shonna jet sets to sf.

shonna came up for the weekend and we had such a great time. good conversation, good meals, and good drinks. she's one of those friends where you just feel known when you're around them. love that. so easy and comfortable.

shonna, dil, me:


and tell me, what are you supposed to say when someone says to you "you're cute, but not that cute"? i said "well, you're tall, but not that tall!" (he was 6'7''). oh well.

anxiety over a hand mixer.

i sat in my favorite store, sur la table, for over an hour with a little bit of anxiety. okay, a lot of anxiety. i even had to leave once and put more change in the parking meter. i just couldn't decide. i would go back and forth to the hand mixer section from picking out the mini cupcake pan and the piping bag. (i totally am owning that i just bought a piping bag: i love baking). so i called my pops. he wasn't that much help and i called my mom and she didn't answer and i called lis and she was taking a test and i called and i called and i called. it seems like the decisions that shouldn't be difficult for me ARE DIFFICULT FOR ME. things that should be hard = not so hard.

which color should i choose? was the question. white was out of the question because it was $30 more than the colored ones. pink was out of the question because i knew i'd regret it, even if it was $40 cheaper than white. so i was down to yellow, orange or green. all three of these colors are so going out of style in the next ten years but oh well. i had to choose. to pick one. just one little bity hand mixer that would make my mini cupcakes oh so cute and mini and fluffy and mix that buttercream frosting just perfect. and then i picked up the orange one and stood in line. sat it down on the counter and she revealed the price. and as i reached in to get my trusty visa card i yelped, I WANT GREEN. i totally startled the lady. ooops. sorry, sorry, pardon me, i parted through a sea of people in line just to get the green one. and then i ended up with green. i am such a feeler.

the thoughts i had while choosing:
-how do people register for weddings? they are crazy. this is overwhelming.
-how come i feel so much pressure to pick a color?
-does this dictate my kitchen appliance colors?
-shouldn't i be making this decision with somebody?

so after my anxiety subsided and i left with the green one, i walked to the car and thought over and over about how i was supposed to make this decision with somebody. and then i got angry. i was angry with society or whoever the hell taught me that a hand mixer needs to be purchased with someone. and not just with someone, i mean like on a gift registry-for-a-wedding-with-someone. i had all this pressure on me to pick the right color, one that i wouldn't regret and one that would go with my kitchen. MY KITCHEN? I DON'T EVEN HAVE A KITCHEN. i don't have pots or pans or le creuset dutch ovens to match the hand mixer. who taught me that you don't buy things like hand mixers and plate sets and spatulas unless you are with someone? LUDICROUS! here's to green hand mixers being purchased for the single people. embrace the kitchen purchases! CHEERS.

well happy birthday, samuel!

you did it little man! (what you did, i'm not quite sure, but here you are... all grown up and ONE.)

my brother, daniel, and the birthday boy:


mmmmm, cake!


cute family photo.


photos courtesy dna.

patty says. class six. the end.

three random thoughts before the goodness of patty:
1. it pays to know (or be!) a flight attendant: my friends james and lis arrived in JAPAN via FIRST CLASS. jealous.
2. happy two year anniversary adam and jenn!
3. yesterday i made the cutest mini sized chocolate cupcakes with mint buttercream frosting. and i invested in a hand mixer. more on the decision of what color hand mixer to purchase later.

alright, patty said some really good stuff for the final class:

first, the basic components of self-esteem:
significance: you are needed and essential
competence: you have something to offer
power: you are autonomous
virtue: you have the ability to give, acting out your values

second, feeling whole is often a product of these four things and a lot of times they can be out of balance:
1. generosity*, which is the ultimate coping mechanism for life's problems (think about that for a second...)
2. independence, which incorporates internal discipline influenced by community
3. mastery, in something, though without competition. more like personal achievement.
4. belonging, "living with loving people who return that love is the most strengthening emotional experience in the world.

*regarding generosity... she asked a great question: if giving is such an important part of feeling balanced and it builds self esteem, then why do we so often let the takers just take? and the givers just give? it is so empowering to give, even when you have very little to do so.

third, when your kids are picking their peer group and you maybe don't feel so comfortable about it... your biggest strategy is one of distraction. and then you can have those really fantastic conversations.

fourth, telling your kids about your past is never a good idea. honesty is important but the details should be completely fuzzy.

pop quiz: what is the single most motivating factor in the world? money comes in a close second.

what's the deal with babies?

i'm sure you've heard about gloucester: pregnant teeny-mamas everywhere.

two firsts for sunday the twenty second.

a first for me: i've never run eight miles before.*
another: i've never shared a house with twenty five JUNIOR HIGHERS.

send prayers of patience my way, please.

