welcome, 2008.

this is what i wrote one year ago regarding the new year. unfortunately, i still managed to start lots and lots of books without finishing them. i sure didn't pay off 1/6 of my school loans. and i didn't volunteer consistently. but! i did find a church. so that's good.

all the things i was looking forward to (being an aunt, my mom's 50th, carter and courtney's wedding, and the vegas trip in august) turned out to be great. great, great, great.

this is what happened in 2007: i wrote in my journal everyday of the year. spring07: 10 students. christmas tree boy. jenn yerkey became jenn kliewer. spent a lot of time with emma. got promoted at work. new amsterdams concert. kevin. darker hair. jersey boys. marked off quite a bit on my 99 things to do list. becky and jeff came to visit. sf ballet. dan turned 24. damien rice. my mom turned 50. anna and brett and sarah t. graduated (among many others). jenn's baby shower. riley arrived. carter turned 30. courtney's wedding shower. sudoku. frank. chelsea visited. hpv shots. she moved out of their house. personal trainer. modesto to visit the phillips/armours. shonna came. samuel arrived. decided to go to usf. visalia for the 4th. elvis entered my life. elvis had fleas. dodgers game with adam. car drama. carter and courtney tied the knot. family trip in vegas. daniel, autumn and samuel visited. evan moved to the city. started grad school. new students arrived. gave elvis away. okkervil river show. lori visited. elvis perkins show. coffees with rusty. i turned twentythree. tried being a vegetarian. lecture on iraqi refugees. students i enjoyed a lot: renee, heather, diana, jordan. allison, lesley and mama sebek visited. carter and courtney came up. my mom rode a century (well, kind of). apple pie guy. boston. deciding to invest in san francisco. the winery. creating informedin08 with friends. barack in sf. balcony invaders. walking to stop executions. thanksgiving in thousand oaks. lots of presidential debate watching. she moved back into their house. finished my first semester (five more to go). the nutcracker. trent's 25th. the ultimate christmas party. selling in the rail. santa cruz adventure.

sundance, luxury, and juno.

sundance cinemas recently opened in san francisco and it is quite the experience. a beautiful theater that mostly shows independent films and a few mainstream flicks that managed to create a wonderful environment. it's a bit like walking into a fancy spa. cool things: you choose your seat when you buy your ticket, on a touch screen. peet's coffee inside. a bar. a bistro. balcony seating. bring it all in with you. it's luxurious. one of the cool parts is that there is an amenity fee. how is that cool, emily? well you pay a few extra bucks (depending on what time you go) for the following reasons: no annoying tv ads in the beginning, all reserved seats, they recycle and compost, the best independent films and documentaries, etc. etc. it's just damn good.

speaking of luxurious. here is one of rc's* tidbits of advice: don't drive a luxury car if you don't have a luxurious paycheck. why did my grandpa say that to me today? well, because i need a new catalytic converter and that costs a pretty penny. i tried to tell him that the volvs isn't luxurious and it's mostly a piece of crap but he thinks everything is luxurious unless it's a hyundai.

oh yeah! so i went to the new cinema to see a movie: juno. it made it onto my top ten favorite movie list. my kind of humor. love the soundtrack.

*rc is my grandpa. his real name is robert charles and he is fabulous. a wise man with a big personality. he is the kind of grandpa that calls you by your first and middle name (all the time) and also calls the waiter by his name. quite a friendly guy.

who taught you to move those hips?

my five year old cousin, sofia, on christmas. love it.

oh, tatiana.

i'm referring to the dead tiger who attacked three zoo patrons on christmas evening. yikes. my sister-in-law works at the sf zoo and is doing relatively well, under the circumstances. tatiana, a siberian tiger, has proved that she can jump at least 20 feet from the bottom of the mote (that wasn't holding water) to where zoo-goers stare at the big cats. why she jumped, nobody knows. let this be a lesson to us all- they really are wild.

BARF.

we all know there are interesting things on the internet... but this takes it to a new level. God bless the "religious right".

perhaps we have something to learn from the Amish?

i fully support forgiveness, at all levels. qualification: i've never been the victim or the family/friend of a victim of a physical crime. however: jesus was a pretty big proponent of forgiveness and i try to align myself with that guy.

christmas party: photos.

wine. fancy cheese. funfetti cupcakes. chocolate fountain. extraordinary gingerbread houses. murder in the dark. what more could one ask for in a christmas party?

in the beginning:


keith, leslie, dillon, erin, julie, and trent created this winery gingerbread house. they had pretty impressive details, including grapes on the vines:


dan, evan, james, lis, jihae and i created this san francisco scene- the painted ladies with the bay bridge in the background, complete with an oil spill:


here we all are:

making progress.

i guess it depends which way you look at it... but through my lens, the state of california is making progress for expanding health care. this will be a big deal when it comes to us californians voting on the actual measure, but i have high hopes for progression. i'm not just for this measure because i think health care should be cheap(er) and/or free(er), i'm for this measure because of my family members who work within the health care system (hospice director, surgery center director, nurses, psychologists, physical therapists, etc.) who say it's necessary. though i am working toward becoming a therapist, i often forget that, i too, will eventually be in the (mental) health profession where my payment will (most likely) come from insurance companies. this is one of the things which separates MFTs and LCSWs from other counselors (career, school, etc.). i will continue to read and put more thought into the california health care system and i am definitely interested to see what happens on a national level, especially with 2008 being an election year. go health care, go.

ah, civic duties.

