay. i told her to stop. i told her to relax. i told her it will all work out.

i taught the training class today; no fun with out class interaction.

i need a boss. pronto.

things usually move real fast at my retail job. as in, my boss' last day was yesterday and they would like to have someone in by friday. i'm not sure if that will be the case, but i hope so cause i'm really needing a boss. it's like this: my co-worker has taken on the role of being my boss. yes, she has been in her position longer than me and yes she knows more about everything in our role than i do. but she's not my boss. she's just not. and she is starting to treat me like she is. today she said "no overtime. leave 12 minutes early!" and "you need to teach the class tomorrow because i have too much to do" (because i didn't have anything to do) and "you need to run this report and do that" and blah blah blah. i know what to do. i am competent. don't take on everything and pretend like you can do it and not ask me for help. don't.be.ridiculous. r.e.l.a.x.

aunty em, again.

today at 3:06 i became an aunt times two. as in, another brother's wife had a baby, making him my second nephew. samuel john is a little guy, but he's healthy. yeah!

apricots.

i went to modesto to hang out with my dear friend, lisa. she's trying to figure out why we drove to the ranch when the apricot trays were already set out to dry (she wasn't really happy about it).

more importantly, i had my first apricot today. i don't know, i've just never had one before [strange]. i guess they've never been around. i totally discriminate against fuzzy fruits- i generally don't buy them. anyway, a lot of one item is definitely one of my favorite things to shoot.

overall: modesto was totally worth it, seeing lisa and just hanging out. a deep friendship that is real important to me.

the things i hear.

two comments i've heard in the last 24 hours that made me laugh:

"your face is symmetrical on both sides. that must be nice."

"you're a contradiction if i've ever met one. you are the definition of enigma." [good.]

so alert!

family dinner on wednesday night; sorry that we had to get together on such sad terms. though we all did our fair share of pass the baby.

tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

i'm so tired. didn't get that much sleep last night and the painters are making SO much noise.

today: gyming, laundry, doctor, dinner @ adam & jenn's.

firsts=fun.

reminder.

what happens in/to my family is not a reflection of me. right?

'your favorite music' lyrics.

clem snide sings:

your favorite music, well it just makes you sad.
your favorite music, well it just makes you sad.

but you like it. cause you feel special that way.
you feel special that you're like no one else.
and you feel special that you're like no one else.

but then you're lonely.
and you need someone to help.
but then you're lonely and you need someone to help.

and i can't teach you to learn to love yourself.
i can't teach you to learn to love yourself.

but here's a sad song that i wrote for no one else.
but here's a sad song that i wrote for no one else.

[children laughing].

"your receipt is in the bag. have a good afternoon!"

rang the sale; had a lot of fun. men's shoes is really the place to be for a single female like myself.

hung out with him tonight (the him who informally rejected me); i read the first chapter and i don't want to read anymore. i would rather just keep him on the shelf with the rest of my books, oppose to donating him to the library. i think we might work together come september? we'll see. all that to say, he is totally fun and i can't wait to hang out again, but not in the romantic way. what probably happened is that the attention he gave me filled some sort of void of loneliness. the good news: i win! a new friend who has wisdom beyond my years, literally.

my boss put in her two weeks. i.am.so.sad. work life with out her will be so weird. but i got the invite to the book club, so i know our relationship isn't over. yessss.

listening to my new favorite band: clem snide.

informally rejected.

this evening started bad and ended good:

7:18pm
[casually] i say: "we should hang out. grab some food." (totally putting myself out there-- i don't ever do that.)
"i'm really tired, but we are going to hang out soon. i'm going to make you dinner." (punk. you've totally led me on for the last month and you keep saying we're going to hang out, but now you're tired? well, i guess you did work a 13 hour day.)

8:02pm
"emily, come to the fondue party. i'm sure we'll end up talking about politics and gay marriage."
"love it. i'm there."
reality: the evening turned out to be just that.

today's quotes.

"i think the hanky panky gnome only steals purple ones. bastard."