*we didn't stop! yah! as julie would say, "embrace the pace" (the goal is to finish without walking/stopping, no matter how slow we go!) mary flynn graced us with her presence and we chatted it up the whole way. booooyah. and now i'm icing my ankle and knee.

MIDSUMMER!, etc.

this past weekend in santa barbara was amazing. i got some quality time in with miss sarah taylor (drinks, sex & the city, mb, coldplay tix, biltmore wall, BLENDERS, wedding attire, etc. and YES, i did say goodnight to you!), as well as a sleepover with anna and kiah. we all shared a bed. jokes. a little janelle, brett, anna q and mm to spice up my life made for a complete santa barbara trip. the wedding was great, too. photos to arrive when i plug the camera into mr. bojangles. i can't believe jonny is married! wowzers. julie lockwood: you're a damn good driver.

but, most importantly: TODAY IS MIDSUMMER! if you are swedish or have a swedish uncle (like me), you know what midsummer is. and for all you who don't: it's the longest day of the year. YAH! this calls for a family bbq and celebration. 5pm in lafayette, all are welcome.

to do this weekend:
hang out with carter & courtney.
last dv class on saturday- nine to five. yuck.
run EIGHT miles with joooooooolie.
read read read. write write write.
look look look for you know what if you're in the inner circle.

upcoming:
some BIG changes in emily-land. prepare yourself for some risky business.
thoughts on becoming an eSfj.
the one and only, shonna beth, will be making a san francisco appearance. this calls for a trip to the elbo room.

i wish:
my grandparents were here, in california instead of kauai.
i could see three hundred and sixty one day year old samuel.

delivery!

michelle obama is lookin hot lately. way to be different, kick off those heels and represent the unperfect, white house/black market dress wearing i-can't-do-it-all mothers who are GOOD ENOUGH. no more facades, no more lies, no more prim & proper. give me something real. don't give me botox and silence-that-stands-behind-her-partner-no-matter-what-he-does; i want authentic. and you, my future-first-lady, have delivered.

maybe she'll let us call her michelle, just like we called him stan.

i killed a pigeon today. (!!!)

yep, not even kidding. went to the afternoon giants game, scooting down mission street going about thirty-five, driving totally safe while still making it to class on time and i see the pigeons in the road eating something... they hear me coming, they fly up and one ran into my arm. AT THIRTY-FIVE MILES AN HOUR. i certainly yelled a four letter word. i couldn't believe that just happened. so i look in my mirror, turn my head and see this clump of bird on the ground with feathers slowly floating their way back down to the cement. I KILLED A PIGEON WITH MY RIGHT ARM, unintentionally, of course.

patty says. class five.

booo on you lakers. booo booo booo. [that's not what patty said.]

she talked a lot about the victim tonight. people love love love to be victims. sure, you are a victim of something, but you are not permanently a victim in life. the bigger the victim you choose to be, the more you convince people that you are a victim and the more you have self-righteous anger (ie: columbine, virginia tech, etc.) in the end, there is nothing good that comes out of being the victim- it is not empowering.

this is how anger develops: something happens. this creates a primary emotion. which leads to thoughts. which leads to anger. which brings about a behavior. simple, right? WRONG. people love to forget the primary emotion and the thoughts. and for some reason they think the wrong thoughts. and jump right to anger. cut it out. my job is to help people communicate at the primary emotion level instead of after the anger part. i need some practice. anyone angry today?

bullying. this is how it happens: suzy bullies sally. schools have a zero tolerance program for bullying. suzy gets in trouble over and over which reinforces sally as the victim over and over. which perpetuates sally as the wimp, all the time. why is suzy getting in trouble? if we stop to think about it, there is probably something going on for her at home that needs to be addressed, not so much at school. bottom line: help suzy with the reasons for why she's bullying and teach sally to have thicker skin, empowering her to stand up to suzy. do not let sally continually be a victim or she will be one all her life. and we all know some of those people, don't we.

have you seen, the squid and the whale? we talked about how that is NOT an over exaggeration of what divorce does. those poor boys.

i have a secret.