i recognize that i am strange, especially regarding the joy i get from fulfilling my civic duties. for example, i love to vote. love love love it. today i learned that i also love jury duty. well, i think i love it because when they dismissed us and didn't need us, i was totally bummed. seriously. i really wanted to sit in the court room and have them ask me the questions, waiting and hoping they'd pick me. too bad i didn't even get to enter the court room. i guess i'll just stick to watching law and order.

trent is 25.

it's been two years in a row that i've participated in the celebration of trent's birthday... out to dinner at frjtz with micah, his girlfriend becky, dan, trent, dawn and laura (from santa cruz) then off to an improv show that got interrupted with a fire alarm. back to 301 lyon where we played the most ridiculous game of slitting throats and lies, ie: murder in the dark. had a huge sleepover. so fun.

the party is tonight: chocolate fountain, good cheese and fine wine.

starbucked is on my list of books to read... good review in the nytimes here.
funny that this one made the postsecret blog today:

nutcracker.

the nutcracker
+ 3/4 the mcallister house
+ 2/3 the sycamore house
+ leslie potts
+ me
____________

so fun.

the ultimate bad day.

tonight dan and i compared bad days... only because it made us feel better. then evan and i went to sushi to help me feel better. here's the thing- my day could have been worse. and dan totally had me beat. but let me just say this: evaluations that attack the person without any constructive criticism totally suck and students who cuss you out suck too. i wish semesters didn't end like this.

not just for alcoholics & addicts.

the serenity prayer has proved itself to be extremely helpful for me and some of my students. the first four lines are important to me because i love to be in control.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

violence breeds violence.

i AM thinking of the victims and their families. but i'm also curious about a few things: why was there a gun at new life church? and for that matter, why were there security guards? something to think about. you could respond that the security guards and the gun came in handy in this situation. but i think that's a bullshit argument and i think we need to look at a bigger picture.

prego, gasoline, and facials.

my first westmont friend is prego. not the first friend i made at westmont, it's the first of my westmont friends. make sense? i am thrilled. more baby clothes. love that.

guess where the most expensive place to buy gas in the US is? that's right, san francisco. i love public transportation.

going to pamper myself today to celebrate semester one being done. i love facials.

for them, the fall of 2007.

sometimes i say it like it's no big deal. sometimes i say it with joy. sometimes i say it with frustration and angst. what is it that i say? i say, "i'm an ra, or an rd, or somewhere in between."

this group has been different. not better, not worse. just different. what i've faced in the last week has made me realize how close i am to these students. they share with me and let me in.

i am so grateful...
for sarah m., who taught me to throw out my first impressions.
for teri, who let lose and sat with me as we gave each other second chances.
for alec, who has loved every person in the house equally.
for trevor, who reminded me not to assume so much.
for jordan, who has helped me live out my convictions.
for sarah c., who always made me laugh.
for caitlin, who allowed me to be blunt in response to her passiveness.
for heather, who reminded me about gentleness, everyday.
for diana, who proved to me that passion is everything.
for lauren, who is consistently authentic.
for morgan, who showed me what it looks like to live spontaneously.
for ryan, who encouraged me to think more about sex and marriage.
for kathy, who showed me how to be nicer.
for brittany, who reminded me to leave my door open.
for graham, who reminded me to care for the least of these.
for travis, who taught me about brighter colors and stronger smells.
for niki, who helped me relax.
for dana, who played 'mom' well.
for chelsea, who cares deeply for others, always.
for jess, who is there for her friends.
for jenelle, who can't go to bed without resolution.
for ashley, who showed appropriate anger with friends.
for cora, who taught me so much about this one small town in oregon.
for amanda, whose beauty is present in all she does.

go well.

random thursday.

today is my last class of the semester. now i have a six week break.

i do not want to die working in retail for the holidays. so sad.

the house is sick. as in, multiple people have strep throat. blah.

i made joy bars today, minus the almonds. thanks lesley.

tonight is the final community dinner with the fall07 students.

greenwashed.

conscious lifestyle and npr have both reported the findings of TerraChoice:
we are being greenwashed. well, at least i am. are you?

sleepover with lp! so excited.

political compass.

everyone should take the political compass test, just for kicks, of course. beware: some of the questions might hurt your brain.

here is the scale:


here are my results:


here are the results for famous leaders:

vacuums and violence.

i don't love vacuuming but i love when my floor is vacuumed.
it makes me so happy.

"let us not tire of preaching love;
it is the force that will overcome the world.
let us not tire of preaching love.
though we see that waves of violence
succeed in drowning the fire of christian love,
love must win out; it is the only thing that can.
-oscar romero, september 25, 1977

i take it back.

alright, alright, i take back my no-gift-giving-or-receiving policy for christmas. instead, i'm making this pledge to buy handmade. join me?

so far:
free babysitting
crocheted hats/scarves
cookies and delightful treats

i need help with my handmade list... anyone have any creative ideas?

question eighteen.

makes me so sad. last night was the republican debate on cnn with youtube. it was an interesting way of conducting the debate, i personally prefer a more fluid discussion with questions from the moderators. anyway. here is question eighteen. listen closely to some of the things huckabee says.



here is my response:
reading the documents doesn't humanize the case.

are some crimes really so heinous that jesus wouldn't even forgive?

don't say the death penalty is the only response, it's the easier response for you.

i can think of other ways to deter crime and warn others rather than killing someone. and i'm surprised that you can't.