"emily, you should make a list of questions to ask your future spouse in pre-marital counseling. make sure it includes, 'are you gay?'"

oh tuesday.

-my last hpv shot... cervical cancer free for five years (at least?). weird to think that i have dead hpv inside me. ew.
-hung out with my dear friend, chelsea, whose car i hosted while she was in chicago. chels is pretty incredible.
-gymed with theresa. i asked about her upside down cross tatoo and she told me organized religion is the root of all evil. [no response.] then i asked her if she's been burned by christians? she said yes.
-got new stamps on union street. love the stamps. love that street.
-the pursuit of happyness in forty-seven minutes.
-read an article by ryan anderson (first things dot com) on product red... buy less crap instead?

part of the article:
Buying overpriced luxury items—the true meaning of the Parable of the Good-Looking Samaritan. Anyway, it’s been a year now, and the results seem poor. Unhappy with the Advertising Age report, the CEO of (RED) issued a public response. It makes some valid points: The money was going to be spent on product advertising anyway, so we might as well raise awareness about AIDS in Africa and raise some money at the same time. Certainly the sick in Africa aren’t sneering at the $18 million. For many, it has been the difference between life and death.

But there is something wrongheaded—even repulsive—about the approach. Turning the life-and-death plight of an entire continent into just another advertising strategy. Making charitable giving a matter of satisfying consumerist desires. Attempting to solve African need by Western greed.

It reminded me of one of Bono’s earlier endeavors: the ONE Campaign. Bono titled this “the campaign to make poverty history.” Its strategy was simply to rally Americans to call upon President Bush to allocate one additional percentage point of the U.S. budget to fighting extreme poverty across the globe.

Surprisingly, they never ask for any direct contributions: “ONE isn’t asking for your money, we’re asking for your voice. ONE does not accept donations. Instead, we hope that you’ll take action with ONE by contacting Congress, the President and other elected officials and ask them to do even more to fight global AIDS and extreme poverty. We encourage you to sign the ONE declaration and help by spreading the word about the ONE Campaign by talking about it with your friends, family and co-workers. Additionally, you can show your community that you support ONE by purchasing ONE merchandise on our website.”

Just sign our petition! Just call President Bush! Wear our wristband! That’s all it takes to make poverty history! You don’t even need to give a dime!

What a bizarre method. Why not appeal to our consciences directly and ask every American to donate 1 percent of our personal budget to the poverty-fighting charity of our choice? The ONE Campaign made significant inroads with the religious communities—having them demand more from the government. Why not ask for a tithe? Why not call for personal contributions instead of political noise-making?

But that would require sacrifice. And that wouldn’t sell. Nor would it be trendy. It’s so much easier to say we can fight AIDS by buying Armani and Gap. It’s so much easier to say we’ll end world poverty by telling Congress to do something about it. My “good-looking” “fine self” sleeps so much better at night knowing that my (RED) purchase has bought pills for someone in Africa, that my signature on the ONE declaration means I’ve done my part.

Many people got fed up with this. They thought it was just an attempt to ease our consciences about being so well off. To give until it feels good, not until it hurts. Anderson also links BuyLessCrap.org. Though their approach is a greatly improved approach to the glam-clad RED campaign, Anderson notes the weakness of their approach as well:

Giving money will never be the focus of the real solution. This simplistic view assumes that Africa’s only ailment is material lack. But this is to mistake the symptom for the cause. A materialistic understanding of the causes of poverty—at home and abroad—will never suffice. Real answers need to address culture and its institutions.

s.b.s.

happy birthday, shonna beth. i love you.

my name..

