alright mama.

going on a date this tuesday. at the end he said "alright mama, i'll see you then." sounds totally lame, but i think it makes him cooler because he has the confidence to say something like that slash be himself. this is a student set up date, so we'll see what happens. never hurts, right?

my freshman year friend, andy, texted me in the middle of the night which led to an hour long conversation. so good but so tired.

played scategories with some of the house tonight. jordan tried to put "heaven" for "things with spots"-- she got rejected.

earthquake tonight! 5.6 centered in menlo park. the students were a little scared.

castro is closing down tomorrow. no, not fidel, the small neighborhood a mile away. it's such a big deal that even the new york times is talking about it.

vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

i have never tasted a better oatmeal chocolate chip cookie (even though the pointer sisters put up a good fight). i changed the recipe around to be vegan so one of the girls in the house (amanda, she's fabulous) could eat them. i think that's what made them so chewy and yummy. here it is...

emily's vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
1 c. flour
.5 tsp baking powder
.5 tsp baking soda
.25 tsp salt
2 c. oats
8 tbsp canola oil margarine
.5 c. packed brown sugar
.5 c. sugar
.5 c. apple sauce
.25 c. maple syrup
.5 tsp vanilla extract
.75 c. [vegan] chocolate chips

350 degrees. stir together flour, baking powder/soda, salt and oats. in a bigger bowl use a mixer to combine canola oil margarine, brown sugar, sugar. add in apple sauce. drizzle in the maple syrup and vanilla. add in flour, baking powder/soda, salt and oats mixture. mix in chocolate chips. line cookie sheet with wax paper. place them on the sheet using a spoon. bake for twelve minutes. when you pull them out, they might not look done but they're the kind that will cook more when they are out of the oven. sooooo good.

i've been flossing.

not the most exciting world series. boo.

incredible character development on abc's brothers & sisters. hands down, my favorite show on tv. many of the issues hit home for me-- i was paige's age when my parents divorced, so tonight was full of tears.

i am not good at flossing. in fact, i usually only floss after popcorn or corn on the cob. on friday i went to the dentist and my hygienist informed me about the reach access- it's so cool; easy to get the back teeth and you use your bite instead of fingers. i am now flossing every day... i'll let you know when it's a permanent habit.

leaving for boston on thursday night. ex.ci.ted.

for mac people: guess who has leopard? I DO!! dbj and go out and get it-- totally worth it. automatic backup (with an external hard drive!) is reason enough.

who loves loves loves kaiser commercials? have you seen the one with the young boy who is in the suit talking about his "problems"? it's hilarious. kaiser is ingenious for using allison janney (cj cregg!)

part 1 of 2 on tim ferriss' bull shit.

i was going to start posting some of my [public] confessions, but it will have to wait for 1. me to get some more courage and 2. me not to be pissed off about the below topic.

perhaps i am a little over the top? maybe i don't give people enough room to change and grow? or i'm naive? maybe i am just not that intelligent? when i get passionate and have strong opinions about things, i can't let things go (if you know me, you definitely know this to be true). so, as you can read, this blog has been a place for me to unleash, let go, scream, yell, be pissed and want to drop four letter words that begin with the letter F.

for the last two years, i have made a conscious choice to not eat at carl's jr. besides the fact that i don't normally eat fast food, i have intentionally made this choice because of this AWFUL commercial. yes, i know that it's probably not making an impact on carl's jr's revenue because little old me isn't eating their food. however, i firmly believe that when we buy something, we are making a stance and saying "yes, i believe in you! i support you! i agree with you!" sometimes these things can be good or bad. and in this case, no thanks carl's jr, i'll buy my [veggie] burgers somewhere else.

well, today i am expanding my thoughts on this topic. you see, i not only think we vote with our monies, but i am beginning to realize that we vote with our time. [duh?] i read a lot of blogs, magazines and news on the internet. in this specific area of pop/media culture i would say that because i am not paying for these things, i am voting for them when i spend hours a day participating in them, rather than _______ [fill in the blank]. so... this can only lead to the latest thing that i am letting go of, cutting off, deleting off my RSS feed, dropping four letter words that begin with the letter F at the computer screen, etc. etc.

his name is tim ferriss and he is the author of the book, "the four hour work week." there is/was huge buzz about this guy in the blog world, so of course i picked up the book and read it. then i put his blog on an RSS feed and awaited his posts hoping to see what new and juicy information this [young] guy had to offer. in part 2 i will explain why his book isn't for me and how i would rather just stick with GTD by david allen. anyway, i digress.