"some crimes are truly beyond any other capacity for us to fix." before you tell me, governor, that something is beyond any other capacity to be fixed, how do you define "fix" and what have you done to "fix" these crimes? is capital punishment really a fix? what did/does it fix? i want to see your empirical evidence. what have you done? what was actually fixed by taking the lives of the sixteen people who have been killed under your jurisdiction?*

please don't include me when you say someone is put to death by "all of us as citizens." i will not take responsibility for the blood on your hands.

thanks for avoiding the question about what jesus would actually do. smooth answer.

*here are the sixteen people who have been killed under huckabee:
William Frank Parker 8/8/96
Paul Ruiz, Earl Von Denton, Kirt Douglas Wainwright 1/8/97
Eugene Wallace Perry 8/6/97
Wilburn A. Henderson 7//8/98
Johnie Michael Cox 2/16/99
Marion Albert Pruett 4/12/99
Mark Edward Gardner, Alan Willett 9/8/99
Christina Marie Riggs 5/2/00
David Dewayne Johnson 12/19/00
Clay King Smith 5/8/01
Riley Dobi Noel 7/9/03
Charles Laverne Singleton 1/6/04
Eric Randall Nance 11/28/05

just checking.

i had to retake the myers briggs test. okay, i didn't have to, i wanted to. i just wanted to make sure that what i tested four years ago is still accurate to who i am. i've been having a mini crisis recently and michele recommended i go to usf's career center. good idea. so i went yesterday and i'm going again today. well, it's true. i'm still an e-n-f-j. surprise!

here's the description with my thoughts:

-ENFJs glow with warmth and sympathy. not sure if this is accurate. i'm not a good hugger if i don't know you very well slash i get really uncomfortable if i can't understand or feel why you are upset. i like authentic and genuine, a lot. 

-they are creative and organized when helping others achieve their personal goals. absolutely. but i definitely need to work on my delivery and sensitivity. 

-because ENFJs focus their energy outwards, into people, their main concern in life is for the well-being of their friends. um, and myself. but that would explain why i have no trouble keeping in touch with friends. 

-they make compassionate and trustworthy friends. absolutely (ie: lori lester, anna jordan, shonna sommer, lisa armour, michele mollkoy, allison sebek, kristyn pointer, renee d'amour, nicole palmer, carissa johnson, sarah taylor, to name a few). 

-ENFJs understand people well; they are interested in theories of human behavior and want to learn more. not sure the first part is true but definitely the part about wanting to learn more, ie: studying counseling. 

-ENFJs are natural organizers. it's true. i am. 

-when they see someone suffering, they want to help. true, again. 

-they are the ones who roll up their sleeves and get involved. uh huh. yep. 

-ENFJs value harmony and typically bring out the best in others. maybe? 

-for this reason, they make popular leaders as well as faithful supporters. sure, why not. 

-they are excellent communicators, especially in a public forum, and make superb professional speakers. ooh, juicy. explains why i can wing a 2 hour group presentation.

i realize that this post could be seen as a bit conceited and/or arrogant. however, i believe i have a healthy view of self and knowing my strengths is extremely important to me. one day i will post all the things i'm really bad at. could be fun. (an e-n-f-j would respond that way, huh?)

oh, the young voters.

I am in the "young voter" category. Here are some things I stole from Rock the Vote.

The latest volume of Rock the Vote's Polling Young Voters is available. Key findings are below and the full report is available here. (PDF)

Key findings:
Young voters are attuned to the presidential debates - 77% report watching them, compared to 64% of voters of all ages. (Pew Research Center)

In the primary races, young Democrats are most heavily in favor of Clinton and Obama; young Republicans are leaning toward Giuliani, Romney and Thompson. Many on both sides of the aisle have yet to make up their minds. (Rasmussen, NH Institute of Politics, CBS/NY Times)

When asked with which political party they identify, 32-42% identify as Republican or Republican-leaning and 37-49% identify as Democratic or Democratic-leaning. (RT Strategies, Democracy Corps, Rasmussen)

i came from this.

i just found this photo of my parents from the seventies.

love it.

w.w.j.b.

all of my family isn't aware yet but if they buy me presents for christmas they will be returned. i also need to tell them that they aren't getting anything from me, either. this isn't a post to give credit to myself about how selfless i am... it's just about me being poor and having a lot of pride.

the poor part: i have no money. i am a grad school student living off a loan that needs to stretch itself out for as long as possible.

the pride part: if i can't get you something, you can't get me something. ha! take that.

however, this film might make take my consumerism to a whole new level. can't wait to see it. watch the trailer to "what would jesus buy" here.

she is [my] family.

she certainly doesn't look like she belongs in our family. but she does. kylie came into this world 2 years ago, the day before christmas, in what was the most horrendous adoption story ever. "i'm pregnant, but secretly i'm just overweight- give me your money" turned into "we have a baby for you, but the mother happened to use meth in her last week of pregnancy-- do you still want her?" my cousins are amazing. kylie's health is fine and she is in a home where she is loved with a family who cares deeply for her. thanksgiving was perfect: a not too long car ride. speed scrabble. kylie's 2nd birthday party. poker. fish instead of turkey [for me]. an important decision made. homemade fudge. sweet, sweet cousins. pops & sharon & cc. funny gift game.

paperless.

imagine what would be accomplished if at least one professor at every college threw up their hands and said, "that's it! we're going paperless!" does this happen? right now i'm asking "why not?" and the only thing i can come up with is that professors' eyes are bad and they can't look at the computer screen for that long. ha.

sidewalk art.

