scared..

i'm not scared to be in my own house anymore! it's great news. it's fabulous.

christmas was super fun. my quick trip to san diego combined with my time at my mom's was relaxing. side note: don't get into a debate about the death penalty with your brother. [circular argument]

kristy, sarah and julie are coming. my grandparents are in town.

lost.

i have a new cell phone because mine fell out of my pocket on the bus and some very mean person is pushing reject every time i call. so, i have a new sim card... meaning i don't have anyone's numbers. please email me at emilyjeannekatz@gmail.com your number. thanx.

birthday party.

friday was trent's 24th birthday so dan, trent and i went grocery shopping and then made dinner. dan picked up dillon when he was off of work and then we ate a fabulous meal of lori's salad, spinach and ricotta chicken and stuffed mushrooms. as a surprise to trent, dan picked up a cake from this amazing bakery, tartine. it was one of the best chocolate cakes i've ever tasted (and i don't like cake that much).

what i'm listening to: paolo nutini-- his cd isn't released in the states yet, but you can get his ep on itunes.

what i'm reading: right now i only start books, and don't end up finishing them. today i will start the four loves/lewis.

what i'm watching: survivor (reality tv shows are my dirty little secret). go ozzy.

sad that the students are gone. it's lonely here. come visit!

my arm hurts.

my left arm, actually. because i am right handed. today i received a shot. that is why my arm hurts. i'm really into short. choppy. sentences. right now.

the shot i received is a vaccine that protects against viruses linked to half of all cervical cancers. my doctor said that i'm a prime candidate, so i said, what the heck! why not? and that is why my arm hurts.

when you have students do a survey of your performance, you definitely have to prepare for it. i sometimes forget to prepare. like this time. i'm okay, but sometimes certain things sting more than others. one thing i thought was funny was 2 people wrote "you have favorites." after reading that, i thought, yep. i do. you pursue me and chances are you'll be my favorite, too. i probably should be more cautious of this. there's always next semester...

i must apologize: i have probably lied to you. i am not 5'2". i am 5'2" and 3/4 an inch, which i think is license to say i am 5'3"!party!

by the way, michele mollkoy rocks.

rear view mirrors

have you ever looked at a car straight on and noticed the rear view mirror? if it's within the last 10-15 years, the rear view mirror is stuck on the front window. i am so impressed with the way it stays on, with out falling! (i'm a dork.)

learning new things in this city, meeting new people. fun!

going to the dog park and hanging out with emma (babysitting a 20 month kiddo) is the highlight of my week. i freaking love the dog park. and emma does, too. my favorite dog there is lu lu, the bernese mountain dog. also, this week i met teka, a poodle that doesn't have that wacked out hair cut.

getting ready to celebrate christmas with the parents, brothers and wives next next weekend. san diego for 36 hours.

all the students leave in three days. super sad.

let's be honest here...

...not that i ever lie on this thing, but sometimes i just use that phrase... so here we go, honesty at its best: do not say you're going to call if you aren't going to call. bottom line. i hate boys who do that.

working retail is not good for the soul. no more purchases for me until my cc is paid off.

please send me your christmas/holiday cards. it is always fun to receive the updated photo of the fam. 301 lyon.

this semester at the house is coming to a close; i really am quite sad. it will be nice to have a break, but so weird to come back to an empty house after a long day of work. i will literally lock myself in my room and wait for morning to go downstairs. it's not that i'm scared of the dark, but 4 stories and 15 bedrooms can make creepy noises.
visitors welcome!

what i'm reading: god's politics (wallis), the alchemist (coelho), fears of your life (loggins)*

what i'm listening to: if songs could be held (rosie thomas), continuum (john mayer), the freaking nordstrom christmas album that plays non-stop (various obnoxious artists)

what i'm watching: not much, since i don't have tv. but, i do manage to spend 43 minutes a week watching my downloaded episode of grey's anatomy. can't get enough of derek and meredith.

*fears of your life is brilliant. written by an artist with a developmental disability, loggins writes: "98. people are fearful of me which i wonder is they think that i'm all that terrible or i'm thinking that they think i'm not human at all because when they sit next to me than they get back up and move away from me i maybe a stranger but that doesn't make me a created monster or something like that. people aren't humans they act like ignorance dogs with their tail in back of their legs or in between their middle bodies their legs. they don't think who's feelings they hurt at all they just do it no consideration for whatever." i have so much to learn from loggins.

starting in january, i will be volunteering at martindeporres.org. gotta love dorothy day. "eating is a right, not a privilege. feeding the hungry is a matter of justice, not of charity."

bobby.

the movie. have you seen it yet? why not? go. stop reading this. go see bobby. it was worth my eight dollars and fifty cents. perhaps one of the greatest politicians to ever live. (do great and politician belong in the same sentence?)

here is a speech that bobby gave... it just reminds me of how much history repeats itself. i wonder, will there ever be someone like bobby again? perhaps it is barak?

notice how this speech could be read for today, replacing not just the violence within america, but also the war in iraq.

"This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity, my only event of today, to speak briefly to you about the mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives.

It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours.

Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet.

No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason.

Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded.

"Among free men," said Abraham Lincoln, "there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs."

Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire.

Too often we honor swagger and bluster and wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach non-violence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them.

Some look for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul.

For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is the slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter.

This is the breaking of a man's spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all.

I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we know what must be done. When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered.

We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers.

Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution.

But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again."

[free] good music.

go to freederekwebb.com and there you will enjoy the creative lyrics of derek webb. for free. you can read about why at relevantmagazine.com

if you're wondering where i'll be the day after thanksgiving... i'll tell you: celebrating black friday at nordstrom. that means i'll be working from 6:30am to 3:30pm with all the crazies who shop at those hours. oh, that's you? sorry if i offended you... but, you still are crazy.

red cups. not the kind at raging parties.

what a pleasant surprise: i made dinner for dan and dillon and right before we sat down, a knock at the door revealed kevin and micah!

i have a problem: haircutters love to chop off so much of my damn hair and charge 1/6 of my monthly income. but, it is just hair. it will grow back.

i encountered someone who just didn't want to talk much or expand on the current election results. i thought he was boring. maybe he feels threatened by my new friend, nancy?

sometimes i realize that i have friends that i need way more than they need me. sad realization, but in the end, i think it's worth it to pursue. totally selfish, i know.

i am becoming desensitized. for example, when i first came to san francisco, my heart ached when i saw the homeless man digging through the trashcan. now, being here for 3 months has made me... numb. i don't feel that ache anymore. i just... go on with my day, helping to create a consuming environment. damn me. where is the in-between? i am going to start volunteering in january.

there is this woman who i often see on market street, she carries a sign that reads "defend your rights" i want to talk to her, but she is always walking the opposite way that my bus is going. did someone take away my rights? am i on the offense? does she have a job? where does she live? does she think that she is effective? is she?

secret confession: i thought i was going to die on the bus the other day. a real death. not some over dramatic "i thought i was going to die!" line from a story. i thought there was a suicide bomber on the #21. i am alive, obviously. but i still was scared. why, i'm not sure. but i definitely am contributing my fear of dying on the bus to the media and my own horrible judgments. damn me, again.

the red cups are here at starbucks. what a brilliant marketing campaign that allows me to associate paper cups that aren't recyclable to jesus' birth.

damn you, california.

