gratitude for being back.

there's a lot of newness around me: glasses, apartments, soup skills, immersion blenders, experiences like straightening my hair in a starbucks, curtains, blisters, running shoes, eighth and ninth grade girls, yoga poses, apple peeler corer slicers, pt stretches, etc.

and i had a realization about all of this newness-- i am done talking and whining and writing and crying and watching and controlling and hurting about the last twelve to eighteenish months. i am finally done. because as all of these new things come, the old things seem to diminish, little by little each day.

i've been looking at the process (not so much the content), owning it, making a change and moving forward. and also recognizing the continued poor choices and reminding myself, "it's not about me." (it might have been at one point, but it's not any more.) and taking responsibility for my actions, for what was a bittersweet time and finally, finally having the pleasure of sitting on the other side, literally thanking God that i can breathe again, feel like myself again, and be full of joy. how i've longed to feel joy again; real, true joy.

getting to the other side of this valley has meant things like making a flourless chocolate cake late on a friday night and being okay with it not tasting amazing. or picking the pair that is safe instead of edgy at the seventh glasses shop. and taking risks and putting myself out there, even for not-so-great sushi and funny social experiments. it's meant telling friends when feelings are hurt so i prevent myself from being passive aggressive in the future. and stopping mandy on the street corner, just so i can pause her voices for six seconds and remind her to get oatmeal the next morning. it's meant therapy and therapy and a little more therapy. and frequent calls to family members just to check-in about this and that and laugh about the infamous taxi driver. and it's meant letters and cards and texts and hellos and i love yous and hugs and baked goods and being meticulous about my eyebrows and loving my light blue twin sized bed and saying yes to painting my nails until they are just right and making every effort to not work more than forty four and dreaming about how the community around me can adopt my clients, or just adopt in general, and while running, it's meant repeating over and over and over again, "i will run and not grow weary."

ultimately, back to being myself has meant being a little less selfish. as a friend of a friend would say, "i am happiest when my life isn't about me." this is a life worth contributing to.

signs my body is getting older.

this past week i saw significant signs of physical aging in my own life and since then, i've whined to myself almost every day, "but i'm only twentysix."

one. my physical therapist says i have bad hips. or, not-so-strong hips. he's taken it upon himself to kick my ass, or hips, until the big day. ugh, BROKEN IT-BAND.

two. i need glasses. it's a low prescription, yes, but i still need them. my optometrist says my eyes need to relax and it's a sign of tired eyes. TIRED EYES?!

three. i was swinging on a swing with my client, having some friendly who-can-swing-the-highest competition, and i had to stop. why? because it was making me nauseous. I USED TO LOVE THE SWINGS.

cheers to ninethousand fivehundred and fiftynine days of life.

you're doing it, peter!

i thought a lot about the movie hook on my recent twenty mile run, specifically the scene when the lost boys are gathered around a feast and peter finally believes and consequentially gets to fly.

that was me on saturday morning, in the blowing wind and the falling rain-- finally believing. believing that i can do this, no matter what my body tells me. and that i can make it to the end, because the eight words i repeated over and over and over again got me through. i realized, to a greater extent, how much stronger my mind is than my body.

and though my consequence wasn't to fly, being able to finish twenty miles was worth it. three weeks until go-time. i am ready. bangarang!

did you watch modern family this week?

i can finally show you this! it will make more sense if you (one) watch the show and (two) know that my cousin's name is brandon, he is the camera man, and it was his birthday.

note: ed o'neill does not actually know what's going on.

holding my breath.

twenty miles, here i come.

sunday starts the oh-so-familiar taper.

the magic of this fog.

summer in san francisco from michael winokur. discovered via sfgirlbybay

there's something about san francisco's fog that makes this place so special. it's not like the central valley's deadly tule fog that i grew up with. instead it captures your mind, your attention, and for me, it makes me wonder about movement. i guess it reminds me of sufjan's thoughts on movement, too. regardless, i think about how i am changing, progressing, continuing in a forward motion instead of an upward motion (the way i often think of growth).

this fog, this city treasure that often makes me roll my eyes and shout to the sun in my teeny tiny voice, "come out, come out, wherever you are!", is perfect. and riveting. and is an almost-daily reminder that this blanket doesn't have to hide me, but i can embrace the beautiful gray mess that it is. exactly where i am, exactly in this place.

all good things must come to an end.

today i said goodbye to the very first case i opened on my own. goodbyes are never easy, especially when they really are permanent.

goodbye to you who taught me about resilience.
goodbye to you who longed for a good enough attention.
goodbye to you who cared enough to keep trying, over and over again.
and goodbye to you who just needed to be loved in a new way.

four weeks from today.

