realization? epiphany? revelation?

what is the difference between a realization, epiphany and revelation? i apparently don't know because i use them interchangeably all the time. well, i had one of the above and i don't know which one. but here's what happened:

i was eating lunch with my friend evan. in the middle of the conversation he said, "i gave up on you." i gasped. "i don't understand what you mean?" he went on to explain that he has called enough times to know that my response is "i'm busy" or try and fit yourself into my busy little schedule. lunch went on, things got better, and evan and i decided we would be intentionally hanging out more often (or at least i decided that, i'll tell him later). a clean slate.

i walked away and that's when my realization/epiphany/revelation occurred. i have been living in this place (san francisco) as if i'm leaving. i've been subscribing to the transient nature of this city. i haven't committed to anything or anyone and i haven't let people in. the people i knew before i came here are easy to be friends with cause they already know me. it's the people that i have to open up to. the people i have to start caring about. i specifically remember thinking "i don't want new friends. i have enough and i like them. they're irreplaceable." that is fine and good, but certainly not healthy.

here's what i know for sure: i like my program and it goes until july 09. i like my job and it's indefinite [unless they plan on firing me sometime soon]. i have more family nearby than ever before and that includes an adorable nephew and my favorite cousins. my grandparents are leaving their kauai home to be near us. the weather is so great here. the friends i do have are incredible (hello, they like to dance). i am relatively healthy.

here's what sucks: i've wasted fourteen months and haven't found a church. plus i've ditched people that could have been great friends. hopefully they'll give me a second chance?

here's my reality: life after college is not a group of friends. maybe occasionally, but certainly not all the time. life after college is an exploration with a little bit of bills in between. it's establishing an identity, a career, maybe some romantic relationships and figuring out a life dream. or at least that's what society tells me it should be.

here's the weird part: i'm not even sure of what it is that i was looking forward to on the other side of san francisco. going back to santa barbara? being an RD at a college? discovering how to combine an mft with student life? love? event coordinating?

i'm always going going going.
i'm always living in anticipation of the future.
just stop.

everyone always says san francisco is transient. i never really noticed until now. here's to staying for at least twenty more months.

i'll drink to that. cheers.