election outcome...
--prop. 83: do you know what this means in a city like san francisco? sex offenders won't have a place to live because pretty much every thing is within 2000 feet of a school/park/playground. ousting them to the edge of town (or out of town) might not stop them. and now, are they really going to register? i need to talk to a registered sex offender, i would like to hear how they feel. maybe we should just give them a big S to iron on to their shirt.
--prop. 85: i'm not even going there.
--prop. 86: i am shocked that this wasn't passed.
--prop. 87: amen! i love public transportation! higher gas prices = bummer for you.

now let's see what changes are made when the dems take over. interesting.

half yearly sale at nordstrom = hurting feet

bus riding etiquette.

don't get me wrong, i love public transportation. i only have to fill up my gas tank once a month and it only costs $45 for a monthly bus pass. love it. however, some men on the bus think that they don't need to close their legs when someone sits next to them. for example, this morning, i moved all the way to the back of the bus just like the young and people with out disabilities are supposed to. i sat next to a more mature gentleman who was sitting close to the window with one seat next to him. but really, he only had one half of a seat next to him. you'd think that when someone else sits down, the other person would close their sprawled out legs. nope. i rode the whole trip in half a seat because he thinks that his body (parts) is/are more important than me. i mean maybe they are, but what the heck. show a little respect to the girl in high heels. and of course, the high school girl talked on her phone so loud that i couldn't hear my music.

all this to say: if you ever ride the bus, only take up one seat, close your legs, and don't talk on the phone.

no good title.

today i watched my sister-in-law run a marathon. well, she is like my sister-in-law, she's been around for eight years now. anyway, she finished and i am so proud of her. i kept getting real teary-eyed watching people run past mile 16 and also at mile 26 (the two places we watched). i was overwhelmed with these people who dedicated the last 4-6 months to fight leukemia/lymphoma by raising money and running for 3-6 hours. i was overwhelmed that God designed our bodies in such a beautiful way. i was overwhelmed with the people who were running that are cancer survivors. i was overwhelmed by the grandma, holding a poster-sized picture of her grandson who had cancer but has passed away. iwasoverwhelmed.

work is getting better and better. i'm learning a lot more about the business of nordstrom, and i really appreciate that. i function better when i know the "whys" and history of a company/institution. i am also making connections with customers, which is great because it is real, not just a fake connection so they come back and i get their sale. for example, i met a woman who is a nurse and my mom is a nurse and i watch grey's anatomy, so we were able to chat while her daughter picked out the perfect bag. haha, isn't that great that i talked to her about grey's anatomy. i'm a dork. anyway, saturday was great... two marc jacobs handbags + lots of other bags = a happy boss.

i'm going to be an aunt next june. crazy! i love love love being near my family.

memorial-work-red

the memorial was hard, but being with family was good...
i didn't realize how incredible of a doctor my uncle was... damn, what a waste.

work is getting easier, so that's good.

[product] red is now available for shoes, watches, shirts, ipods, credit cards, and phones.

my questions/thoughts:
is it just a way for bono and bobby (or me and you) to "buy pills and distribute them"?
what about education?
is it sad that we have to consume more in order to help the pandemic of aids and poverty?
(good thing this isn't the only way to help)
i'm not into "handouts," i thought. but then i read this:
"give a person a fish and they will eat for a day, teach them how to fish and they will eat for a lifetime... if they have the skills to access or own the pond."
i guess i'm more about empowerment.
"instead of giving people hand outs and focusing on trying to make people's lives 'better', empowerment focuses on creating opportunities for the poor to break out of poverty and dependence, so that they can provide their own needs and the needs of their families."
is [product] red more about aids or poverty or both?

check out joinred.com

i want to know your thoughts?
[ekatz@westmont.edu]

3 times in 16 days

"emily.... i have bad news."

i have heard that too many times in the last sixteen days. three times to be exact. three times too many.

my friend's dad committed suicide. will from westmont died in a car accident. my great uncle committed suicide (friday). a long family story with lots of drama, but in the end, he couldn't go on with his life with out his wife. she is dying of cancer and doctors have given her three months to live. a real tragedy.

my brother called and said something so obvious, but it hit hard: uncle jim is real evidence that you can have everything in the world... money, a successful business, brains, etc. and you still might not get it. money and iq scores aren't everything.

i am flying down (orange county) for the memorial saturday. i think i am doing a good job of sitting in the pain at the appropriate time, though i'm still trying to figure out what that looks like. i'll let you know.

smooth like a steam roller

my friend described his relationship with this girl as "smooth like a steam roller". i chuckled. thought it was funny.

right now i am doing smooth. can you do smooth? cause i'm doing that. you know, somewhere between good and just goin along. smooth. yeah, smooth.

i got a job. come buy your prada handbag from me.

i just arrived home from a concert. live music feeds my soul. truth: sometimes i feel closer to God when i experience live music than any other thing i do. teitur (pronounced: tie-tour or tight-er or ty-trrrrr) blew me away. umm, weird phrase, "blew me away." what i should say is that he wowed me with his skills and flawless voice. support him by looking into his new work: stay under the stars or his old work: poetry & aeroplanes.

things coming up: lindsay's wedding 4pm sat. vanessa's wedding 5pm sat. pillow talk with carissa at 1am, laughing because it was just ten years earlier that our friendship began as we snuck out of her house to go tp-ing and make out with boys, then got midnight snacks like kraft singles and taquitos in those yellow silky pajamas (why did i wear those?)

sad about will from westmont. a reminder to not make plans.

looking forward to seeing chelsea, jacob, and carissa.

rejection sucks.

this isn't some sappy post about how i was rejected by some cute boy that i met at some rad coffee shop. nope. none of that. this is about being rejected from jobs. i feel like i've always been prepared for success, but never for rejection. this feeling sucks. you're not good enough. you don't have the skills we need. you suck you suck you suck you suck.

i was rejected by a nanny agency. a nanny agency. i love kids. ask sam, he loves me back. blah blah blah. whatever the case, i didn't have enough experience. janelle and anna will be laughing to find out i applied at a nanny agency.

i was rejected by the taproot foundation for not having the skills they needed. the girl was so awkward on the phone, i felt bad for her. these were the skills they wanted: organized and detail oriented. good communication skills. ability to consistently meet deadlines. professional demeanor. check, check, check and check. ask michele, she knows. i can do all of those things. that was the job i wanted. it was a program and event assistant. oh well.

it's weird how when i heard the "you aren't what we're looking for" words over the phone, they didn't get to me until later in the evening when a group of us faithful "lost" watchers, ditched three of us to watch. it's just a tv show, emily, just a tv show. i know, but damnit i'm all about loyalty and not leaving anyone behind. okay, maybe that's not always true, but that's how i was feeling as a result from my rejection.

this is a really negative post. forgive me. i keep seeing this theme of "let it go" in my life. you'd think i'd listen. from meredith grey to people in the house to my family, i keep hearing "let it go." now, only if i could listen.

good news: i have an interview at nordstroms in the handbag department. the funny part is that i hate handbags and all that those types of handbags stand for. why am i doing this? oh yes, i remember: bills to pay. i love being an adult. maybe this isn't good news.

i am applying to the usf program for sure. excited.

my mood: confused and quiet.

my friend's dad committed suicide yesterday. so many questions. i miss visalia. i talked to chelsea for a long time today; we talked about the appropriate response. she got to hang out with our friend; she says he looks tired but doesn't want to be alone. he wants to talk about it, too. i feel quite disconnected. my brother and chelsea call often, so that helps.

i am thinking more about usf's counseling program. january?