the sidewalk art in san francisco fills my heart with joy. the other day i found this piece- in case you can't tell, it's a tv set with the words, "undercover oppressor" inside. does tv really oppress us? it can be defined as "the negative outcome experienced by people targeted by the biased exercise of power in a society or social group." it's possible. definitely made me think.

fear & forgiveness.

fear.
i've lost so much respect for the san francisco police department. i've lost so much respect for some of my students. i have never felt the fear that i had last night. unfortunately, what i am experiencing now is called trauma and might turn into ptsd. the positive note: this might help me when counseling clients who have ptsd or who have experienced trauma.

forgiveness.
today jordan and i walked with about 30 people from a church in san rafael to the san quentin state prison with walk to stop executions. the three mile walk ended at the east gate of the prison entrance where there was a celebration honoring those who keep watch for our brothers and sisters on death row. the story of reconciliation of a mother whose daughter was murdered taught me something more about forgiveness. i am grateful for my experience today.

3.75!

this
made
me
so
angry.

beat the bitch.

watch this video if the title of this post doesn't give you any hint to what i'm about to write about.

i've been thinking about this for a few days. i cannot imagine how a could-be-president let the "beat the bitch" comment slide, laughed it off and then went on to say, "i respect senator clinton." YOU DO NOT! you're a liar! oh wait, you're a politician. that's like saying i'm going to eat a cheeseburger with cheese. it's repetitive. it means the same thing.

i guess i'm sensitive to this topic because i am the bitch. no, i'm not running to be the leader of the free world nor am i nearly as strong as hillary clinton. however, i am blunt, passionate, aggressive, ambitious and a hard worker. i like to get things done. hillary and i do have that in common. in the work world, i will be labeled this villain because my bitchy personality far exceeds my motherly-nurturing-kind-gentle side. you know, the side of me that is supposed to come naturally. geese, didn't you read wild at heart? i'm a beauty waiting to be rescued. i have news for you john eldredge: it doesn't come naturally for me, or at least, it's not my first inclination to be that way. am i still a woman? [yes, yes i am.]

here's to standing up to john mccain on my blog and telling the world that his reaction is unacceptable. and! that woman's question is very telling of who she is. i'm incredibly embarrassed for her.

read how debra condren tells the story much better than me.

black friday.

when i worked in retail i knew a lot about where other retailers were in terms of being in the red or the black. you always want to be in the black. the day after thanksgiving (a week from today!) is called black friday because it is a day that retailers usually turn a profit. anyway, i got a gap gift guide in the mail. a few things i noticed that have me wondering, does gap have their groove back or are they just trying to stay above water?

1. every photo is labeled with the name of the model, actor, actress, comedian or whole broadway cast. some even include family members. i'm not sure i believe that some of these people actually wear gap clothes. how much does it cost gap to hire these people? better yet, how much does it cost gap to hire the celebrities that are sponsoring product red? sure hope it's free.

2. the front of the gift guide tells you all about how you can change the world by buying product red while the back of the guide tells you all about how you can purchase this limited edition vespa for the low price of five thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine dollars and "give the nicest ride." shocking differences. i guess what they have in common is the consumer: me (and you?).

barack in sf!

last night a few of us met up to see barack obama speak in san francisco. he has this celebrity appeal that people flock to; people wanted to shake his hand, touch him, hug him, etc. i couldn't believe it. the magnitude of this is far bigger than anything any other candidate has to offer. it was as if brad pitt entered the building. add on his pretty great public speaking skills and his charisma. i don't think i've ever seen so many high school juniors & seniors so excited to be at a political event. impressive.



*excuse the video quality. my little point&shoot did the job.

when are my primaries?

good question. are you democrat or republican? in some states it will make a difference. if you are "decline to state" or independent, i highly suggest switching to be a donkey or an elephant just for the primaries. then switch back when you're done. so easy.

this year, super tuesday will be on february 5. in california, we hold the democratic primary and the republican primary on the same day. go california, go.

here is an election guide from the new york times. helpful information about the candidates along with primary/caucus information.

here is where you can register to vote, change your address, or change your political status.

to register in california you must:
1. be a citizen of the united states
2. be a resident of california
3. be at least 18 years of age at the time of the next election
4. not be imprisoned or on parole for the conviction of a felony
5. not currently be judged mentally incompetent by a court of law.

the registration deadline is 15 days before the election. translation: january 21, 2008 for the california primaries and october 20, 2008 for the presidential election.

i would love to hear the reasons for why people don't vote....

I am knocking it.

my friend michele shocked me with this article.

in response to the article, a friend told me that it's how i was designed, i shouldn't have to major in it. not sure if i'm more offended by the article or by my friend's comment.

"A financial course could also teach women how to guide their husbands gently toward wise financial stewardship, which would contribute to a good outcome without violating patriarchy" the article reads. I missed the part where it is wrong to violate a patriarchal society?

Here's my thought: let's offer classes on 1. How to do relationships. 2. How to raise children. All things people can figure out on their own, but in the land of MFT, this is a huge need and the majority of people could use a whole lot of education in this area.

I'm not knocking her ideas on the family as the neediest social institution (hello! I am studying marriage and FAMILY therapy), but seriously, is this necessary? What she's listing for courses within this "home ec" major, I think of as secondary and tertiary. If this major existed, the primary goals should be to know thyself, value thyself and engage thyself (taken from this article). Those are what I think matter. Damn, I am an individualistic American in need of learning more about collectivism.