today tim ferriss posted about the art of letting bad things happen but i just couldn't get past the weapons of mass distraction or the video at the bottom. well, mostly, i couldn't get past where it read: "Weapons of Mass Distraction: boys love guns. I’m sorry, but that’s how we are wired..." first of all, tim, are boys really wired this way or do we play into the stereotypes that they are? and if you don't love guns and you are a boy, what does that make you? this reminds me of the absolutes in wild at heart or captivating by john and stasi eldredge.

i might be overreacting. i might be over analyzing. i might be throwing out a good thing. but after watching the video TF posted today, i can't find it in me to want to continue to learn from all that he has to offer.

i fully believe that learning involves hearing from both sides (and by both i mean all because most of the time there aren't only two sides)... ya know, watching fox news AND aljazeera with a lot of bbc in between. getting the full picture. but there are things that i just can't vote for, whether it's with my time or money. guns, capital punishment, war... (writing that down made me think about how i really need to change my political status) those are a few of them for me. what are they for you?

i can't seem to think of another side to this minuscule detail that probably doesn't represent TF in any way, shape or form. but i'm latching on to it, it's what i do. someone, teach me how to change! i am just so bothered by guns. watch the video, you'll see... TF doesn't even do anything irrational. just like some people like paris hilton washing a car in a leather outfit, some people will be entertained by TF shooting guns. i, however, am not. and now i'm voting to spend my time differently. with a little less tim ferriss around.

ps. if you want to read why the rest of his post is BS, see what anna has to say.

free association.

here's a site that's been providing free association exercises for some time. this is what i came up with:

Las Vegas :: the song by sara bareilles
Linus :: wet blanket
Struck :: by lightening?
Movie :: so many good ones that i want to see right now!
Anxious :: about boston!
Bandit :: huh?
Picks :: like a guitar pick? diana needs a guitar pick.
Lasso :: no thanks.
Dinner :: i am so full.
Bargain :: shopper.

the weather in sf is perfect.

emma and i went to the zoo this morning. enjoyed the grizzly gulch!

my test on thursday went well- i missed two.

if you like scrabble, then you will like scrabulous.

some rad people are walking across the state to oppose capital punishment... they were just in santa barbara.

ten days until boston. if there is a game 7, it will be during my flight over.

lightsout!

lights out san francisco happened last night from 8-9pm. how cool is that? both the golden gate and bay bridge lights even went out.

dbj*: lights out america is coming to a city/county/state near you.
march 29, 2008.

here's to living in the greenest city in the country (world?). cheers!

*don't be jealous.

61 miles is good enough for me.

two weeks ago my mom and barry rode 135 miles over two days through the wine country. my mom thought a century (100 miles) would be fine. at 56 miles she called and said she had terrible knee pain. my mom is a nurse (yes, and a lawyer) so she knows pain-- no messing around with her (ask me about getting my shots as a kid- hell!). the lady who picked her up in the sag wagon told her she should have had advil on her. my gracious mother ignored her instead of saying, "listen lady: i know pain. this isn't advil pain. this is see my damn doctor and schedule an mri for monday pain." i probably would have said that. anyway, she made it to mile 61. we still cheered as she came in and we're glad we went to davis (which is, oddly enough, like visalia with 15k extra college students- no thanks! sorry mm!)

waiting with ice cream: tess-me-carter-sofia-courtney

seriously. sofia eating a "watermelon stick thingy."

after the race: up for finishing, down for not.

barry-me-mom-courtney-carter

pumpkin patch.

carter and courtney are up for the weekend to cheer on mom as she rides a century tomorrow. yah for being married ninety days and being together three thousand, two hundred and eighty five.


sofia and i carved together. i added her name to the back.


tess', courtney's x2, mine and sofia's.


i cut off a finger! love love love pumpkins with the five year old cousin.

feeling: sad, fear.

the current thoughts of this twenty three year old:

i'm not going to be a good counselor.
i'm going to fail this test.
i suck at listening.
i will never love.
i will never be loved.


this too shall pass.

c&c come tonight. it can only get better!

excuse my vagueness.

feeling: fear.

can you be scared about something that's all in your head? [i am.] i continue to build up these ideas in my head and i'm afraid. what if it becomes reality? what if it just lets me down? what if i ruin something that's good? will it be my fault? how do i prevent this?