know that i probably won't be answering my phone tomorrow. it's nothing against you, i promise. hey, speaking of phones, i got a phone in my room! i feel really independent. call me 415-447-0959.

jamie is downloading project runway right now; i'm excited! down to the final three. my prediction: michael, jeffrey & uli. also on the tv show front: don't ever watch lost. you will get sucked into a creepy and unrealistic show that is pretty bizarre. you know i'm bored when i write about tv shows.

today i had coffee with rusty springer. rusty used to run the urban program and before that she did jane higa's job. if you think jane is cool, you should meet rusty. it is good to meet with someone who is not a part of the current program but knows the program. i have so much to learn from her.

got a great card in the mail: a dual birthday and thank you note. thanks, b.

i am going to see phoenix on saturday with dillon and trent. then i will see teitur on oct 2. sufjan on oct 10. dbj!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

-played kickball in the park: so fun
-still no job (!) applied at nordstrom's
-thinking about grad school: usf- master's in counseling program (mft)
-maybe i'll go in january?
-urban staff (all but me) at westmont to promote the program
-going to get kiki to come stay at the house for a little while
-was a part of someone's first time being in confrontation: went well
-the house is going to see chicago, the musical: excited!
-going to a "phoenix" concert on sat with dillon, trent, and maybe kim
-i've watched too much "lost" i think i'm getting an ulcer

jim, jobs and john

Tonight a group of us went to Berkeley to hear Jim Wallis speak for free (Jim is the author of God's Politics and also the co-editor of Sojourners magazine). It was "good" (I use good because my vocabulary is too small and I am too lazy to think of another adjective); I wish he spoke longer and knew his audience better... we were in Berkeley, and he could have gotten deeper into his thoughts- it seemed like he just brushed over topics.

I kept having this thought: "Yes, Jim, I agree! I agree!" Then my mind would quiet as I was thinking about what he was saying and these feelings came over me... guilt, embarassment... I started to feel bad about agreeing with Jim. I felt like I was doing something wrong for agreeing that peace and conflict resolution are good while war is bad. Then I started to wonder, why am I feeling these things? Where did this come from? Why did it take me so long to change my political status to independent? Have I been brainwashed? Why? Who did this to me? Was it my parents? My family? My hometown of Visalia? The Church? Who? It's like someone told me that in order to be a Christian you need to be a Republican, though you probably can be a Republican with out being a Christian. Then I started to wonder, how many people out there are "Republican" or believe a few things that Republicans believe because at some point someone told them the Republican = Christian? I am certainly guilty. It has been so engrained in me that I feel bad about peace and conflict resolution! How do I get out of this? Do you have any suggestions, because I certainly need anything I can get....? (Email me)

I am starting to ignore my September 15th rule about finding a job....I'm not ready to give up yet. I have applied to 7 different places and 2 have confirmed that they've received my resume and cover letter, so hopefully I get an interview. I'll keep you posted.

Life in the house is great... tonight we are off to a Giant's game... and this weekend we are going to a Cal football game. Love it.

September 12th marks John Mayer's new CD release and something new is coming out in the Apple world... so I am off to visit Dillon at work and check into Steve Job's new product.

back to the place i love... san francisco!

slowly i am adjusting (back) to life in the city... cold weather, using public transportation, living with students, etc. the best news: i have an amazing room, with a view of eucalyptus trees in golden gate park, a fire place, and french double doors to my bathroom. my patio has twinkle lights and plants that i get to water every day.

i am really liking not being in school for now, but i need a job. i have put my resume out at random places, but if i don't find anything by september 15, i will be knocking on the nordstrom's door. pray that i get a job soon.

side note: the reality of leaving santa barbara and probably never going back (for good) is starting to slowly creep in and attack my heart, causing me to be overwhelmed with sadness at random times.

...i went to a church on sunday. it was alright. but i shouldn't just go once before i decide not to go. a lot of the people at the church were in their late twenties/early thirties and focused on their careers (and porsches). it seems like there aren't very many people my age, unless they are panhandling on haight street.

anyway, happy labor day...

august has been crazy.

dropped the majority of my stuff off in san francisco. anna & kiah's wedding... the "event coordinator" love love loved every minute. road trip with kristy and sarah to laura's house. meeting at the urban house... a little nervous for the "newness" of it all. quick stop at mom's... good to see the fam (and gavin, he's doing great). jenn yerkey got engaged... i'm going to pasadena to visit her on wednesday. orientation events and activities pretty much start on thursday... crazy! 12 days until i depart. am i really leaving santa barbara?

what's your secret?

I recently purchased a coffee table book, which by the way, is quite funny since I don't drink coffee nor do I have a table to place this book. I do like coffee cake, however. Maybe I can make a coffee cake table.

Anyway, the book... it is called Post Secret and my friend Laura had it at her house. I immediately went down to Borders in Capitola (when Anna and I were visiting Janelle) and purchased this magnificent piece of art.

It is extraordinary confessions from ordinary lives; basically this man, Frank Warren, had an idea to pass out post cards with the hope that people would anonymously send them back to him with a secret and a dash of creativity. He was successful.

postsecret.com

i am my mother.

grrrrrr.

scene: family, sitting at the dinner table. we probably just finished the meal and the slowest eater just put down their fork and their plate is already taken from them. heck, everyone's plates are already taken from them and the food is cleared, dishes have already been rinsed and are all in the dish washer.

"mom, sit down!" she keeps going. she can't relax until everything is clean.

i used to be the one, chiming in with the brothers, telling her to sit down. the tables have turned. (i don't so much know what that phrase really means, but used literally- it's not that great)

at the end of dinners with friends, i am the one clearing away and i get this restless feeling and i need to do something. i can't relax, just like her.

i hate this about my mom and now i hate this about myself. shit.

cousins & brothers

my three brothers & papa.
they went fishing for adam's
bachelor party.










at my brother's wedding-
my two favorite cousins:
(11 months) and sofia (4).











ella loves beer. yikes.

moving.

i am off to san francisco at the end of august. see you later santa barbara.

i am going to be the ra at the san francisco urban program.

301 lyon street. hoooooray!

pp = portland pictures.

the following are lisa and me having too much fun at her and chase's apartment; us again in p-land; fallen leaf lake at sunset- brett and i stopped to visit zack on the drive back to sb; zack, me, and brett at the water falls of fallen leaf lake.

willy the giraffe.

so yesterday i had the opportunity to work for yifat oren (orenevents.com), an event coordinator from la. probably the best wedding that i have ever attended; gospel choir, willy the giraffe, malibu, amazing food. working with yifat was incredible, i learned so much... i was totally in my element, i loved every moment of the evening.

w...h...y

It has become increasingly more apparent that I am just now figuring out this thing called being a Christian. I am starting to live out the questions that I have and actually seek to find answers. Brett, Sarah, Zack and I have talked more about being a fundamental Christian than I ever have in my entire life. Brett and I were both brought up that way; he definitely isn't "into" it anymore, and well, me... I'm still just trying to figure it out. Why am I a "fundamental" Christian on a "Jesus movement"? Because that was how I was raised or because I really have taken time to think out issues in regards to Christianity. Definitely the first option. A lot of it has to do with my brother, Daniel, who I am so used to following and not questioning anything he does. I have all of these convictions, but I'm not too sure where they've come from or why I think this, that or the other thing. I just do. And to me, that is becoming an answer that is not good enough. I just do. Please, Emily, you are ridiculous. For example, I think to myself, why do I think abortion (or fill in the blank) is wrong? I just do. Nope, that doesn't cut it. I want to have answers and have thought these things out, and after that, I want to live these things out. In the case of abortion, that might look like adopting children one day, among other things. I guess I am just sick and tired of just thinking things because I always have, and not questioning anything. Anyway, the point is, I have a long journey ahead of me that seems like it could be pretty fun/hard creating.

