don't judge a person by their spelling habits. or if they make up words like "deepful".
i totally judged patty. she is my parent & child therapy professor and she is awesome; engaging, professional, enthusiastic, entertaining, thoughtful, really. and while i'm in her class i will play patty says on tuesday nights because i just have to share it with you [and/or] i want to remember it [and/or] i want to. so humor me.
thing 1: commend people on who they are not what they do. if you think this is obvious, then i commend you, but seriously. how often do we say to little johnny "great job on scoring those goals in your soccer game!" or to sally "you rocked in the school play!" instead, we could be saying, "johnny, you are such a determined person and you persistence is paying off" or "sally, you are so passionate!" of course these are cheesy examples, but think about how we are told about the good things that we do instead of the good people that we are. so what if you can create great art or if you're an all star teacher. i want to know who you are. not what you do.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
patty says.
thing 2: be careful not to say sorry too quickly. seriously. we say it so fast these days that it feels like it's an automatic response; it's losing its value. patty isn't saying to not say it, she's just saying to not let it be the first thing out of your mouth when you mess up.
thing 3: we need to feel felt. when was the last time you felt felt? not felt heard, but felt felt. mine was last night: lis and i were driving home and sharing about specific things that are happening for us and we talked about our J-ness and then it just clicked. we understood each other. we were on the same page. and it felt damn good.
maybe you knew these things already. maybe not. whatever the case, i think it's a good reminder. don't you agree?
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6 comments:
my problem is not saying sorry quickly enough. it's not my favorite word, that's for sure.
NFs love feeling known. it's a top need of theirs. that's why they gravitate towards each other. ;)
I love the "commend people on who they are, not what they do." I need to remember that someday when I have kids.
Also, this little homeless man sat next to me at the bus stop yesterday. As soon as he sat down he said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm bugging you." I think he must have been not treated well as a kid... and it made me sad. :(
anyway, those were random thoughts. Thanks for your post.
I enjoy reading about your school stuff, stuff you are learning, etc. It makes me want to be back in school.
Your a good blogger Emily (I'm practicing)!
But I actually really like being commended on the things I do. Especially if someone gives me critical feedback or gives me the chance to talk about my work.
One of the things that gives me the most pleasure from playing basketball is talking with Brett about the things we did well that night.
I totally understand what you're saying though, especially in regards to children. Is it possible to commend both who they are and what they did?
Joe-
Yes, most people like to be commended on the things they do. However, if children (and some adults) are only being commended on what they do rather than who they are, then they start to gain approval for the action. This can be very damaging for children because if, say, they are really amazing soccer players it might be the only time they are celebrated by their parents. The kid could hate soccer but that is the only time he/she gets complimented.
Yes, it is possible to commend both who they are and what they did. With children, though, we should concentrate on who they are. They are easily influenced by compliments.
-ek
I see. Yes, with children I totally agree.
Specifically, are you saying you would have to even be careful about what personal qualities you praise? For example, if you praised a kid's athleticism, I could see it easily going down the same path. Does that make sense?
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