...is so popular! i've met other katz people but i've never met another emily katz. well, i guess i still haven't met her/them. today i googled myself and the first thing that came up was emilykatz.com. this emily katz is an artist who creates sustainable fashion and great art. love it.

i also learned that the late pope john paul's (II) mother's name was emily katz. does that make the pope jewish? i sure hope so.

work.

dillon is back. we had dinner and some good conversation. i haven't been teary eyed in a while, but he asked me standard questions that don't always get asked; have you ever noticed that when you ask me a question, i change the subject? i don't want to talk about me. i don't want to let you in. i don't want you to know me. i will dance around the answer, but you never really know me. you think you do, but you probably don't. well, you might?

i've always known this, but i am just now facing it: i love to work. what's the big deal, emily? well, nothing yet. but in the future, this could be a very big deal. actually, i take it back. this could be a very big deal right now. i don't care how tired i am, or how much i have going on outside of my work life, i love to be at work. i love the feeling of getting things done and pleasing my supervisor. i love the feeling of being better than the person before me or having increases. i love being a perfectionist. i love being taught something new and then going on to discover more about it on my own. i love being recognized privately (never publicly, no thanks). i would rather work than play, most times. i don't stop until it's done right. i can't help it.

.this.is.a.problem.

this workaholic thing relates to a whole other issue that isn't ready to surface on the internet. but for now, i am going to bed so i can get up and go to work. surprised?

lil tid bits.

i am so compulsive. i heard this one song that i liked (two o'clock in the morning by swati) and before even testing the rest of the songs, i bought the whole thing. ten bucks down the drain cause the majority of the cd sucks and it's something i would not normally buy. she has an incredible voice but the lyrics hurt my ears. damnit.

a great line by rob lowe in brothers&sisters: someday you will realize that taking care of people is not masculine or feminine, it's a privilege and an honor. politics is about that privilege and honor.. of making certain that the weak are protected, poor are sheltered, and hungry fed.

the half yearly sale has me working this weekend... it'll keep me busy.

i miss emma, terribly.

thinking of you, ll, as you sit in grief and sadness.

time.

"It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation, not merely for the vitriolic words of the bad people and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around the say, ‘Wait on time.’ Somehow we must come to see that social progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and the persistent work of dedicated individuals, and without that hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the primitive forces of social stagnation. So we must help time. We must realize that the time is always ripe to do right."

thanks, mlk.

winner!

solve the puzzle.. and he takes me out to dinner. um, i solved the puzzle. yessssss. i win. am i being pursued? good thing i've learned something from my recent experiences/mistakes.

reading: the secret, bird by bird, communication arts magazine
eating: rice cakes w/ hummus, mint skinny cows, turkey chili
hoping: i won't be going to goo goo dolls by myself
listening: blonde redhead, maroon5, colbie caillat
hurting: my arms, theresa the trainer is a hard ass.
making: c&c's blanket and stationary
watching: the departed, brothers&sisters (addicted)
missing: renee and others, i'm sure.

this weekend in san diego i was re-inspired to do some more event coordinating. and then... i get an email asking me what i charge and if i can do a wedding in december. what do i charge? heck i don't know.

the scaffolding went up around the house today. they will be power washing and painting for the next month. i don't have curtains on my windows! naked + painters = yikes.

wedding shower photos.

my "cool" aunt, sarah, and me:

my mom's details and some of the best wine i've ever tasted:

me and the soon to be bride, courtney:

rad napkins that c&c registered for:

showers, seattle, and a finished book.

my weekend in san diego was relaxing. my mom throws incredible showers... wedding shower for courtney this weekend, baby shower for jenn two weekends prior. it would be a huge loss to be a part of my family and choose not to get to know my mother (intentional jab?)

carter and i did not get to go fishing. i repeat, we did not get to go fishing. i just need to stop expecting to be able to go and maybe one day we'll go?

today in church i was thinking about what my life could be like in seattle, probably about one year from now. a feeling overwhelmed me, like how i feel when there is a seat open for me on muni after a long day of standing in heels on marble floors. i was so content. everything i imagined-- getting there, living with kristy and sarah, working, schooling, crying, churching, playing, laughing, eating, loving, exercising, relaxing-- all of it. so much will be hard and so little easy, but i want it.

i finished traveling mercies. finally. i have been reading that book for the past two years. i haven't finished a book in a couple months.. but i have started about four in the last five weeks!