so, i didn't want to tell you this until it was for real. you know, like i was committed, really going to do it, all in, together forever, sink or swim. whelp: i'm swimming. i mean running. A HALF MARATHON. i have tried to train maybe four or five times for a race but this time it stuck. why you ask? well, i'm doing it with at least nine of my friends in the city. i cannot believe it. i cannot believe i RAN SEVEN MILES YESTERDAY. do you know me? i am NOT a runner. i am a sitter. a reader (the beginning of books, at least). an eater. a gift giver. a bed maker. a fresh flower buyer. a future counselor. a scooter rider. BUT i am NOT a RUNNER. and yesterday i think i officially crossed the threshold into runner land. my observation: i kind of like the salty eyebrows and the white stuff on my lips reminding me to drink more water. i kind of like the ice on my knee and the ankle brace and the tiger's balm. i kind of like cheering the people on as they are going up the hill as i come back down. and i kind of like talking to julie for at least an hour, telling each other funny stories and running at our own pace, not letting anyone get us down when they say "that's like walking speed"-- no. no, it's not. it's julie and emily speed and we WILL finish the race with out walking and we WILL finish the race without crying, bleeding, or dying. we WILL we WILL we WILL. we're in our sixth week and we're up to seven miles for the long run and seventeen total miles for the week. go us. and go lis, go dillon, go nathan, go adam, go pryor, go rachael. go meg. go go go. you can do it (put your back into it?). august third is going to be amazing.

here's where we went yesterday... over the golden gate bridge!

patty says. class four.

i don't know what patty said tonight. i mean, i do but we were going over techniques and there was a lot going on. not to mention the laker game. boooooooyah. back and ready for action.

before you go drop $200 on an iphone.

remember this: it's not how much you're saving, it's how much you're spending.

but, but, emily, it's half the price?!

ahhh. yes, that's how it appears.

appears? how do you mean?

did you know that at&t is subsidizing the other $200?

well why would they want to do that?

because the service for an iphone is now $10 more than what it used to be.

what did it used to be?

$20.

so now it's $30???

yep. you do the math.

well i pay $60 a month. and now i'll be paying $90 a month. $30 more times 12 months is $360. wow. that sucks.

ps. receiving an iphone as a gift is totally different :)

keep in mind, he's FOURTEEN!

alright. let me describe my FOURTEEN year old cousin, Derek. he's kind and smart and totally a cute kid. and he's a majorgamer. and i always knew he played the sax but i never knew how good he is. or how motivated he is. anyway, just today i got this email from him. i'm posting it here because one) i'm proud of him and two) i'm so impressed with his writing (he's FOURTEEN!) and three) i CANNOT believe he is giving up gaming! i'm impressed and i think you might be, too? here's the letter:


Hey everyone!

I am just emailing everyone to let you guys know I am looking to buy an alto saxophone. Now before you close this email and say, “Why should I donate to Derek, what has he done for me.” Here are some reasons why I am asking all of you.

The main reasons for my sudden aspirations of buying a saxophone are not as sudden as you presume. For a year now I have looked at saxophones trying out various models and talking to a few people (Like my saxophone teacher) and looking for a model that isn’t too expensive and suits my needs as a musician. For the past year I have finally found the saxophone that is perfect for my position as a musician, it has great intonation, marvelous tone, and high prestige in the world of intermediate model saxophones. My dad and step mom (Susan) both agreed to pay for half of my instrument, while my mother was not so keen as her financial position is less than sufficient to pay for an instrument. Here are some basic ideas to make money (feel free to add ideas in replies):

So now I am encouraged to try various methods of making money and dedication to reach my goal of 1300 dollars. My first thoughts were to quit gaming and all things electronic that are spending money. That way I can pay for my half; currently steps are being taken to cancel and sell all of my systems and such (i.e. Xbox and Xbox games: these games are for sale just ask in a reply for details). Also I am inclined to sell services that I have to offer, manual labor (if you live a reasonable distance away) or in any kind of literary works, like writing poems, stories, business letters (informal or formal) or any basic writing you just don’t feel like you have time for. Another idea I had was to play with some friends on the streets of Santa Barbara, but we need money to buy music charts, currently we only have 2 music charts including the two classics Donna Lee (By Charlie “Bird” Parker) and In a Sentimental Mood (By Duke Ellington). So this idea seems less than ideal because improvisation is not an easy task at this age but my friends and I have been known to trade 4’s if any of you are familiar with the term. And naturally my final idea was to ask some family members for small donations ranging anywhere from $5-20 because it would only take 20 people to donate 20 dollars and already I would be over half way to my goal from the money I have banked. For examples of writing just ask for a request of the form you would like (persuasive essays, poems, etc. etc.) So your small and generous donations go farther than you would imagine!