My friend Ryan has a best friend from home who I have been around a few times over the past 2 years, his name is Casey. My encounters with Casey have somehow revolved around me asking him what he got for Christmas (he's Jewish), and laughing because he is a pretty funny, energetic guy. Well, yesterday, Casey and I got to talking about why I believe in God and in exchange I asked him why not; he thinks it is easier for me to ask why not. No one has ever asked me that. Ever. Pretty odd, huh? I've been a Christian for five years now and I've never been asked why. Not even by myself. Stupid, stupid me. The question of why (or why not) doesn't just have to be about God, it could be about anything really. Why is the sky blue? It just is, Emily, it just is. I'm so sick of settling for that damn answer. It's not good enough. Anything like that- small or big. So this is my new thing, asking why. And not like the 3 year old who is asking why he has to go to bed or the 4 year old asking where babies come from and then following the answer up with WHY. I dread that day. Well, actually, it could be fun. HA! Anyway, Casey isn't sure what he believes, but he knows that he is much more about reasoning rather than feeling. And well, according to Meyers Briggs, I'm a feeler. How do I become a reasoner? Is that an option? I know that I will learn a lot from him, he is breaking my stereotype of people in general...I love this.

have you ever had an apriocot?

Sitting on airplanes next to people can mean a few different things, or at least this has been my experience. I can be in the (A) I don't want to talk to you mood, let me do my own thing, please. (B) I can be in the friendly, a few words can be shared mood. Or (C) I can be in the let's get to know each other, I want a new friend mood, you're cool. Very rarely am I in the option C mood. Its possible that I am in that mood right now though, and I am unsure why. Is it because the adorable baby diagonal from my airplane partner can't stop staring at him? She is so cute, you know the kind of baby that has the high pony tail on top of her head so that it sticks straight up, kind of like the spout on a whale. .... Elapsed time of an hour.... he works and lives in SB, he's flying to Portland and then down to Eureka where he is getting a million dollars for his company in order to help save the fish. No joke. Fish. I love environmental people. And then he said the dreaded G word at some point in the conversation. Actually he said it TWICE. Thanks, James. That's his name. (The G word is Girlfriend). That's unfortunate. Ten minutes to landing. I can't wait to hang out with Lisa. And Chase. Portland, HERE I COME!!!

(in reference to my question above, my answer is no. lisa gave me my first one. mmmmmmm.)

weekend in s.f.

This past Thursday I flew home. I love Southwest; I got on a flight 2 hours early and paid nothing. Brilliant.

The first event of the weekend was a family BBQ; so fun to swim, eat, and laugh with family. Everybody had questions about Gavin; he was choosing to go to the wedding- I was so grateful for that; he loves to be around his (step) family. After the BBQ, I drove into the city to see Matt Warren and Dillon Moffatt, and with the duo I found Andrew McGregor, Chris Osborne, and Dan Quon. Dillon, Matt, and I went out to dinner and we quickly went through the small talk straight into good conversation. I was blessed by Matt and Dillon's thoughts and opinions, especially as they unknowingly gave advice to me as a recent alum and for my interview that was the next day. Over dinner we discussed our own experiences on the Urban program. Also, Matt brought up facebook and how it is cool to be a Westmont student and to be "liberal" or "moderate." He thinks that Westmont breeds a type of socialism but then once you leave, you are forced to live out your opinions and beliefs on your own, leaving you with out a community to guide you and no one to impress. So really, his question came down to this: "If I really believe in these things (something as small as recycling), then how do I become the type of person who recycles or ____ (fill in the blank) in 30 years? How do we become people of service and not let that die out after 1 year of leaving Westmont? All of this, of course, made me think to the things that I so strongly believe in (or at least the things I talked about in my 4 years at Westmont) and the bummer part is that I have been out for 7 months and well, I haven't done anything proactive regarding the things that I "care" about. Interesting. Time for change. I need to be in a place that forces me to think, be proactive, and really live out what I believe. Because, after all, what I say I believe isn't what I believe, what I do is what I believe.

I interviewed on Friday morning; two hours late, I felt pretty successful. There weren't any questions that I stumbled across and didn't know the answer to; I was satisfied and felt like the real "me" came across to them clearly. It was a wonderful feeling to hear Brad, a Professor on the program, say at the end of the interview that he is so impressed with how far I've come and where I'm going, and that he could be a part of my story. And that's just it.... Urban is a huge part of my Westmont story. Urban led to 061 which led to being an RA, and of course meeting a ton of effective people along the way. I am so grateful for that semester. In the end, if I don't get the job, I am so glad I remember the way that program changed, molded and helped me discover more about myself.

The wedding. Maybe not the fanciest wedding, definitely a low-budget, but man, did I have a good time. No friends to catch up with and update about my life, just me and my family. So good to see cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, brothers' wives/girlfriends, parents, grandparents, step-siblings (especially!), etc. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the wedding and was fully present with my surroundings. The food was amazing, the music was great, the dancing was phenomenal... a totally memorable event. Also, I caught the bouquet. Hoooo freaking ray. Actually I think my new sister threw it to me on purpose. I enjoyed receiving it. The thought totally crossed my mind: maybe I won't be single forever. Okay, that's honesty/vulnerability at its best coming from the girl who preaches from the land of being single where not everyone gets married.

Pictures to come at a later date.

am i an internet whore?

okay so there happens to be this guy that works at the same place that i do and i happen to think he's pretty (damn) cute. we flirt, but he totally initiates it. so then i went all out and emailed him and now we are having a conversation through email. yikes. lori says, "let's think about this...it is like being in a chat room right now or instant messaging. gross, you're an internet whore"

sean said something so funny...

"did you fall asleep during the movie, katz?"
"yeah, i don't know why i'm so tired...i'm such a dork, i have to go to bed (10:05pm)"
"you're not a dork- i'm tired too"
"why are you tired?"
"you don't understand, katz, i'm old. (he's 20) twenty is like the new forty"
haha. i guess you had to be there. cause then i found a twenty dollar bill on the ground.


no news on the family. waiting for a call from someone.

i go home this weekend. it will be good to sit with my mom.

i want to bring kiki back. just look at her. damn cute.

What is a Psychotic Break?

There are several states of mind..."normal", meaning consistent over time and situations; "disorganized", meaning a little scattered, unfocused, fragmented; "disturbed", meaning a state of mind leading to behavior that is socially unacceptable and potentially harmful to self and others; "disordered", meaning a display of clinically definable and diagnosable symptoms that are clustered under one primary heading (Depression, Borderline, Kleptomania, etc.); and "dissociated", meaning a collapse of the "ego integrity", a state of mind where the person is unsure of who they are, where they are, what they are doing and how they should be behaving - a pervasive and overall loss of "identity" and "sense-of-self".

The last, "dissociation" is generally considered a "psychotic break". In other words, a person is so overwhelmed by either internal or external turmoil that what we generally think of their "ego" just plain collapses.

Apparently psychotic breaks are common in young men 20-23 within high achieving families. He fits the profile. He isn't responding to the medication and he is throwing his food across the room.