And does she really think that sex is taboo in Christian circles? I've talked more about sex with my students and at Westmont than ever before. Let's stop saying it's taboo. IT'S NOT. It's talked about ALL THE TIME. Things that actually are taboo in Christian circles: how people spend their money (it's your business, not anyone else's), the high expectation for pastors' families, pastors who have affairs or engage in pornography, female masturbation, the female sex drive (maybe this is the sex she's talking about?), inter-racial relationships (in some families), how you're actually doing, etc etc. How about that for taboo.

an insightful tuesday.

dave batstone was the guest speaker at the house this morning. he always has a similar message, but it never seems to come out the same. quite entertaining. love how slavery is something we can all agree is wrong-- unlike abortion, the war in iraq, immigration, etc. inspired more than ever to get off my ass and do something.

we've been sprucing up our marketing skills at the urban house. basically it means we've been using our current students and asking them to talk about how to improve the program's marketing/PR work in exchange for a free meal. little star pizza fed us tonight and we had great conversation on how to improve. i highly recommend this restaurant [and these students!]. so good.

took some of the students to dan, dillon and keith's for dessert. so fun. yummy pie (ginger pear! banana! pumpkin!) and played scategories. love that game. good for the students to see real-life urban alums who have made a life in san francisco.

it's all in the grape.

church with the mcallister house.
hopped in the car and picked up dan, keith & leslie.
drove up to napa.
good conversation. good music.
played on the white's ranch.
love love love the phillies!
the whites are big polo people so leslie and dan gave it a try.
then we met back up with the mcallister house and headed over to the winery.
i know absolutely nothing about wine.

i learned: all the flavors in the wine are subjective. when it says "grapefruit and dark chocolate flavors" on the back of the bottle, it really means that some person with an incredible sense of smell and taste decided it to be that. there isn't any grapefruit or dark chocolate in the wine. i felt lied to! but, keith explained it to me, it's all in the grape. also, no need to swirl white wine, only the reds. are these common things that people know about wine?

here&now.

still flossing. yes. check for good hygiene.
listening to mirah. so good. smooth sounds with some upbeat outcries.
loving the cold. longsleeves&jackets.
creating my top ten.
enjoying the lack of a life in retail.
wanting new photos for the space above my desk.
watching brothers&sisters.
campaigning: don't be uneducated in 2008.
rediscovering why i really don't like w.a.h.
reading sex, economy, freedom & community by wendell berry.
excited for thanksgiving in thousand oaks.

"call me."

why didn't anyone tell me i shouldn't have called the bartender? remember in september when i got the bartender's number and he said "call me" and i waited two days and called. stupid stupid stupid.

i was recently looking in my he's just not that into you book and it reads: "call me" should translate to "i just dropped my cell phone in the ocean and i lost your number" but it mostly means "i'm just not that into you."

i'm not usually old fashioned. but in this respect, i am a forty two year old woman in a twenty three year old body. or at least that's what my friend annie (from my mft program) told me. i wasn't offended. i can't believe i called.

i can open my own door. i can pay for half the tab. i can be cold if i happen to not be wearing enough clothing. but, i will not be calling you. not anymore, at least. it's against the rules. speaking of rules, these are the ones i'm following.

realization? epiphany? revelation?

what is the difference between a realization, epiphany and revelation? i apparently don't know because i use them interchangeably all the time. well, i had one of the above and i don't know which one. but here's what happened:

i was eating lunch with my friend evan. in the middle of the conversation he said, "i gave up on you." i gasped. "i don't understand what you mean?" he went on to explain that he has called enough times to know that my response is "i'm busy" or try and fit yourself into my busy little schedule. lunch went on, things got better, and evan and i decided we would be intentionally hanging out more often (or at least i decided that, i'll tell him later). a clean slate.

i walked away and that's when my realization/epiphany/revelation occurred. i have been living in this place (san francisco) as if i'm leaving. i've been subscribing to the transient nature of this city. i haven't committed to anything or anyone and i haven't let people in. the people i knew before i came here are easy to be friends with cause they already know me. it's the people that i have to open up to. the people i have to start caring about. i specifically remember thinking "i don't want new friends. i have enough and i like them. they're irreplaceable." that is fine and good, but certainly not healthy.

here's what i know for sure: i like my program and it goes until july 09. i like my job and it's indefinite [unless they plan on firing me sometime soon]. i have more family nearby than ever before and that includes an adorable nephew and my favorite cousins. my grandparents are leaving their kauai home to be near us. the weather is so great here. the friends i do have are incredible (hello, they like to dance). i am relatively healthy.

here's what sucks: i've wasted fourteen months and haven't found a church. plus i've ditched people that could have been great friends. hopefully they'll give me a second chance?

here's my reality: life after college is not a group of friends. maybe occasionally, but certainly not all the time. life after college is an exploration with a little bit of bills in between. it's establishing an identity, a career, maybe some romantic relationships and figuring out a life dream. or at least that's what society tells me it should be.

here's the weird part: i'm not even sure of what it is that i was looking forward to on the other side of san francisco. going back to santa barbara? being an RD at a college? discovering how to combine an mft with student life? love? event coordinating?

i'm always going going going.
i'm always living in anticipation of the future.
just stop.

everyone always says san francisco is transient. i never really noticed until now. here's to staying for at least twenty more months.

i'll drink to that. cheers.

apple pie.

asking a stranger (or a guy that you're on a first date with) to describe your style and prefacing it with "i won't be offended" might not be the best idea. his response: apple pie. my thought process: apple pie?! i don't want to be apple pie! i would rather be plain jane or classy cathy. okay, i take that back. apple pie is fine. but am i really "all american?" diana thinks apple pie is poetic; she thinks he's smooth. i think she's trying to make me feel better.

gimme more!

if you know dan, dillon or keith this will be even funnier. if you don't know them, it will still be pretty damn funny. enjoy.