As for dedication I am looking to apply as a volunteer to Sam Ash’s musical department, (originally they asked me to work there but unfortunately I am not 18 yet, only 14) also I would be willing to teach people saxophone basics for 5$ for 30 or 45 minutes. These may seem like small steps to getting to my goal but as the cliché term has always gone “The journey of a thousand miles starts one step at a time”J. How embarrassing to actually use that term! Regardless it is perfect to describe why I am seeking my families love, support, and financial aid.

In conclusion I am making sacrifices in my life to become somewhat of an exceptional player, and play in the top bands at Thousand Oaks, auditions are on June 16th so I am looking for enough money to convince my parents that I will reach the $1300 needed, so they will buy me a saxophone for graduation of the 8th grade and auditions for high school. Because my future has already been set in motion and all of it involves band fortunately, so I am looking to be the greatest musician I can make myself into starting with an instrument that is above my current sub-par horn. Please respond regardless if you are looking to donate or not just so I know I have your support, I would really appreciate ideas as well!

The model saxophone I am looking to buy is YAS-62II an alto in the key of E flat. The average price $2259.00 no tax and new; $2445.37 with taxes applied, the extra money will go to a mouth piece that is worth while because a mouthpiece is also very important in intonation, sound, and tone. But my mouthpiece is up to standards so that is not nearly as important. Also to make donations through credit card feel free to email or call Susan. Your donations will become a big part of my life no matter how small so feel free to donate even if its change!

With love and greetings to my whole family,
Derek

P.S. I love you all lots! I’ll always be looking forward to the family reunions we have every few years!
http://www.google.com/products?hl=en&q=YAS62II+Alto+saxaphone&um=1&ie=UTF-8
This URL will take you to the saxophone I am looking to buy, and various prices.

TALK ABOUT MOTIVATION! let me know if you want him to write you a poem :)

you made me ______ this week: part 3.

sad: rusty. i know you aren't in the hospital because something really bad is going to happen. it's just your knee. but still, seeing you there made my heart hurt.

twelve step meetings.

I went to my first AA meeting the other day. No, I'm not an alcoholic; I don't even drink that much. I went for my substance abuse class (we have to go to two twelve-step meetings). Anyway, I learned a lot about myself in that short fifty five minutes (I was late).

My experience wasn't how it is in the movies; we weren't sitting in a circle and not everyone had to speak. It was interesting to think about my expectations and the reality of the people there. I thought it would be a ton of older men, say, over fifty. I think I was the youngest there, however, there were quite a few twenty-somethings, quite a few women, and quite a few prim & propers (or at least, they gave that vibe by the way they were dressed).

And. Today. I went to Sex Addicts Anonymous. Yep. I did. Not even kidding. It was pretty similar to the AA meeting. Important to note is that my expectations of a bunch of people sitting in a room and hashing out their "issues" in graphic form did not happen. (Thank God!) My favorite part was when my friend who I was with covered for us and said she had a "problem" but didn't want to talk about it quite yet and I was there for support. Whew! I was off the hook.

My friend Michele made a great point: twelve step meetings are what church should look and feel like. I agree; there is so much safety in those rooms, really. I was blessed by the group today and the group the other day. Even if I don't have either addiction.

I salute all people who go to twelve step meetings. You are truly some of the bravest and most amazing people around. I am impressed with your diligence and your sacrifice and your vulnerability.

i was his six hundred and ninety eighth jump.

well, we decided back in april that we were going to go skydiving for dillon's birthday. may came around and no one could work out good days to go. then, the first sunday in june was open so we were stoked. so we (lis, dillon, james, dan and i) set out to lodi (south east of sacramento) around 7:45am. our car ride was filled with lots of nervous energy, me commenting about my last outfit, in case i did die (i was, of course, wearing my yellow 'vote for katz' shirt from high school/deca), the latest r&b/pop music and the yelp reviews of the place we were about to risk our lives jumping out a plane for (lodi parachute center). in the yelp reviews there was a common thread of the hot australian man that a few lucky girls had the pleasure of going tandem with. everyone decided that i would get to go with the hot australian if he was there; i was, after all, the only single female in the group.

finally arriving around 9:30, we walked into this huge warehouse building where they wheel 'em and deal 'em. meaning, they get you in and get you out- no reservation necessary. it's part of the reason that the whole thing costs a hundred bucks. anyway, the place definitely had character. as someone noted, the video we were watching seemed a lot like the dharma initiative videos from lost. i noticed that i was signed up to jump with friesy (like french fries with an "eeee" at the end). what the heck kind of name, or nickname is that, i thought?