This isn't him. He is incredible; straight-A's at Cal Poly, Electrical Engineering major, never done drugs, doesn't drink, has his black belt, runs marathons, cares about the environment, etc. etc. Will he ever be the same?

He is hearing voices.

I don't know how to feel. Pray for my family. Especially my step-dad who can't sleep or stop crying. Also that the judge (tomorrow) shows mercy and we can move him to Northern CA and that we get the letter from the doctor in Northern CA saying they can handle him. Pray for a diagnosis. Pray. . . .

some "universal" rules on borrowing.

okay, so they aren't universal, but they damn well should be!

1. if you borrow someone's car, fill it up with more than what you found it with. don't leave money for them to go get gas, you are just being an inconvenience.
2. if you borrow something from someone, always return it with the exact same product, don't get something different (like cardboard instead of plastic-ouch!)
3. if you borrow someone's clothes, wash them before you return them. and make sure that you know how they would wash it- they might not use a dryer!
4. if you borrow someone's hair brush, remove your hair from the brush after you use it!

some might call me ocd/neurotic. i just like to think of myself as considerate?

my best friend.

my friend brett and i had an intense talk which led me to realize how incredible my best friend really is. sometimes when we are living in sin, things become so comfortable, and this can blind us. this might be bold, but i think it is a sin to live in community and not call each other out in our shit. just the other night brett called me out in my controlling behavior. the knot in my stomach rose to my throat, and once again it felt like a lump the size of a clementine. hearing the truth hurt so bad, but there was so much freedom in facing this truth and asking for help. redemption. grace.

what does any of this have to do with my best friend, carissa? you see, carissa isn't a "christian" according to the church's standards; she does lots of things that i would consider "tangible" sin. she might fill out the christian bubble under the religion section on the sats or go to church on easter, but according to what the bible refers to as the world, well, that's carissa. but here's the kicker (what's a kicker, and why do i say/type that?) carissa is the one who says to me, "emily quit judging her. quit being jealous. quit being selfish." she calls me out. she wants to see me grow. she wants to make me a better person. she loves me, with out conditions. how is it that the one who would be considered the orphan, the prostitute, the homeless (carissa) really has it so right where as me, well, i just have it wrong. doesn't this seem so odd? the self-proclaimed christian, me, doesn't know how to love and she does. wow, i really have a lot to learn from her. thank you God, for carissa.

fast weekend.

so. i graduated this weekend. from college. wow. during the actual ceremony i kept asking myself, "is anyone going to clap for me?" i had this fear that as spencer announced my name no one would clap or say anything. i don't know why i do this to myself. it happens often. randomly i get the thought, if i died right now, would people attend my funeral? where does this weird fear come from? it is probably not healthy.

since thursday, at senior celebration, leaving westmont became a reality. though, i never felt like a senior this whole year; being in florence and then not being a student and now being staff kind of swallowed ever letting me be a senior. someone i work with said, "i didn't realize you were a senior- congratulations on graduating"

anyway, anna, janelle and i are all moved in- it's a lot of fun. janelle and anna love doing dishes and i think that is fantastic. they also are planning meals for the week. mom's in progress or what.

i think i want a dog. but now is not the right time.

what is going to happen in september? help.

best & worst... ?

i can't figure out what the best day of my life has been. i also can't figure out what the worst day of my life has been. maybe they haven't happened yet? but, it seems like they should have happened. i mean, i have to have had one of each because i have lived 21 years of life. is the best day supposed to be the day that i get married..if i get married? or if i ever have kids? what if none of those things ever happen, will i have not had a best day of my life? i have a lot of good days, and great days, and unforgettable days.... but i'm not sure that i can name one particular day as the best... or worst. was the worst when i confessed my love for a boy and got rejected? or when my mom was so disappointed in me that i had terrible cramps and a lump in my throat for more than 36 hours? actually, that never happened, so it can't be a non existent day. was the worst day a day that i was depressed? will the worst day be when someone dies?

do i have to have a best and worst day?

jason, the cat, is out of control. fyi.

carissa and i are exercising together in place of the driving that i used to do. for some reason, perhaps my nutrition class, i am starting to care about what i put in my body. it's probably a good change: i feel better and i'm not as tired all the time.

i took the cbest on saturday- piece of cake. well, hopefully. sometimes when i feel like i know the answers, the scores mysteriously read something different. odd how that happens.

on saturday night it hit me how grateful i was for making the choice to come to westmont. i put in a little letter with my graduation announcement that was a snapshot of the past four years (urban, ra, florence). one of my friends said to me, "i want to put in a letter like yours, but i didn't do anything in college besides my major." i know that isn't everyone's experience, but i'm not sure that if i went to another school that i would have gone off campus twice or been an ra, plus everything in between.

opportunities for september:
san francisco
santa barbara
san diego
costa mesa

grad school? event coordinating? personal assistant? urban house? yss?

layne wilson's birthday is on the 29th. party!

the family comes up in two weeks for graduation. i am real excited.

good song: "flying high" by jem

good quotes:
"vengeance is a lazy form of grief."
"words and compassion are the only way, even if it’s slower than a gun."
–nicole kidman in the interpreter

visalia etc.

it was practically a high school reunion; i saw people i hadn't seen in 4 years. real weird.

daniel and autumn are so adorable. late sunday night they were playing the piano together and singing scales...they have written about 20 songs together in the past 2 months....lovely!

they asked me if money wasn't a factor and i could do whatever i wanted, what would i do? then they asked what life would look like if everyone followed their hearts? i would start a magazine. and i'm not quite sure what life would look like.

two long awaited moments collided in my life on saturday night- something i wanted 6 years ago and something i haven't done in 5. fun.

i live in santa barbara now, yah! i am shane and anna's test for a week and a half. they have two cats, jason and karen. who names their cats people names? anyway, jason woke me up this morning because he wanted attention. damn you.

highlights.

-i can eat an apple in 2 bites. (small apple, big bites)
-the colour concert on thursday night.
-the tax job ends on thursday. (hell yeah)
-i'm going to visalia for easter weekend.
-i'm going to see an old friend, erin, while in visalia.
-erin has a baby named aiden... he's 1 month old.
-i move in with anna chase the last weekend of april. (so happy)
-i bought an orchid plant, its name is dragon.
-i watched broke back mountain. crash is better. by far.
-i missed my mom's call from israel cause i had npr turned up too loud.
-i'm turning in my grad school application at the end of the month. woohoo!
-i miss marcy, kara, and steph. (roommates in florence)
-the song "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin is worth your time.

mission: failed.

i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. i didn't know how to ask him his name. for now, i'm just going to call him the chai guy.

the graduation invites are hitting the homes of the invited. they are calling me to tell me how proud they are. is this really a big deal? i guess. it doesn't feel like it, at all.

i am taking the cbest on april 22. assuming i pass, i can substitute teach but the better news is that i can finish my application for apu- a master's in education for high school counseling. it feels right. i only want to work with college students when i'm working for michele, other than that, hanging out with the high school drama sounds fun. jokes.

three of the girls from my section last year are all studying in florence next fall. i am going to start saving so i can visit them. anyone want to come?

three more weeks of tax hell. wooo hoooo! i think this summer's work will be at westmont, filling in at the spa, babysitting, and helping out at a sweet event coordinating place. it will be weird to not have homework. does tv replace homework when you are done with college? i hope not.

so far 2 weddings this summer. i am quite excited.

well, i'm hungry. see ya.

the 22nd of march is:

WORLD WATER DAY!
www.worldwaterday.org
let's celebrate!

everyone order a chai tea latte with NO h2o
it tastes so much better

okay, there are other ways to preserve & protect.