i promote primary emotions: joy, sad, hurt, fear, and anger. here's to not responding "i'm good!" and all the crap in between.

fair, clear and moving.

i love going to movies by myself. it reminds me that i don't always have to go to the bathroom with the girls. more than going to movies by myself, i love love love documentaries. tonight's movie: for the bible tells me so. this isn't a michael moore film where he is clearly biased and bashing the republicans. it's fair. it's clear. it's moving.

new thought: the fear of the Other, the fear of sex, and the fear of femininity collaborate to make homophobia. i have touched on the fear of the Other in conflict resolution and reconciliation, the fear of sex is often mentioned among christian circles, but the fear of femininity became a reality for me tonight. all i had to do was think about how i've contributed to this fear and what i have never done to stop it; "hurry up- you're running like a girl!" or "quit being a pussy!" "stop crying- you're such a girl!" etc. etc. wow, we have a long journey ahead of us.

ultimately, this is a film showcasing six families' struggle to be in faith with a child/sibling who is gay/lesbian.

santa barbara friends: nov 3
seattle friends: oct 26-nov 1
portland friends: right now! and nov 2-8
all else: look here.

don't miss it. it's worth your time. if you can't afford it, email me and i'll use my loan money to pay for you (but it might only get us so far).

it's two forty nine.

and my face has been glued to this screen so that i can finish this take home test. the current question: how will the study of lifespan development impact your practice as a counselor. i am so taking a break.

i have someone who wants to buy my matt nathanson tickets. woohooo! gotta love craigslist.

it's beginning to turn fall in san francisco. that means it's the start of fireplace season. i love love love fireplace season. so do the students.

she loves sunglasses.

one man band.

because everyone needs a little sufjan in their life.

*if you can't get into "come on feel the illinoise!" try "seven swans".

my nephew: the gangster.

riley @ almost 5 months. precious.

think of me?

i'm torturing myself on purpose. for me, this is the way i grow best. "students, we are doing mid-term evaluations. and, uh.. we're doing them face-to-face rather than written and anonymous." translation: please tear me a part to my face slash show me where i can grow and become better at this thing called student life. i continue to remind myself: with the possibility of growth, will come inevitable pain.

oh the sacrifice.

i have tickets to matt nathanson and ingrid michaelson at the fillmore on november 2. matt is on my to-do list of concerts. however, this particular weekend is the only one that works to go to boston this fall. so the tickets are up for grabs and i'm off to visit nick and renee.

speaking of the to-do list... here's what's been completed lately (and what will be completed soon):

1. Visit Boston (soon to be completed on 11/1/07)
6. Study counseling/MFT (Started 8/23/07)
31. Find a new fiction book that I enjoy reading (Completed 10/8/07- The Maytrees; Thanks Anna!)
53. Read more poetry (Completed 9/19/07- Thanks KP!)
56. Make it a point to eat healthy (Started 9/23/07)
59. Go to a dive bar (Completed 9/25/07)
89. Become a vegetarian for one month (soon to be completed on 10/23/07)

the mantra.

the community that i have been spending more and more time with has a mantra. at first i thought the idea of a mantra was strange, but the more that i speak these words, the more i understand.

"to Creator, obedience
to creation, service
to each other, community

in all things, love
in all things, love

for life, prayer
with possessions, simplicity
in our world, creativity

in all things, love
in all things, love"

1 serious note and 3 not so.

i love it when 17 civilians are killed, just for kicks. that would never happen here, but we let it happen there.

this weekend has been relaxing. friday i saw an AWFUL movie: eastern promises. okay, it wasn't awful, but that scene... in the steam roomy place. it's not even a sex or rape scene that makes it awful, it's just bad. you have to see it to understand. oh, the violence. the overall movie was somewhere between good and okay; i just didn't know what i was getting my self into...

on saturday night i got to spend time with allison and her sister, leslie, and their mom, ann. when i was an RA, allison was in my section-- there was something about all that we had in common that made us so close. it's kind of weird. always good to spend time with her, she makes me happy.

sunday: storage, church, dinner party at the guys' house. so fun.

13 daily effects of white privilege.

intellectually i understood white privilege but there was a disconnect in comparison to my everyday experiences. the following points have helped me bridge that gap. it is extremely important, as i believe this is my moral obligation, to recognize and face the racism i was born into and am a part of. issues of race are not just for some people, they are for everyone.

1. i can if i wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. i can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that i will not be followed or harassed.

