i tried to quit.

i walked into my assistant store manager's office where he told me i could quit my job but i couldn't leave the company. [is this slavery?] he asked me what he could do for me and i said: i can't work 40 hours a week, live with students and go to grad school full time. i mean, i could, i just don't want to. i think i bit off more than i can chew. and now my mouth is really full. he said: how about a job where you pick your hours and your days? i said: depending what it is, that could be good. but i can only work 10-15 hours a week. he said: no problem, i will figure something out and let you know by tuesday.

i'm hoping i get to sleep in on wednesday.

side note: seriously, these students rock. i'm already confused about where they're hiding the pain in the ass and the trouble maker.

new students.

the students are here and they are pretty amazing. it feels different this semester because i am further removed from them (ie: i didn't know very many of them before they came, they are all at least two grades younger than me, etc etc). plus, i know the city better than i did in fall06 or even spring07. all of this makes me feel older.

speaking of older. it's almost time to be 23. i am done with 22.

i get to pick up elvis tomorrow. bummer that he doesn't get to come home with me but it's good that he is going to a home where i know he will be loved (a friend of a friend).

by the way: i just need to be validated by someone who doesn't benefit from me quiting my job.

redeemed?

today i paid a redemption fee and get to pick elvis up on thursday or friday; a friend of a friend will take him and i get to see him whenever i want. it still sucks, but it's better than being euthanized.

i'm so devastated.

I had no choice but to bring Elvis to the Animal Care and Control Center tonight. I cried the whole way there, while dropping him off, and the whole way home. A student in the house is deathly allergic to cats (she's been to the hospital a few times due to cats) so I had no choice to get rid of him...and I didn't know anyone who would take him within the 2 hour notice I had... The people at AC&C said he wouldn't get euthanized cause he's cute... whatever that means. They said I could call everyday and check his status... ugh. I'm so sad.

First day of Grad School.

Sitting in class I had the thought: I'm so glad I'm here. Dr. Patterson was talking a bit about his journey into the Counseling world and everything in me was excited. Reading over the syllabus was strange because I was looking forward to the papers, the readings, and the discussions (that's a rare occurrence). Not only that, I was surrounded by people who want to help people; from the the grief and dying process to substance abuse, and everything in between, you could feel the energy in the room. We automatically had a bond.

I'm learning that a licensed MFT in California is a very broad career-- it is not just limited to couples and families. We already get to start thinking about where we want to do traineeship (to accumulate 1300 hours)-- or at least what type of focus we would want. My mind went crazy... what type of people do I want to work with? College aged? Inmates? Sex offenders? Couples? Kids? And with what types of issues? Suicidal? Divorced? Depression? Body image? There are so many options. There is so much need.

Bottom line: so excited to be at USF.

I was going to write about my USF Orientation.

I came to this post ready to write all about my day yesterday but my heart sank as I read "Texas Carries Out 400th Execution" on the front page of BBC. Damnit. There are a few issues that really make me angry and hurt inside; I don't usually talk about them unless someone else brings up the topic, but shit... seriously? 400 humans? In the article, the Governor of Texas says this punishment (for this particular man) is just and appropriate. I vow, to this day, I will never live in the State of Texas. [*Note: Yes, the State of California still exercises Capital Punishment and I do not support it any way.]

I think it is important for me to say that I am not forgetting or underestimating the pain of the 400+ victims/families in these cases, but I have been deeply convicted by the reality of death and violence and I am not convinced that Capital Punishment is the answer to our problems.

Thank you to Dr. Dunn and my Conflict Resolution & Reconciliation Class for changing my thoughts and life. I'm sure the film, "The Life of David Gale" had an impact on me as well.

here and now.

back stock inventory went well today. though, i'm extemely exhausted. tomorrow is the big day: 3pm-3am.

i got a bike today! well, actually, it's on loan from my mom. it's yellow and it has a basket. i'm going to ride it to babysit tomorrow morning. fun! [i can't wait to see emma.]

still listening to matt nathanson and loving it.
why haven't you bought it yet?

evan and i are going to orientation together on tuesday. he is from visalia like me! we were sort of friends, or at least we have a lot of friends in common, but we will be better friends now, i'm sure. he will be doing an international and development economics program. sounds fancy.

last year at this time i was packing to move to san francisco. has it really been a year? so much has happened.

.i.love.this.place.

an extended update.

I purchased Matt Nathanson's "Some Mad Hope" yesterday. I am really pleased with the sound; he continually impresses me. Unfortunately, this will be my last music purchase until September 31. I know that's only a month and a half, but it will save me quite a bit of money. I'm trying to be more disciplined with my funds; no more shoes for a while either.

My books for school came today. It's hard to describe the feeling I received- one of excitement and nervousness, but mostly a reality set in that this is happening: I am really going to school. "Counseling the Culturally Diverse" brings me the most joy.