2 kidneys & a boyfriend!

i got a boyfriend. okay, i didn't. but i have a friend crush on a cute guy who works at a certain popular coffee place at a shopping center near you. this week's mission: learn his name.

this woman, dr. robin smith, well, she's great. she just said to me: 1. shame never creates change 2. doubt = don't 3. insecure = i don't feel good enough 4. silence is as bad, if not worse, than the pain or abuse 5. it isn't necessarily always safe to tell the truth.
i'm not quite sure why i like her so much? she also has this sweet analogy about the holes that we have in our hearts and having the choice to fill them with things like death and trash (drugs, lies, shopping, money) or life (plants and flowers = truths).

um, i almost decided to give away one of my kidneys on wednesday. apparently, we have two. then, my mother informed me of the health risks. man, npr is so cool, it made me want to give away one of my kidneys.

usa today had an article on being an egg donor; they want young women with no health problems and high sat scores. i'm pretty average in both of those categories. then my mother informed me of the surgery procedure. it wasn't too bad until she said "do you really want little emilys running around this world already?" yeah, that changed my mind.



everyone! everyone! listen to a sweet group from champaign, il, named 'headlights headlights' their new ep is titled 'the enemies' but headlights' sound is not as intense as the title. a gentle feel. genre: electronic/rock

true confessions of a freak. me.

i have a bit of a problem. and let me tell you, it's not a small problem. it's kind of a pricey problem. expensive. time consuming. and it includes being a brat sometimes. and being mad at people under my breath. but i love it and i'm not sure why. i want you to love it too, even though you might not love it, you might just appreciate it. my friend says that i appreciate pride and prejudice, but i don't like it. she is so right. so if you appreciate it but don't love it, or even like it, that's okay too. (i guess)

i'm talking about my love for music. i'm talking about my obsession with smooth sounds that don't hurt my ears, but almost feel as good as a q-tip, even though i've heard that q-tips shouldn't go in ears. they go in mine, oops. my friend calls them eargasms. is that a bit much? not if you know the feeling. i love q-tips! so i'm going to explore music in my blog. i don't even think very many people read this, but if you do, brace yourself. i've got some opinions that are pretty intense, and i'd say there is going to be a bit of vulnerability in this thing. i'm a dork!

i'm not sure where my love for music came? i sang for 6 years in junior high and high school. no instruments besides the trombone in sixth grade. my brother plays guitar and my sister in law is a concert pianist...both instruments i would like to play one day. in high school, i just listened to the radio and to my favorite worship band, 100 portraits & water deep. i burned my friend's cds and the most embarrassing part is this: the music i chose to burn from people's collections was based on whether or not if you (or someone else) went through my collection, would you think i was cool. i think you can tell a lot about someone from their music collection, so i decided that i would add frank sinatra and u2 to my own collection. you know, cause that would say that i have variety, taste, old school vibes, you know, all of the above. then one day, i was done. done. done. done. (that's like how my friend jesse described jesus as dead, dead, dead! okay, he's 4.) so i threw all of my cds away that i didn't buy. well, almost all of them. i definitely did it in stages. to this day, there are still 2 cds in my music collection that i haven't paid for: jump little children and rocky votalato's 'suicide medicine'. however, i did just purchase rocky's january release, 'makers', and it is brilliant. simply brilliant. not quite sure what's holding me back from the purchases?

sometimes i do silly things; this one author named don miller wrote in his book about a band and a singer- wilco and derek webb. i immediately went out and bought their cds. derek webb, excellent choice. wilco, ehh. it didn't catch my attention, though they are excellent musicians. so here i am, just having spent at least 20 dollars on 2 cds that i don't listen to all that much, one i enjoy, and the other i just appreciate. i used to do that with guys that i liked. you know, i liked the music that they liked, that sort of thing. then, i got a grip on reality and decided that was really, really lame. i'm not going to give an example of that music cause what if i liked you at one point and i went out and bought some music that you liked and you heard it in my car or something, now you know i liked you. though, i don't think i've ever liked any of you who read this? the point is, i am silly.

i wasn't too sure about itunes. i was way into it for singles or songs that would go on my "i'm embarrassed to own this and have paid money for it" list (but i do need to talk about that list later) and i think i have very good reasons for not wanting to itunes whole cds...the beautiful art work and expression from the musician. i felt like my ears were being fed, but not my sensation of touch or sight. but my american sense of demand found a cure- instant gratification of having what i want when i wanted it. so i started itunes-ing whole cds. but that has put me into a pickle. sometimes my ipod runs out of batteries. and that leaves me with out that music. "burn the cd" you say? ugh, i would if people didn't look through my cd case, having heard my opinions on burning music, and automatically thought, "hypocrite!" i don't like burned cds, its almost like i am allergic to them. the sharpie pen in my hand just doesn't make good enough writing for me, it really says "you don't appreciate music, you stealer!" even though, i might not have stolen that cd, i just bought it on itunes. i'm so weird slash i care way too much about what you think about me.

let's get to that list, you know, the "i'm embarrassed to own this and have paid money for it" list. what's on my list: gavin degraw (really liked the guy until i paid money to see him in concert and he was more about the act than the music and he was all about the bras that were being thrown to him on stage), kelly clarkson (i bought that song after watching 'love actually,' you know, the song is 'the trouble with love is') and maroon5 (no good explanation). but this is the thing about the list: i shouldn't be embarrassed. all of my music that i have bought is for a certain time in my life. a certain feeling that i'm having. ie: the last week in florence and seeing the last scene in love actually where the people are meeting their friends and family at the airport, yeah i just wanted that, so the song was the closest thing i was going to get. the point is, if you have that list, like i do, i don't think it's good. we shouldn't be ashamed that we enjoy the smooth grooves of christina aguilera or justin timberlake (fantastic dance music, right chelsea?)... we shouldn't think we are lame cause we are some how going with the majority of teenagers who have no established opinions of their own. woah, a total generalization. oops.

things i don't like about music listeners, but i can't control:
1. when you think you're cool because you are listening to "indy" music. you might be cool, but not if you are trying to be cool. what are your intentions?
2. when you go looking for music, find really good stuff, and the second the person or group becomes popular, you aren't in to them anymore. like, they are cool and known now so you can't like them. i just don't understand.
3. when someone gets super popular, like mega popular, and you don't like them for that. i guess this is sort of like #2 but that refers to groups that get known by your friends and #3 refers to people like john mayer or jason mraz or jack johnson. woah, three j's. don't discount them because they are mainstream and 'popular' and because you have spent so much time investing and really appreciating the music and the shmuck next to you at the concert just learned the words to the songs yesterday cause he heard this guy on the radio and took his girlfriend of three weeks to the concert.

things i love about music listeners, that i can't control, but i think you're brilliant:
1. when you share your new find and want to tell people because this group or person deserves to be heard by more than just yourself.
2. when you buy music. and support them by going to shows.
3. when you appreciate because you can identify. you might not be into discovering and learning about new artists, but you love your friends who do that for you and you love hearing what they have to say.
4. when music isn't on your top 15 priorities list in life, but you still appreciate.
5. if you watch american idol, and you aren't ashamed, like me. (there's that vulnerability!)

stay tuned for more weird writing on music. oh geese, i hope you don't stop reading this thing because of the words/ideas/thoughts/vulnerability shared in this post or even just because of reading #5. eeek.

compromise?