DANCE PARTY DETAILS: December 1 in San Francisco. RSVP on Facebook (Crank dat DP fo sho). Bring your sweet moves.

first tuesday.

yesterday was the first tuesday of november. do you know what that means? it means i earned my "i voted" sticker. i'm not sure if there's anything else that i wear with more pride than that sticker. go sticker, go. way to be sticky.


this commercial compelled me to go to the website for dwf. hats off to aarp for being proactive.

i am not a one issue voter. yes, yes, i've heard the argument regarding abortion: it has taken more lives than all other "issues" combined. this is sad. this is bad. however, i believe it's important to look at all the issues. and if you can't do that, then at least look at your top ten. or top five. don't be uneducated in 2008. that's my campaign.

i hope to come up with my top ten as i continue to do research.
so far: 1 of 10 = health care.

happy 26th birthday lisa g.p.a.! i love you!

ps. the date: so good. i fully promote awkward silences on first dates. and running out of questions to ask. [lovely] it really was good, though!

.b.o.s.t.o.n.

friday: i wandered boston while nick was at work. met up with renee later in the evening and it made my whole trip worth it. she is a very dear and thoughtful friend. enjoyed dinner with both her and nick... tapas were good, but not like cha cha cha.
saturday: a noreaster! (pretty much a bad storm in east coast language) it rained and rained and was cccccccold. nick and i went to see american gangster, which was great. i don't really have a tolerance for needles so i had to look away quite a bit. due to the cold/rain, we couldn't do much. so we relaxed and it led to some good political discussion. i always learn a lot from nick.sunday: nick and i went to cambridge and met up with myrna. it was so great to spend time with her and get a view of harvard from someone who actually goes there (she is in a phd program studying the history of science). later in the evening, andy (who i knew from westmont-- he lives in harlem and is studying architecture at columbia) came down from new york to visit me. we only had an hour or so together, but it was filled with great conversation.thoughts on boston:
-two doors for everything. (makes being a gentleman difficult)
-pretty homogeneous place.
-too cold. perhaps it has something to do with being raised in california?
-not sure if recycling is a priority there. should be.
-love the brick and rich history. reminds me of florence.
-the T is great, but it's not very informative.
-i am over the boston pride for the redsox and pats. overwhelming.
-i have some really intelligent friends on the east coast. damn.

jet-lagged with jet-blue.

i'm home. more tomorrow, including photos.

in the mean time, here are the reasons to fly jetblue into sf:
1. goes in and out of the international terminal (read: small security line, less people, quieter, cleaner, etc.)
2. points, points, points! easy to get a free flight with jetblue.
3. everyone loves their own tv screen with all the necessary channels: tlc and the food network.
4. good snacks and drinks. i had an arizona ice tea and terra chips.

ps. airlines don't really serve food on flights anymore. i was hungry.

can't forget about samuel!

weighing in at 15 pounds and 25 inches.
nephew #2 is 4.5 months.

oh, halloween.

went to a movie last night: dan in real life. i didn't know it was a romantic comedy, i thought it was just going to be a comedy. anyway, it was cute. it was good for the students to stop thinking and turn off their brains for a couple hours. me too.

packing for boston. i really am excited. i haven't had a break in a long time. over a year?

got some pictures of riley in an email last night.
apparently my brother has always wanted an adult sized onesie.

i don't think riley was into being a pumpkin.

alright mama.

going on a date this tuesday. at the end he said "alright mama, i'll see you then." sounds totally lame, but i think it makes him cooler because he has the confidence to say something like that slash be himself. this is a student set up date, so we'll see what happens. never hurts, right?

my freshman year friend, andy, texted me in the middle of the night which led to an hour long conversation. so good but so tired.

played scategories with some of the house tonight. jordan tried to put "heaven" for "things with spots"-- she got rejected.

earthquake tonight! 5.6 centered in menlo park. the students were a little scared.

castro is closing down tomorrow. no, not fidel, the small neighborhood a mile away. it's such a big deal that even the new york times is talking about it.

vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

i have never tasted a better oatmeal chocolate chip cookie (even though the pointer sisters put up a good fight). i changed the recipe around to be vegan so one of the girls in the house (amanda, she's fabulous) could eat them. i think that's what made them so chewy and yummy. here it is...

emily's vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
1 c. flour
.5 tsp baking powder
.5 tsp baking soda
.25 tsp salt
2 c. oats
8 tbsp canola oil margarine
.5 c. packed brown sugar
.5 c. sugar
.5 c. apple sauce
.25 c. maple syrup
.5 tsp vanilla extract
.75 c. [vegan] chocolate chips

350 degrees. stir together flour, baking powder/soda, salt and oats. in a bigger bowl use a mixer to combine canola oil margarine, brown sugar, sugar. add in apple sauce. drizzle in the maple syrup and vanilla. add in flour, baking powder/soda, salt and oats mixture. mix in chocolate chips. line cookie sheet with wax paper. place them on the sheet using a spoon. bake for twelve minutes. when you pull them out, they might not look done but they're the kind that will cook more when they are out of the oven. sooooo good.

i've been flossing.

not the most exciting world series. boo.

incredible character development on abc's brothers & sisters. hands down, my favorite show on tv. many of the issues hit home for me-- i was paige's age when my parents divorced, so tonight was full of tears.