3. i can turn on the tv or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

4. when i am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," i am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

5. i can be sure that if i have children they will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

6. i can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

7. i can swear or dress in second hand clothes without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty, or the illiteracy of my race.

8. i can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

9. i am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

10. i can criticize our government and talk about how much i fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

11. if i am pulled over by a cop or if the IRS audits my tax return, i can be sure i haven't been singled out because of my race.

12. i can easily buy posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

13. i can choose foundation or bandaids in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

*adapted from an article in the july/august 1989 edition of peace and freedom by peggy mcIntosh.

ignorant test answers.

can you name the countries that border iraq? turkey, syria, jordan, saudi arabia, and iran. see the map below.

how about just the one up north? turkey.

do you know what IDP stands for? internally displaced person. this is different from a refugee because IDPs have not crossed an international border.

can you name the two countries that have accepted the most iraqi refugees? jordan (750,000) and syria (1.4 million).

do you know how much money we spend a minute on the iraq war? $500,000 a minute. one day of the iraq war is equal to 34,904 four-year scholarships for university students. or 12,478 new elementary school teachers. or 423,529 children with healthcare. you get the point.

do you know what a G-series passport is? it is the only valid passport that iraqis could possess. do all iraqis have a valid passport? no because the g-series passports were just recently created and everyone who became a refugee in another country has no access to these passports which are only distributed in baghdad. would you want to go to baghdad right now? no.

bonus question: what country is the US about to do a TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR arms deal with? saudi arabi. bad bad idea.

somehow this all relates.

yesterday was iraqi refugees, today is racism and white privilege (again). and somehow it all relates. i am not always loving my classes or my job at the house, but i am enjoying them. the big picture is this: i am intentionally (and unintentionally) forcing myself to question and rethink, question and rethink, and for this, i am grateful.

today in my counseling the culturally diverse class we did a fishbowl exercise on white identity models. one of my peers shared about studying diversity as a sociology major-- [in her experience] one thing she often notices about white people is the way they try to overcompensate by continuously putting down their own race in order to be accepted by people who aren't white. a light bulb went on for me: this is and has been me. though this is a natural part of the identity model, i felt shame and embarrassment. i know i need to pick myself up, but what a hard place to sit in. however, i know that with the possibility of growth comes inevitable pain. [i have a long way to go]

ignorant, no more.

it's over for me. i can't just sit around and ignore this war. i can't read the newspapers and not let them have an effect on me. i can't become numb to the feeling i had tonight. it's over for me: i've been informed.

jordan, diana and i attended a lecture titled "Nightmare Beyond Borders: The Iraqi Displacement Crisis and What Can Be Done to Stop It." before the lecture my thoughts were: displacement crisis? what the hell does that even mean? me, stop the war? right. refugees? who? what? where? i plead ignorant.

here's the thing... you all know that writing isn't my forté and what you get here is blunt, passionate, and pessimistic opinions. but i'm begging you, give me a chance. don't write me off as a flaming liberal who hates capital punishment, just turned vegetarian and is now anti-war. i've always been against this war, but have never known enough to voice my thoughts. now i understand a little bit more and know enough where i need to write it down. i need to give my money. my time. i can't not care. i'm sick of believing things because that's what the christian-right believes. i am officially not a christian if i am going to be associated with this group of people; these are not the people i know and love who follow jesus.

here's an ignorant test for you*:
can you name the countries that border iraq? how about just the one up north? do you know what IDP stands for? can you name the two countries that accept the most iraqi refugees? do you know how much money we spend a minute on the iraq war? (and i mean "we", because WE do pay taxes and WE do elect our officials) do you know what a G-series passport is? bonus question: what country is the us about to do a TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR arms deal with? *previously, i could not answer ANY of these questions. [that's embarrassing.]

but, emily, this problem is not mine: it's so far away. well, i say to you: if you live in this country and you read the headlines and don't feel anything, then this is your problem. if you don't know the basic facts, then this is your problem. if you pay taxes in this country and you aren't sure what the war is even about, then this is your problem. [and no, it is NOT about weapons of mass destruction.] if you claim to be a follower of jesus, and you give the 'bible says to follow my government and obey the laws of the land' excuse, then this too, is your problem. you have a social and moral obligation to know... i'm not asking you to care. i'm not asking you to give money. i'm not asking you to go. i'm just asking you to learn. inform yourself. research this catastrophe that is bigger than you, your school work, your job, your family, your friends. we are in the fourth year of war, and i'm just now starting to learn. i'm so embarrassed.