I went to Visalia on Saturday night to visit Daniel and Autumn. Always a good and challenging time; thought a lot about compromise. Autumn consciously makes the decision to not watch this or that or listen to certain music because she sees it as a compromise... I think of the compromise as what you do with the information you just took in (watching this or listening to that) and what happens after the fact. Autumn's argument against me was that sometimes doing what I would do can create a calloused heart where I am so used to something that I'm not even convicted anymore. Am I making sense? Is there a middle ground? Is it black and white?

help me grow.

step it up. quit shooting the shit. if you don't already, i'm begging you to tell me the ways i hurt you. i need to know. i can't continue to live this way. [prideful]

jane higa says that with the possibility of growth will come inevitable pain. she is so right. i am asking you to hurt me so i can grow. please?

t.h.o.u.g.h.t.s

"the mighty one, the lord
calls to all the earth
for a heart that would bow down
for a head that he could lift
with eyes of mercy
a burning passion
he will not keep silent
til we feel the fire again"

what if my heart isn't bowing down?

---

i used to have a voice mail message where i was laughing, but the only funny thing about it was that i fake laughed just so i could have a laugh on my voice mail cause i thought that was cool or something. or something.

--

i've given up on a house search. it will work out?

work at the accounting office is going well. the boys i work with are just that, boys.

--

"stay free
stay the same
play it straight and own your name,
plain jane"

j.m.

--


too many things on the "future" list and i keep wanting to add more...

ministry school
london with m & m
grad school- spu? fpu? apu?
santa barbara
start the magazine
apply for the peace corps
pay off my loans

--

i need my memory back.

you sit there with your tongue sticking out at me. you scream "i win- i win and you lose" and i think to myself- you are so right. you have won. you've done things to make me sad and i've lost another friend. but it's mostly my fault; i didn't bring things into the light. i wasn't nice. i pretended like you weren't lonely. you were. i didn't encourage you. i didn't pray for you. only me. i'm so selfish. but really, i never wanted you as my friend, until you didn't return my calls and you were too busy for me. but you bothered me. why? i'm not so sure. but what i am sure of is how i am jealous of you. but when i am jealous, it is because i forget about what i have and who i am. . . i am the beloved. . . i am His favorite. but you still win, because in the end, i have forgotten.


psalm 69.

interested.

something tells me it's not okay to be interested in this or that. but i am interested. whatever is telling me it's not okay is taking over and making me act this way.

who's with me?

tristan. ben. this friday the 3rd. the roxy.
buchanan on february 14th. happy freaking valentine's day. the troubadour.

realization!

when i admire someone or am in the presence of someone who i have a deep longing to learn from, i shut up. i can't talk. and it's not that i just want to listen because they have so much to say, it is more of me not knowing how to make conversation. i am not exactly "comfortable." this happens a lot to me. i'm not sure if i am intimidated or just nervous because i am going to say the wrong thing and they will think i am stupid, or clearly not as wise as they are. [ahh, fear of man.] i was just faced with this realization as i am writing a friend an email, explaining the somewhat awkward silence that sometimes occurs in our interactions. and then i thought, "wow, this happens a lot with me. a pattern. interesting."

so when i am with you and i lack words, it is because you are admired. maybe.

i keep trying to post, but.

.but i kept writing and deleting. writing and deleting. so then i heard this song. and i liked it.

that I would be good:

that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

-a.m.

and here is my addition:

that i would be loved even if i wasn't a "success"

bad.

feeling really bad. not settled. no bed to sleep in. jumping around to friend's. never knowing what to do next. not having a home. need another job. what am i doing here?

crap cubed.

i'm having a hard time right now. i come to westmont to hang out but i get bored. i have to remember that all these people are still in school. they still have homework to do and classes to go to. i kind of feel needy when i get here. i've never thought of myself as needy. today i am needy. crap.

i made a mistake. i went and applied for a hostess position at bj's and she said i could have the job but i needed to call on thursday between 7am and 5pm. at 230pm on thursday i thought i should call and then i proceeded to forget. i never forget things like that. i even wrote it down. crap.

i've been pretty apathetic lately. not just as a christian, but in life as a whole. i think it's cause i don't have a schedule or a planned out day, packed with things to do. when i just hang out with myself all day, with nothing to do for anyone else, i do nothing productive. crap.

do you think i sound like drew barrymore?

job, birthday, and a home.

i got a job. i'm not sure how i feel about it, but we'll see. i start a week from today for training. i am basically helping out at a tax firm and getting paid pretty well. there is a bit of a catch... the job is in santa barbara and my home is in camarillo and i can't go on potter's clay. super big bummer. but the job is only part time so i can actually get another job and save up money and pay my bills. yuck. bills.

today i almost drove to fresno for my friend jacob's birthday party. i thought i would surprise him but then i remembered that i hate surprises so i called him to ask him what he thought. he thought no. rejected. okay, not really rejected, more just saved from eight hours of driving. oh well. right? but i wanted to be there to hang out. my job doesn't start until next week and i am getting quite bored. quit being a stupid girl, emily.

i still need a place to live. i'm not sure if driving all the way to sb from camarillo is the most brilliant idea. it looks like i will be in sb for the summer, i definitely have a job, i just don't have a place to live. that seems like a common denominator in emily's world of problems. i need a remedy...

sick. love. lovesick.

sick. i'm not, but a few people in my family are. it's not just the commmon cold either, this is serious sick. i've never been close to people who are really sick besides my grandma when i was about ten. i wasn't old enough to understand death and i wasn't close to her, so i wasn't incredibly sad when she passed. i don't think these sick people are close to dying, but... really they are. we are all dying. once we came out of the womb, our journey toward death began. this (clearly) is no original idea. but it's hard to think about. one of the sick people declared that he was scared. my heart dropped. he's scared. he can't be scared. but he is.

love. i keep learning more and more about love, and right now i keep thinking about how i love these people. and how i haven't ever known life with out these people. ever.

he is scared. now i am scared.

the wedding was good. i was an emotional wreck. ugh, i hate when people say emotional when they really just mean crying, and i just did that. oh well. i was crying a lot. that's what i'm trying to say... two people who are so committed to jesus were joined together on the 8th of january and i got to be apart of it. it was a true picture of what God intended the Church to be; pure, white, spotless, before the bridegroom. daniel and autumn are something different. watch what will be done through them.

i want to learn what it means to be lovesick.

i have never posted so much in one day.

ryan, one of the guys in the wedding, is brilliant- let me tell you why: he knows how to communicate with me. or maybe he's just sympathetic and wants to listen. or maybe i shared my heart out of frustration. whatever it is, i realized tonight how much i appreciate him. he knows the gentle way to speak into my heart and allow me to hear what it is that i need to hear, whether i need confrontation or just advice.

we talked about forgiveness in a way that hasn't been so clear in my life before tonight. so what did ryan say? it was so simple: forgiveness isn't talking about it afterward. forgiveness isn't saying "but..." forgiveness isn't being hurt. forgiveness isn't expecting. forgiveness isn't being owed something. forgiveness isn't easy.

ok, i have heard all of that stuff before but i haven't understood it. i take that back, i still don't understand it. if i did, i would be forgiving left and right. whatever the step between hearing and understanding, that's where i am.


thanks ryan.
thanks God for speaking through ryan.
thanks.

rehearsal etc.