i am not good at flossing. in fact, i usually only floss after popcorn or corn on the cob. on friday i went to the dentist and my hygienist informed me about the reach access- it's so cool; easy to get the back teeth and you use your bite instead of fingers. i am now flossing every day... i'll let you know when it's a permanent habit.

leaving for boston on thursday night. ex.ci.ted.

for mac people: guess who has leopard? I DO!! dbj and go out and get it-- totally worth it. automatic backup (with an external hard drive!) is reason enough.

who loves loves loves kaiser commercials? have you seen the one with the young boy who is in the suit talking about his "problems"? it's hilarious. kaiser is ingenious for using allison janney (cj cregg!)

part 1 of 2 on tim ferriss' bull shit.

i was going to start posting some of my [public] confessions, but it will have to wait for 1. me to get some more courage and 2. me not to be pissed off about the below topic.

perhaps i am a little over the top? maybe i don't give people enough room to change and grow? or i'm naive? maybe i am just not that intelligent? when i get passionate and have strong opinions about things, i can't let things go (if you know me, you definitely know this to be true). so, as you can read, this blog has been a place for me to unleash, let go, scream, yell, be pissed and want to drop four letter words that begin with the letter F.

for the last two years, i have made a conscious choice to not eat at carl's jr. besides the fact that i don't normally eat fast food, i have intentionally made this choice because of this AWFUL commercial. yes, i know that it's probably not making an impact on carl's jr's revenue because little old me isn't eating their food. however, i firmly believe that when we buy something, we are making a stance and saying "yes, i believe in you! i support you! i agree with you!" sometimes these things can be good or bad. and in this case, no thanks carl's jr, i'll buy my [veggie] burgers somewhere else.

well, today i am expanding my thoughts on this topic. you see, i not only think we vote with our monies, but i am beginning to realize that we vote with our time. [duh?] i read a lot of blogs, magazines and news on the internet. in this specific area of pop/media culture i would say that because i am not paying for these things, i am voting for them when i spend hours a day participating in them, rather than _______ [fill in the blank]. so... this can only lead to the latest thing that i am letting go of, cutting off, deleting off my RSS feed, dropping four letter words that begin with the letter F at the computer screen, etc. etc.

his name is tim ferriss and he is the author of the book, "the four hour work week." there is/was huge buzz about this guy in the blog world, so of course i picked up the book and read it. then i put his blog on an RSS feed and awaited his posts hoping to see what new and juicy information this [young] guy had to offer. in part 2 i will explain why his book isn't for me and how i would rather just stick with GTD by david allen. anyway, i digress.

today tim ferriss posted about the art of letting bad things happen but i just couldn't get past the weapons of mass distraction or the video at the bottom. well, mostly, i couldn't get past where it read: "Weapons of Mass Distraction: boys love guns. I’m sorry, but that’s how we are wired..." first of all, tim, are boys really wired this way or do we play into the stereotypes that they are? and if you don't love guns and you are a boy, what does that make you? this reminds me of the absolutes in wild at heart or captivating by john and stasi eldredge.

i might be overreacting. i might be over analyzing. i might be throwing out a good thing. but after watching the video TF posted today, i can't find it in me to want to continue to learn from all that he has to offer.

i fully believe that learning involves hearing from both sides (and by both i mean all because most of the time there aren't only two sides)... ya know, watching fox news AND aljazeera with a lot of bbc in between. getting the full picture. but there are things that i just can't vote for, whether it's with my time or money. guns, capital punishment, war... (writing that down made me think about how i really need to change my political status) those are a few of them for me. what are they for you?

i can't seem to think of another side to this minuscule detail that probably doesn't represent TF in any way, shape or form. but i'm latching on to it, it's what i do. someone, teach me how to change! i am just so bothered by guns. watch the video, you'll see... TF doesn't even do anything irrational. just like some people like paris hilton washing a car in a leather outfit, some people will be entertained by TF shooting guns. i, however, am not. and now i'm voting to spend my time differently. with a little less tim ferriss around.

ps. if you want to read why the rest of his post is BS, see what anna has to say.

free association.

here's a site that's been providing free association exercises for some time. this is what i came up with:

Las Vegas :: the song by sara bareilles
Linus :: wet blanket
Struck :: by lightening?
Movie :: so many good ones that i want to see right now!
Anxious :: about boston!
Bandit :: huh?
Picks :: like a guitar pick? diana needs a guitar pick.
Lasso :: no thanks.
Dinner :: i am so full.
Bargain :: shopper.

the weather in sf is perfect.

emma and i went to the zoo this morning. enjoyed the grizzly gulch!

my test on thursday went well- i missed two.

if you like scrabble, then you will like scrabulous.

some rad people are walking across the state to oppose capital punishment... they were just in santa barbara.

ten days until boston. if there is a game 7, it will be during my flight over.

lightsout!

lights out san francisco happened last night from 8-9pm. how cool is that? both the golden gate and bay bridge lights even went out.

dbj*: lights out america is coming to a city/county/state near you.
march 29, 2008.

here's to living in the greenest city in the country (world?). cheers!

*don't be jealous.