Daniel, Autumn and Samuel left tonight. I will see them again on Saturday night, but it was good to have them around. So fun to be with both Riley and Samuel- they are exactly five weeks apart and it is pretty dang incredible what a difference five weeks makes at that age. It's the difference between acknowledging your presence and holding your head up versus being a little cross eyed and needing neck support.

In case you're wondering, I'm keeping Elvis. I just got really upset about the fleas and he has been such a lovebug that I can't let go of him.

The Communication Arts Photography Annual came a few weeks ago. I haven't had time to look at it in depth, but page 86 has a moving photo of Maria and Eunice, from my favorite family, of course.

My students come in 10 days. Since I've been without them for the last three months, I've kind of forgotten about them. I'm the only person on staff who doesn't read their applications because I think they portray totally different people than the ones I get to know. All this to say, amazon.com packages have been arriving with their names and I am really looking forward to this crew.

Scooter update: I am test riding one in a week... it's a 1989 Yamaha Razz. Get excited.

Here's Elvis (taken with my phone):

busy bee.

so much happening. so tired.

daniel, autumn and samuel are staying in the house.
inventory monday, which causes exhaustion.
school starts next week.
need to prepare for students who come on the 26th.

ugh. i just don't know.

now i'm wondering if i really should give up elvis? he doesn't have the fleas anymore and he's being all cute. ugh.

bad timing?

i think i am bringing elvis to the spca tomorrow. not to get his shots. not to get kitty trained. not to get neutered. but to give him to the adoption center. with everything that is about to change in my life (full time job, full time grad school and urban students), i'm not sure it's the wisest thing to have him around. i find myself worrying about feeding him and needing to be home. basically, i am really restricted with him. maybe i am not destined to be a mom? i know children are different, but seriously, this thing took over my life. what i've learned: 1. i'm too young to become any sort of mother right now. 2. what i mean by too young is not mature enough. 3. and i'm not ready to give up me for something else. yep, i'm just that selfish. i should have listened to the little voice inside that i tend to muffle when it said "you can do it, but it's not wise. it's actually stupid. don't do it." and i did it anyway. i think cause that little voice always starts out empowering me.

along with not being able to give him the love he needs, he scratched my friend in the eye tonight. no one believes me when i tell them how aggressive he is... he fits the description of a ferel cat and i don't have time to tame a ferel cat! to top it all off, his fleas came back today. gone for three weeks and they magically reappear. damnit.

i'll let you know the outcome.

cannabis & deep staring.

i was waiting for the bus on market and powell and an "all-american" family pulls up to the stop light, rolls down the window and says, "do you know where the cannabis club is?" i couldn't believe that i was just asked that. wow. do i give off the impression that i would know where the cannabis is? what the hell?!

my boss has been teasing me by saying i have a new boyfriend. here's the story: yesterday we went to 'out the door,' one of the best restaurants in the city and the host (who was cute, but i couldn't tell what team he was on) greeted us and for the 20 seconds that we were standing there, gazed into my eyes for at least 9 of them. it was out of control. i was completely thrown off, not to mention uncomfortable (try deeply staring into someone's eyes for 9 seconds- it's a long time!)... i looked at my boss with a funny look and then we were seated. as we were leaving the restaurant, the host went out of his way to say goodbye to us, again giving me a deep stare, though this time much shorter. ummm. yeah, so now i have an 'out the door' boyfriend.

all alone.

everyone who was living in the house this summer has moved out. crazy. it's just me and elvis.

yesterday one of my co-workers told me i looked frumpy and later went on to say i have a very square face. not exactly the confidence booster.

saw the bourne ultimatum last night. very entertaining.

daniel, autumn and baby samuel are coming to visit on sunday until wednesday. should be fun.

elvis is almost two months old.

96 thoughts on vegas.

left on friday to go to vegas for a mini family reunion. i write mini because only half of my family was there, but the majority of my extended family was there... important items to note:

1. forgot my sunglasses. damn. not a good idea in 102 degree heat.
2. is there really something called nevada glare or was that my uncle trying to scare me?
3. the heat meant lots of cold beverages.
4. bought the new feist cd at starbucks.
5. yes, i totally overpaid but i wanted it right then.
5a. i am such a consumer.
5b. shit. [just own it emily, own it.]
6. stayed at the bellagio with my mom (details for why we stayed at the bellagio unnecessary unless we talk on the phone often).
7. the tune that comes to mind is from the dodgers v. giants games when bonds comes up to bat and dodger fans are chanting "oh-ver-ray-tid!" yeah. not worth it.
8. though, the elevators are really fast. i love fast and efficient.
9. also, the bathroom inside the room was nice.
10. but the experience of the hotel just didn't push my buttons.
11. well, the only buttons that got pushed were that of sensory overload.
11a. so many people.
11b. so loud.
11c. so much smoke.
12. speaking of smoke, i'm so glad i live in california.
13. there's no smoking in california. well, there is smoke, but you know what i mean.
14. back to vegas.
15. the majority of my family stayed at the red rock.
16. the red rock is a new hotel that cost a billion dollars to build.
17. it is nice because it is 10 miles off the strip and has a brand new modern feel.
18. including tvs in the bathroom.
19. the cousins loved that because they could play xbox in the tub.
20. not while there was water inside. safety first.
21. regarding cousins... one of the cousins has a crazy mom.
22. that would be my aunt.
23. she brought my cousins ex girlfriend with their family to the family reunion.
24. did you read that right? yep. i wrote ex girlfriend.
25. granted, they're only 16.
26. i almost think that's worse. being 16 and having your mom bring your ex.
27. it wouldn't be a family reunion with out drama.
28. this ex girlfriend is allowed to drink and smoke.
29. what? 16 years old. oh no wait, she's 15.
30. this is the aunt that doesn't get along with my mom that well.
31. this aunt allows the drinking and smoking.
32. this made other aunts/uncles angry.
33. "we don't promote underage drinking/smoking in our family."
34. reminds me of getting yelled at for letting 16 year old cousin kyle have a sip of my mudslide by the pool 2 years ago in kauai. i got busted.
35. it was just a sip?
36. back to the 15 year old ex.
37. yeah she pretty much made all the young boys uncomfortable.
38. she was talking inappropriate.
39. things i wouldn't write on my blog. [sexy things that are unmentionable]
40. this all happened last night in the middle of the adults only 40th birthday party for my aunt sarah and uncle rasmus.
41. rasmus is swedish.
42. and real swedish. he grew up in sweden.
43. not just his blood being swedish.
44. rasmus is not american. he can't vote.
45. so my favorite aunts went up and checked on the kids.
46. that's when my cousins (9 of them, ages 5-16) said the ex girlfriend was making them uncomfortable.
47. she ruined the party cause the 16 year old cousin was the babysitter and now he had to go home.
48. we didn't let it ruin our evening.
49. we reserved two black jack tables.
50. using my persuasive communication skills, i asked the pit boss if the $15 minimum could turn in to $5 just for my family? (photo below of one of the tables... bad quality cause you're not supposed to take photos at the tables. oops.)
51. he thought i was cute, or something. he said yes!
52. my aunt and i sat at that table for three hours.
53. she noted that it felt like speed dating cause we were never leaving.
54. and the men kept coming.
55. including the jerk in the last seat staying on 12 when the dealer was showing a 3.
56. i hate that guy. sitting in the last seat sometimes means taking one for the team.
57. everyone who sat in that seat after got pre-screened by us.
58. you think three hours is a long time?
59. it's actually not.
60. especially when the drinks are free.
61. i learned that i love kaluha & cream. and vanilla stoli & diet.
62. no, i did not get drunk.
63. i had to play cards, duh.
64. actually, i had to win.
65. which is exactly what i did.
66. $300.
67. did you want to read that again? i wrote three hundred dollars.
68. i learned, to win big, you gotta bet big.
69. so i started out with $5 bets and then i felt brave as i was winning.
70. a few $25 bets.
71. i was only playing with my winnings cause the first night i won $50.
72. it was all money i could lose... right?
73. but this morning i lost a little bit.
74. $20, to be exact.
75. my grandparents took my mom and me to fremont street
76. that's old school vegas.
77. i would actually prefer to call it the ghetto.
78. we lost at roulette. fifty cent roulette.
79. we were in the ghetto cause my grandparents were staying at the golden nugget.
80. don't ever stay at a hotel called the golden nugget.
81. i don't care how much money they put in it for renovations.
82. even if they have an incredible water slide.
83. all my grandparents wanted me to do was ride the slide.
84. i just didn't want to. okay?
85. you know your grandpa is getting old when he wants to play slots instead of the tables.
86. not my grandma, though! she likes the tables.
87. speaking of my grandma, there is a photo of her, me and my mom below.
88. i love my grandparents.
90. i love my family.
91. i don't think i love vegas.
92. not my idea of a vacation.
93. more of a crowded, smoky, sexy place.
94. what happens in vegas probably should not happen anywhere else.
95. that's why it stays there, emily.
96. duh.



above is uncle rasmus, great aunt judy, uncle kevin, sister in law courtney, aunt molly and aunt susan.

the most important thing i learned about gambling in vegas: put the black chips in your pocket and don't go in your pockets until you walk away.

reality.

got a usf school of education newsletter today. feeling more real.

elvis is a pain. this morning he scratched from my left eye to my temple. then i cut his nails. that will teach him.

still exhausted. anniversary sale is seventeen days long + pre-select = 30 days of sale and training.

so many emails in my inbox that i haven't responded to. unlike me.

why am i still posting instead of calling/emailing/showering/eating/sleeping/exercising/relaxing ? dumb.