the rehearsal went well. i sucked it up. this life is not about me. God is going to bring so much glory to His name through this marriage. here are some pictures.

bridesmaids: emily, heather, and robyn.
my grandparents.
thinking about tomorrow.
autumn's nephew.
dan's best friends/groomsmen.
the cutest 3 year old cousin i know.
bridesmaids.
in love.

it is 4:17 am

i have been up since 3:05. more than an hour. can't sleep. how come we can divorce spouses but we can't divorce our families? ok, i don't really want that. i love my family- i just don't like some of them right now.

daniel and i got to fighting yesterday and then i droped him off. after two.5 hours of driving to the airport to get adam and then picking up daniel's friend... i finally got back. and mark (autumn's brother...autumn is daniel's fiancé) said hi to me and he said it like the nice 17 year old boy that i have to walk down the aisle with would, hoping i would acknowledge his presence cause we are new friends, but here i am with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with all of my family, tired and just want to take a shower, give him the cold shoulder hi, the i don't really know you that well and you are seeing me when i'm at my worst and i'm in no mood to be nice but i can't be mean, you didn't do anything to me, i have to walk down the aisle with you in 34 hours. hi. mark. then daniel hugs me and apologizes to me and now things are better? after my three.5 years of studying communication at westmont, i know that's not how things work. we have to talk about this and build golden bridges and go to the balcony (thanks dr. dunn). oh but wait, you say he's getting married? when is that? oh on sunday. you mean, this sunday? yes, this sunday, in 34 hours. oh 34 hours? yes. well that puts a damper on things. what's a damper? i don't know, i've just heard it before. great, what are you going to do?

Head. Shut Up. You are the reason I can't sleep right now. You are keeping me awake. You are asking these questions that you already know the answers to. I can't do anything. I should put on a pretty smile today at the rehearsal (in five.5 hours). My family will be there and her family will be there. This is Daniel's big day and I do not need to ruin it by being sour.

But Voice, when are you going to talk about things with Daniel?

ugh. i don't know. this is the next series of events for daniel: rehearsal, wedding ceremony, reception, honeymoon, move to visalia. time to have this conversation? no, not really. looks like i have to bring it up with him when he gets back on the 17th. or sometime after that when i am in visalia (no trip planned anytime soon). oh but he will be married now. that means it's practically her conversation too. am i ready for that? everything is theirs and not his anymore. am i ready to lose my brother in this way? to gain autumn in this way? i don't think i will ever be ready, it just happens. just like when adam will get married to jenn in june. and carter will get married to courtney sometime soon. but courtney's been around for 6 years, i've already lost him and gained her. the answer is time? time. but maybe i shouldn't think of my brothers and their wives as losses and gains...that reminds me of debits and credits from accounting class. i can't believe i got b+ in accounting. someone once told me that you are never ready for marriage and you are never ready for babies, they both just happen. if we waited until we were ready for things like babies, we would be 52 or something.

oh. well. get over yourself emily. really, just get over it. die to your pride. die to your pride. die to your pride.

my eyes are heavy. i need to sleep. i want. to sleep.

bonnie raitt and a stupidspacebar

To be honest, I have no idea if anyone is readingthis. I just downloaded Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" and I think I will spend that $20 Barnes & Noble card onher greatest hits cd. Jonny Rea tells me buying Greatest Hits albums is lame, I agree with him, but I can't afford all of her cds. Myspace bar sucks, by the way. I took itinto the applestore toget it fixed and it actuallyturned out worse. Brilliant.

"Processing" mysemester in Florence isn't going to be some sit down-thinkabout it-journal 30 pages type thing. Stop laughing at me because I thought this. I already feel dumb for thinking this. It will just happen, let it go Emily. Let's write about December22: probablymy worst day of 2005. I survived my first anxiety attack, heard some awful news, and crashed my mom's car. Yes, all in one day. My mom has been suffering from horrible back pain and Kaiser called saying the spine clinic could get her in, so I drove her. Sitting in the doctor's office and hearing what he had to say caused my anxiety attack...I was dizzy, sweating profusely, extremely thirsty and it was beginning to be hard to breath. What the doctor said: my mom has a cyst on her spine along with 2 crushed discs. On our way home, it was raining and I managed to rear end the BMW in front of me, damaging only my mom's car. Yeah, it was a fantastic day. But it ended well, as I traveled to Modesto to visit Chase and Lisa Armour. A long awaited visit was well worth it. Hey I think I fixed my space bar!!!

Music worth listening to:
1. Ben Taylor's new CD "Another Run Around the Sun"
2. Nick Drake's CD "Pink Moon"

The most commonly asked question: What do you miss most about Florence?
My common, overly stated, time to come up with a new answer, answer (but it's true!): The history. No, I didn't study the history while I was there but being able to walk around a city that has been around for hundreds of years was a privilege. And, I miss the extremely fresh food. Don't you wonder why the bread lasts more than a week here? That's not normal. Preservatives.

I rewatched the Interpreter on Christmas. (Who does that?) Because I wasn't in the movie theater, I had a chance to pause, grab a pen and write down some key lines that I think should be repeated and repeated through out history: "Vengeance is a lazy form of grief." and "Words and compassion are the only way, even if it’s slower than a gun." Thanks Nicole Kidman for those wise words of truth.

Cole Ambler got married on New Year's Eve, which brought me out to Colorado. It wasn't cold in Colorado. Weird. I wanted it to be cold. The wedding was fun. Wow, what an adjective. Umm, good food, good friends, and a reunion of the Urban House from 2 years ago. I'm glad I went.

TV worth watching:
1. The food network
2. Game show Network

Second most commonly asked question: What are you going to do next?
My answer: Leave me alone. Okay, I don't really say that. But that's what comes to my mind. In my family (like most others, I'm sure) after college, you go find a career or go back for some more school. "What if I don't want that (right now)?" I ask... then my mom reminds me of my choice in colleges 4 years ago and also of my 50,000 dollars in loans that I have managed to accrue. Is that the right word? Ahhh, young grasshopper, yes, a career would help get rid of those loans or more education will stop you from paying those loans and increase the amount. Oh which do I choose? My favorite part was getting an article from my mom, "How to slash your debt from $50,000 to zero." Lalalallala. I can't hear you! Let's pretend I don't have loans. Now which do I choose? Moment of truth: Neither. Moment of Truth: Jesus. I have this brother, who some would call crazy, but I like to think of him as radical and awesome. My brother is getting married on Sunday, 4 days and a wake up away, and he works at the Olive Garden and his soon to be wife will teach piano and voice. They are moving to Visalia from San Diego. All worldly odds are against them. They want to have babies (not just 3 or 4). They have no money. They have no insurance. They have no education. What do they have? Faith. Not just any faith, but faith in a God that has provided every need for them. They weren't made for education. They are worshippers with faith that hasn't failed them. Daniel's heart is Revival. I believe him, let's watch his visions unfold before the world. He is so different- he is the follower of Jesus that I want to be like. More to come on my crazy brother... And about my loans, I'm going to worry more about my faith.

After Daniel's wedding I will head to Camarillo to live with my dad for a bit. I will travel to Santa Barbara often and graduate on May 6. Mark your calendars, May 6. In the mean time, I will take a Nutrition course online and TA for 061 at Westmont. I'll find some job and save my money spending some along the way on music. I'll probably finish the third season of the West Wing, start the fourth and realize that I am one of the people on my brother's heart for revival. One day at a time, huh?