61 miles is good enough for me.

two weeks ago my mom and barry rode 135 miles over two days through the wine country. my mom thought a century (100 miles) would be fine. at 56 miles she called and said she had terrible knee pain. my mom is a nurse (yes, and a lawyer) so she knows pain-- no messing around with her (ask me about getting my shots as a kid- hell!). the lady who picked her up in the sag wagon told her she should have had advil on her. my gracious mother ignored her instead of saying, "listen lady: i know pain. this isn't advil pain. this is see my damn doctor and schedule an mri for monday pain." i probably would have said that. anyway, she made it to mile 61. we still cheered as she came in and we're glad we went to davis (which is, oddly enough, like visalia with 15k extra college students- no thanks! sorry mm!)

waiting with ice cream: tess-me-carter-sofia-courtney

seriously. sofia eating a "watermelon stick thingy."

after the race: up for finishing, down for not.

barry-me-mom-courtney-carter

pumpkin patch.

carter and courtney are up for the weekend to cheer on mom as she rides a century tomorrow. yah for being married ninety days and being together three thousand, two hundred and eighty five.


sofia and i carved together. i added her name to the back.


tess', courtney's x2, mine and sofia's.


i cut off a finger! love love love pumpkins with the five year old cousin.

feeling: sad, fear.

the current thoughts of this twenty three year old:

i'm not going to be a good counselor.
i'm going to fail this test.
i suck at listening.
i will never love.
i will never be loved.


this too shall pass.

c&c come tonight. it can only get better!

excuse my vagueness.

feeling: fear.

can you be scared about something that's all in your head? [i am.] i continue to build up these ideas in my head and i'm afraid. what if it becomes reality? what if it just lets me down? what if i ruin something that's good? will it be my fault? how do i prevent this?

i promote primary emotions: joy, sad, hurt, fear, and anger. here's to not responding "i'm good!" and all the crap in between.

fair, clear and moving.

i love going to movies by myself. it reminds me that i don't always have to go to the bathroom with the girls. more than going to movies by myself, i love love love documentaries. tonight's movie: for the bible tells me so. this isn't a michael moore film where he is clearly biased and bashing the republicans. it's fair. it's clear. it's moving.

new thought: the fear of the Other, the fear of sex, and the fear of femininity collaborate to make homophobia. i have touched on the fear of the Other in conflict resolution and reconciliation, the fear of sex is often mentioned among christian circles, but the fear of femininity became a reality for me tonight. all i had to do was think about how i've contributed to this fear and what i have never done to stop it; "hurry up- you're running like a girl!" or "quit being a pussy!" "stop crying- you're such a girl!" etc. etc. wow, we have a long journey ahead of us.

ultimately, this is a film showcasing six families' struggle to be in faith with a child/sibling who is gay/lesbian.

santa barbara friends: nov 3
seattle friends: oct 26-nov 1
portland friends: right now! and nov 2-8
all else: look here.

don't miss it. it's worth your time. if you can't afford it, email me and i'll use my loan money to pay for you (but it might only get us so far).

it's two forty nine.

and my face has been glued to this screen so that i can finish this take home test. the current question: how will the study of lifespan development impact your practice as a counselor. i am so taking a break.

i have someone who wants to buy my matt nathanson tickets. woohooo! gotta love craigslist.

it's beginning to turn fall in san francisco. that means it's the start of fireplace season. i love love love fireplace season. so do the students.

she loves sunglasses.

one man band.

because everyone needs a little sufjan in their life.

*if you can't get into "come on feel the illinoise!" try "seven swans".

my nephew: the gangster.

riley @ almost 5 months. precious.

think of me?

i'm torturing myself on purpose. for me, this is the way i grow best. "students, we are doing mid-term evaluations. and, uh.. we're doing them face-to-face rather than written and anonymous." translation: please tear me a part to my face slash show me where i can grow and become better at this thing called student life. i continue to remind myself: with the possibility of growth, will come inevitable pain.

oh the sacrifice.

i have tickets to matt nathanson and ingrid michaelson at the fillmore on november 2. matt is on my to-do list of concerts. however, this particular weekend is the only one that works to go to boston this fall. so the tickets are up for grabs and i'm off to visit nick and renee.

speaking of the to-do list... here's what's been completed lately (and what will be completed soon):

1. Visit Boston (soon to be completed on 11/1/07)
6. Study counseling/MFT (Started 8/23/07)
31. Find a new fiction book that I enjoy reading (Completed 10/8/07- The Maytrees; Thanks Anna!)
53. Read more poetry (Completed 9/19/07- Thanks KP!)
56. Make it a point to eat healthy (Started 9/23/07)
59. Go to a dive bar (Completed 9/25/07)
89. Become a vegetarian for one month (soon to be completed on 10/23/07)

the mantra.

the community that i have been spending more and more time with has a mantra. at first i thought the idea of a mantra was strange, but the more that i speak these words, the more i understand.

"to Creator, obedience
to creation, service
to each other, community

in all things, love
in all things, love

for life, prayer
with possessions, simplicity
in our world, creativity

in all things, love
in all things, love"

1 serious note and 3 not so.

i love it when 17 civilians are killed, just for kicks. that would never happen here, but we let it happen there.

this weekend has been relaxing. friday i saw an AWFUL movie: eastern promises. okay, it wasn't awful, but that scene... in the steam roomy place. it's not even a sex or rape scene that makes it awful, it's just bad. you have to see it to understand. oh, the violence. the overall movie was somewhere between good and okay; i just didn't know what i was getting my self into...

on saturday night i got to spend time with allison and her sister, leslie, and their mom, ann. when i was an RA, allison was in my section-- there was something about all that we had in common that made us so close. it's kind of weird. always good to spend time with her, she makes me happy.

sunday: storage, church, dinner party at the guys' house. so fun.