lessons learned in a quarter century of life, four of twentyfive.

traveling and living in amazing places is great. but it's not worth it if i'm doing it alone or with people who don't know or understand me.

lessons learned in a quarter century of life, three of twentyfive.

dating when i'm lonely only makes me more lonely.

story: february and march of two thousand and seven. we were both lonely and we attracted each other. and it ended because we had the realization that we weren't what each other needed. and so we stopped. you taught me a lot, though. you were the first one to voice, "you will know how much a person cares about you by their actions." in that short amount of time i realized that i wasn't a romantic girl who needed surprises; only thoughtfulness which made me feel known.

when it ended i realized i was right back where i started.

lessons learned in a quarter century of life, two of twentyfive.

my screwdriven finger extravaganza symbolizes risk to me. all the risks i take are accidents, never planned.

lesson learned: surround myself with risk takers.

lessons learned in a quarter century of life, one of twentyfive.

i shouldn't drive for more than two hours if i'm going to be by myself.

story: i once got pulled over for driving north on the one-oh-one when i was behind a cop and i fell asleep at the wheel, swerving across three lanes. it was the first time i was ever pulled over so i somehow got out of the ticket. it was also the first time i got pulled over when the cop was in front of me, oppose to behind me.

lame life lesson? nah. totally a good thing to know about myself.

just an observation: it's a problem.

i went to the calworks (welfare) office today. i realized that there is a fundamental problem with our country as not one person waiting patiently in line was caucasian. not one person.

yes, i am in the city and county of san francisco which is abundantly diverse. and yes, i was uncomfortable waiting there as i stood out like a blond girl in uganda.

and then i sat there. sunk in my chair, unnerved at my realization.

there. is. something. wrong. with. this. picture.

and i have no solutions to this problem. but i start with the realization that this is, indeed, a problem.

goodbye, ted.

"Edward M Kennedy - the husband, father, grandfather, brother and uncle we loved so deeply - died late Tuesday night at home in Hyannis Port [Massachusetts].

We've lost the irreplaceable centre of our family and joyous light in our lives, but the inspiration of his faith, optimism, and perseverance will live on in our hearts forever.

We thank everyone who gave him care and support over this last year, and everyone who stood with him for so many years in his tireless march for progress toward justice, fairness and opportunity for all.

He loved this country and devoted his life to serving it. He always believed that our best days were still ahead, but it's hard to imagine any of them without him."

no thoughts. just a sad heart for the american family who has endured so much tragedy.

blowing bubbles.

finally made it to the dna lounge for bootie (bi-monthly mash up party) and trent made it in the newspaper. out of control. let's just say this was a true san francisco experience.

tightly wound.

i had a fantastic and redeeming conversation with my boss today. i asked for feedback and then mentioned that i needed him to tell me i was wound tight. (what?! who does that.) because if he told it to me then i would have to relax. makes sense, right? not so much. his response, "i will not say that to you until it's affecting your clinical work. and at this point, it's benefiting you."

there went that plan. i guess this a journey i'll have to travel alone. (i hate that idea.)

calling all loosely wound people. influence me!

finally.

a weekend with no plans.
a weekend with no responsibilities.
a weekend with the freedom to catch up on my life.

it's been a long time since i've been ready for work on a monday.

a san francisco secret.

that's not so secret anymore.

NOPALITO, a sustainable organic mexican kitchen. so close to my house.


it opened probably six months ago and i just made an appearance with kyle. everything about it was incredible: local and organic good tasting food. cheap. rad ambiance. strawberry sangria. the best four dollar tostada i've ever had. a cute waiter. it had it all. put it on your to-do list for when you come to san francisco.

ps. it's good to be friends with someone else who's in a romantic relationship with their job. makes me not feel SO crazy.

show me your friends and i'll tell you who you are.

that was said at the rehearsal dinner last friday night.
it's sort of hard to swallow.
for me.

blah blah blah.

what do you like about your supervisor?

for the purpose of not wanting to be dooced, i have removed content from this post.

....i'm just trying to make an "i like this" / "i hate this" list. regarding supervision. THIS IS NOT EASY, PEOPLE.

last week my old supervisor asked me why i'd been working so much. i starred at him for about eleven seconds and then shifted my head so i could look straight and only see him out of focus. the clementine formed in my throat and one tear fell from my eye. "i'm working this much because i have a lot to do. and. well. i'm doing whatever i can to avoid my personal life." and then many more tears fell from both eyes. he asked if i wanted to talk about it. and that's where i drew the line. i've learned enough about keeping the professional professional (and not personal) to know that i could answer but then it would warrant follow up responses. so i declined. and that was it. he didn't pressure me. he didn't dig. he didn't even give me manipulation eyes. and in that moment, i felt totally known by someone who has known me for all of fortyseven days.

all that to say: top on my list of what i like in a supervisor is someone who cares enough to ask, even though they can sense rejection is on the other side.

quote for the day.

i sent out an email titled, "MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR PROBLEM."

the response received was: "Cheer up, he could turn out to have the personality of an asshole!"

here's to hoping he's just that. julie says he's not. great.

once upon a time.

brett and janelle got married. one year of awkwardness and two years of love-- it was about time.