we waited about a half hour and then our numbers were called. i was thinking about being scared and dying (seriously, couldn't stop thinking about it) but simultaneously was thinking about how i couldn't let my friends down. we had to do this. and i already dropped a hundred bucks. we walked into another room. "number ninety-six?" he called. "that's me!" i exclaimed as i looked up to friesy, with a very large smile on as i heard that HOT australian accent. oh my goodness, did i really just get the hot australian? no way! no WAY! NO WAY! damn! i hope i don't embarrass myself. what happens if i pee my pants? oh shoot. just act normal.

so the first moment of totally inappropriate (though hilarious) interaction was when friesy asked me to turn around and step into the harness that would be attached to him. not hearing the 'turn around part' i stepped into the harness. *brace yourself, grandma!* friesy then said (in the hot australian accent), "well, you could step in like that, and we would be sure to have a good time, but it might not be a good idea, but i could get into it!" uhhhh... the guy i am about to die with is totally flirting with me. a lot. it certainly made me think about him rather than falling from a plane, so that was good (i guess). and then there was comment after comment of that cute little accent and those cute little sayings. and then there was that time when we were on the plane and he was attaching us together and he told me to sit all the way back into his lap. for some reason i dismissed the "into his lap" part and just sat back further. that's when he said "no girl, get up on me... i mean get on my lap, i need to, uhh, hook us together" WHAT??? sexual innuendoes?! stop it, friesy! i'm about to die!

the truth of the matter: he wasn't that hot. definitely cute. but that accent. dang!

and the actual experience: well, my life never flashed before my eyes. not once. i felt safe the whole time. my mouth did get extremely dry as i was screaming at thirteen thousand feet. you should try it. it's even better if you're with an australian. they do it better down there, or so i've heard.

the photos:

pretend like we're in focus, k? me, dil, dan, lis & james.


four mins to jump time


how cool is this shot of dil?


i cannot believe we did this


that's me!


the banana pose


after all was said and done

patty says. class three.

patty said way too many good things tonight. she did a therapy session in front of the class so we could get a sense of her style. she asked in advance if anyone wanted to volunteer... for some reason i felt compelled. so patty didn't just say good things to the class, she said good things to me, too. she has a way of bringing out thoughts and feelings i didn't know i had. i was so impressed with her empathy as well as the ability i had to be vulnerable in front of my class-- i didn't know i had it in me. thirty-five minutes of tears and vulnerability later i was reminded of the importance of therapy and why i am studying what i am.

anyway, here's what i wrote down:
trauma doesn't happen by yourself- it happens in relationship. healing doesn't happen by yourself, it, too, happens in relationship.

when you join someone you disarm them. try that one on for size, eh?

your greatest virtue used in excess becomes your greatest vice (she quoted something from the enneagram).

it is incredibly important to help kids build empathy... for example "johnny, what did you do wrong?" "uhh... well, i hit my sister" "and why did you hit your sister?" "because she took my toy" "and how do you think that made her feel when you hit her?" etc. etc.

do not negotiate when you are dishing out the already planned consequence.

be careful when you hand someone tissues. sometimes it can send a message of "clean it up"-- and perhaps the person just needs to let it out.

a completely unrelated note: of course i'm watching the election coverage. i just heard a clinton supporter say she is upset because this is a typical glass ceiling situation as hillary was stopped by a man. i started yelling at my television set. and that's all i'm going to write about that here.

save the kittens!

i'm wearing a sticker that says "every time you don't vote. a kitten dies."

CALIFORNIANS: VOTE VOTE VOTE! TODAY, JUNE 3!

he's just not that into you.

first: yes, i went skydiving yesterday. yes, i am typing this today. yes, i am alive. stories and pictures to come, but here's your preview: tandem with a hot australian. (in my head it went something like this "no way! no WAY! NO WAY! seriously? him? me? strapped together??? breathe. act normal.) it's a good thing i didn't read this article before i went. [thanks julie.]

oh yeah, and i saw r.e.m./the national/modest mouse yesterday, too. june first might go down as one of the best days of the year.

okay... he's just not into you, THE MOVIE! what?!? it feels like just yesterday my mom sent me the book and the page 3c girls and i spent hours reading together out loud. seriously, if you are single (or not married!) and haven't read this, it's pretty good. and if you don't think it's good, i'm sure you'll laugh. hopefully. check out the trailer:



thanks to diana for the heads up on the movie. she emailed me and wrote "for the lost women who don't read"-- hopefully that's not you.

pray i don't die.

because i'm about to go jump out of a plane.