i will be a finisher.
i will remember to breathe.
i will try to convince myself to quit.
i will take it one step at a time.
i will remember my progress. as a runner, a person.
i will reflect.
i will cry.
i will hurt. and ache.
but i will be a finisher.

a word of encouragement for the marathoner, from the marathoner.

maggie says: "all i'm saying, em, is that you are not going to regret this. somedays it will feel glorious, and somedays you will fall apart and want to cuss out one of the sweetest friends you have who is always picking up the pieces for you. because that's the beauty of the beast. but that's what makes it so good. the achy muscles and the beating heart and the smell of 18-miles worth of sweat. you're doing it. and i'm so proud of you. so go ahead and cuss people out in your head when you need to. and (again) eat the good stuff while you can without apologizing. and drink lots of water and get lots of rest and say a prayer of thanks here and there for your own beautiful, incredible body with wonderful glutes and quads and hamstrings and calves and feet and toes and pony tails and all that amazing beautiful stuff."

take a pic of yourself in that dress with some red lipstick.

that was cait's idea. which dress? the one jcrew accidentally sent me. the one i didn't order.

i'm not going to deny the fact that i want to keep the dress. or at least return it for more useful clothing. is it bad to wear it once and then give it back? i mean, really, it's just like renting it, right? or borrowing it? maybe?

i guess if it were mine originally i'd want it back. but let's be real, i wouldn't accidentally send something of mine to the wrong person.

don't frown on me because my first inclination wasn't to send it back, i'm just not that holy. oh, ethical decisions, you make my brain itch.

related and unrelated thoughts on moving and running in the same day.

DON'T DO IT.

and don't move the night before and don't move the day after. and don't run eighteen miles in between. and don't get injured and don't, just don't. don't do it. ignore nike.

tonight frances learned that she wasn't twentythree and that made me laugh. i'm learning that my decision to keep training for this race is a choice i probably wouldn't make at twentythree, but at twentysix i'm making it, and i probably would at thirtynine, too. i didn't think i would turn into one of 'those' people, the ones who keep going and pushing, even though they know they shouldn't. i didn't realize my pride could dictate my actions this much. how could i finish eighteen miles and quit?

on a completely unrelated note, i've already made blueberry muffins and coffee cake and today i walked through the grocery aisle just looking at ingredients in order to dream about the time i will spend in our kitchen. there's something about feeding people that brings a true joy and sense of satisfaction to my person. these were just box recipes and they took seven minutes, but it didn't matter. the steam that escapes from a blueberry muffin in the morning is so worth it; i feel more comfortable in this new home. if this were twitter, i would write #bestupgradeever.

and even more unrelated, one of my wisest friends said something so profound, i pulled over and re-read it multiple times. i'm all for cleaning out my inbox, but this email with these words? it gets to stay. "i don't think pain makes people crazy and sad and angry, i think hope does." her words helped me understand how i'm so crazy.

when telling people you're training for a marathon.

one of the most interesting questions you might receive is, "have you noticed your body changing much?" [this is not a joke, i get this question at least once a week.]

i try my best not to make people feel awkward about asking this, but it's a bit odd. so i start to think of possible responses i could give to enhance the quirkiness of the question:
"yes, my thighs used to be really jiggly but now they're rock hard."
"i've noticed my heart pumps my blood faster."
"help! my boobs are shrinking."

don't worry, i haven't actually said the above (yet). i generally end up saying something about getting better sleep. nice and safe, right? right. reality is this, though: for me, it feels like people want to know if i've lost weight. [what a question that could be.] instead of asking the above question, or the one they're really trying to communicate, we should all just say NO to asking women about their bodies unless you're in the inner circle. and if you're wondering if you're in the inner circle, then you're probably not.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
random side notes:
-auntie em times five today! hello cannon, my new little ball of love.
-eighteen miles on saturday. i never thought i'd say this, but i'm excited.
-last shower with the moldy curtain will be on friday.
-posey, lincecum, wilson, huff, ross, etc: this city can't get enough of you.
-wine + benefit for the worker's children's fund = drunk dependency attorneys.

one of my favorite days of the year!

the first tuesday of november is always such a wonderful day; i like it better than birthdays and labor days and even christmases! IT'S ELECTION DAY!!!

to my california friends, click here to find out where your polling place is and what's on the ballot. everyone else can go to [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com

a stupid myth i've heard over seventeen times in the last week:

myth thinker: i'm not registered because i didn't vote in 2009.

me: but you voted in 2008, right?

myth thinker: right.

me: THEN YOU'RE REGISTERED. just go here: [your state's abbreviation].electionland.com to find out where to vote.

no unsolicited voting advice from me this year. well, besides NO on twentythree.

"voting is free. it's fairly fast. it doesn't make you responsible for the outcome, but it sure has an impact on what we have to live with going forward. the only thing that would make it better is free snacks." -seth godin