highlights from the weekend:
coordinating the day. it was a total success. yay!
anna reading a letter janelle wrote three years ago about brett.
seeing friends: meg, jess, sara, adam, nick, etc.
rain, the site coordinator. (that's a lie)
the wedding party, in general. especially hayley on crutches.
janelle's tupperware experience.
brett's dance moves. out of control, really.
lunch with the mollkoys.
lattes (or hot chocolate) with anna, leah and crew.

proof:

one thing i've noticed lately.

sometimes
when people know there's something wrong,
instead of caring for you,
they run.
makes you wonder if they even care at all?

the almost middle of august.

monday and tuesday had tears.
wednesday had hope.
thursday brings driving.
friday equals bouganvilla cutting and directing.
saturday is love and coordinating a smooth party.
sunday is for reminders and reflection.

completely devastated.

you see, i've been seeing a therapist for over a year. it's been one of the best experiences of my life. how often do you get someone to sit with you and listen to your thoughts and feelings without them relating it back to their personal experience? or someone who doesn't even know what it means to judge? or someone who knows more about boundaries than henry cloud himself? practically never. (which is generally a good thing- relationships need an element of personal experience. it would be a one way relationship if you just talked about yourself the whole time, right? right.) i digress.

with graduating from usf includes losing my (not so free) free therapy. tomorrow will be more devastating than today as i will say goodbye to my therapist. and it sucks because i would say (and i think michele and julie would agree), i could use his help in processing NOW more than EVER. damnit. bad timing.

i completely promote therapy for all genders, ages, shapes and sizes. my experience has been different as i have no dsm diagnosis and i didn't start going because i had this "problem" to "fix". i went to keep myself in check and to be consistently reminded that i can't change people, i can only change myself. (maybe the most important life lesson, ever?)

i guess it's never really goodbye. more like, see you later. cause let's be honest. his voice will be in my head for at least the next seven years.

chris and tim, marriaged.

throughout my masters program, katie, chris, tara and i ate a lot of godzilla sushi between classes. we occasionally studied and we mostly just laughed a lot. and then chris got engaged and we got invited. it was yesterday at the sir frances drake hotel. we dance dance danced.

tara, me, katie at the cocktail hour.






















tara, chris, me (with some hot dance hair.)





















tim giving chris the "we talked about this" look.






















i am slightly jealous as chris and tim are on some island in greece and moving on to paris next week. tough honeymoon, eh?

and now for a something a little more lighthearted.

lines from this week:

"so. i'm not getting my professional needs met. can i get some help with that?"

"i really think you should shadow my cousin. she helped this virgin woman have sex after being married for thirtynine years. pelvic floor stuff. fascinating, really."

"i'm allergic to broke."

"please say san quentin is a small town with cute little people and not just a prison?"

i should be overjoyed.

[when i have the magic touch.] being in the midst of a major depressive episode and, for SOME REASON only God knows, you chose to get fresh air with me.

[when i think about what i've got.] i have two parents who love me, siblings who think i'm great, friends who write me emails titled, "reasons why i love emily," a graduate degree, more than one pair of jeans, the luxury of grocery shopping at the end of the month, and a roof. i may live in a closet, BUT I HAVE A ROOF.

and i SHOULD be overjoyed because (today) i had the magic touch and i SHOULD be overjoyed because i (always) have a support network. but i'm not. my heart hurts when i come home. and my eyes are eternally heavy from working twelve hour days and my brain stings from attempting to treatment plan.

the way i see it, i've got two options. suck it up, get used to it and become jaded. OR continue the way i'm doing things and live in permanent sadness. obviously i'm being dramatic and obviously there's a balance between the two. it's just a matter of navigation.

what are you doing to take care of yourself?

going with the bff on opening day to see paper heart. can't wait.

have you ever written a mental health note?

i hope your answer is NO. i hope you never have to write a mental health note... or medicare note. no bueno, no bueno.

i've been writing so many of these dang notes that i'm starting to think in mental health note language. for example, i was being consoled by my boss and i was thinking to myself, "supervisor worked with employee by normalizing and offering alternative solutions. supervisor reframed and engaged with employee by utilizing active listening and asking open ended questions. employee responded positively and gave positive feedback." which really translates to my boss listened to me, gave me some advice and asked some questions. i thanked him.

this new language is taking over my brain. i can't seem to figure out how to switch back and forth! HELP.

jaw dropping wedding invitation.

remember when i was asked to be a bridesmaid? how could you forget. last week i received the invitation:


creative bride: julie ann.
design credit: mok duk.

fun!

ps. happy twentyninth adam robert katz.

the perfect escape.

my grandma is one of eight and my mom is one of six. that makes for a GINORMOUS family. there are thirtytwo of us here, mostly representing the smith family and there are over eighty all together. more details and photos to come.



thirtytwo of us: me, brother adam, second cousin jeremiah, fiance michele, great aunt myla, uncle rasmus, great uncle jerry, aunt susan, cousin derek, second cousin noah, second cousin kyle, grandpa robert, cousin kyle, second cousin kylie, cousin tess, aunt molly, cousin emma, aunt suzanne, cousin hunter, sister courtney, brother carter, great aunt judy, grandma judy, cousin jordan, mom amy, uncle kevin, second cousin julie, sister jenn, nephew riley, cousin parker, cousin sofia, cousin kevin.